i was MADE for this

I’m not usually a self-centered person.  I generally consider others’ needs over my own.  I will give and give and give until I have nothing left to give.  I’m not usually an ego person either.  I am willing to do whatever crazy, mundane tasks need to be done to get a group of people from one place to another.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve noticed a subtle transformation of my personality.  I find myself looking out for myself more than others.  I find my ego wreaking havoc on my emotions.  Yesterday I hit bottom.

I had a tough day yesterday.  My ego was bruised and aching.  My self was exalting itself over everyone.  I was emotionally drained to the point of tears.  I was at my wits end.  I don’t even think I spoke to anyone when I got home.  I limped through a few hours and passed out.

This morning as I was driving to work, I realized just how askew my life was.  My problems were not the result of other people, but the result of my wrong perspective.  I was focusing too much on what I wanted, on protecting my ego, and not enough on the people around me.  I am MESSED UP.  I know this.  If you have a 30 second conversation with me, you’ll know it too.  Other people are messed up too.  Noone’s perfect.  We all have issues.  

I went into work with a new attitude. Because  I am the queen of the messed up, soI have to accept every person where they are with no expectation that they are going to change.  I have to be willing to do whatever it takes, with no credit, to make sure that our office moves forward.

Basically, I have to, once again, kill my ego, put others first, put on my big girl pants and be who God created me to be.

I’m a heart person who is driven by emotions.  I don’t know how not to be.  I’ve read books.  I’ve been lectured.  I’ve tried to be rational.

You see, the thing is that, while I am a task oriented achiever, I am also a wordsmith.  There are times that I think in verse.  I wake up at extraordinary times with words running through my head that need to be put on paper.  Like this morning for example.

Wordsmiths are emotional by design.  Let me give you an example.

The man and woman like each other.

The man and woman have a magnetic attraction to one another that is embarassing and at times uncomfortable to witness.

Which sentence evokes something in you that makes you want to keep reading?  The essence of my craft–my night job, if you will–is deeply emotional.  The greatest writers of all time were off balance, to say the least.  I can’t imagine William Shakespeare walking around, feeling nothing, being a rational partaker of the elements.  His comedies had a dark side; his histories romance; his tragedies beautiful and painful to read.

My passion is writing.  Writing keeps me sane by allowing me to unleash controlled insanity.  Emotions are necessary to the writer.  Noone wants to read a passionless book.  Unless it’s a technical manual or a textbook on human anatomy.

Sometimes I really wonder how people can question the existence of God.  Some would say that I believe in a fairytale.  Others that I am brainwashed.  To those people, I say pshaw.  Yeah…I did just pull out a Little House on the Prairie term.  Take that

In August I took a road trip.  I traveled from NJ to MA and spent a few days in my beloved New England.  Then I traveled from MA to Syracuse, NY.  While in MA, I took some photos of random things that reminded me of who I am.  I am obsessed with three things–from a photography standpoint, at least–benches, stairs and doorways. 

Doorways represent new beginnings and endings.  Both are good things in due season. 

Stairs represent movement from one level to another.  Either up or down.  Both are good in due season. 

Benches represent rest.  Rest is a good thing.  Even God took a day of rest after He created the earth. Something I’m learning is that rest does not mean inaction.  Rest means trusting in God…trusting that He truly knows what is best for me.

The other day I was at my wits end, so I sent a tweet out to the world, asking for prayer.  You know what happened?  God answered my prayers, and the prayers of my tweets.  Today I find myself still, knowing that He is God. 

I am enjoying this moment…and I truly look forward to 2009.  I only see bright skies ahead.  The best is yet to come.

It’s funny.  After walking so long in the fog–metaphorically speaking–I feel like I have been given a new pair of glasses.

When I was seven years old, I was taken to the eye doctor, and I got my first pair of glasses.  I will never forget marvelling of everything that I thought I could see, that I couldn’t.  I distinctly remember seeing the leaves on trees.  To those of you with good eyes, you probably think I’m insane.  But everytime I get a new prescription, I am always thrilled to see leaves.  Maybe I’m just a simple woman.

Tonight I got a sneak peak into worship practice at Buckhead Church in Atlanta–thanks to loswhit. Back in the day, I was the overhead chick at my church. I love to worship, but I can’t carry a tune in a bucket. Nor can I play an instrument. So I considered my technical savvy my instrument. I loved worship practice…just being around talented people, watching how the service would come together. Tonight, as I got my sneak peak of worship practice, a part of me that I hadn’t seen in a while kind of perked up, if you will.

Today has been one of those days where things are starting to awaken again.  Desires that I had buried.  Dreams that I thought were just that…dreams. 

So, I guess the addage it’s darkest before the dawn is true.  The last couple of weeks have been exceptionally bleak.  But it seems that the sun is rising…and that good things, God things are coming.

Something must have happened to me.  I don’t know the “what” but I can see the consequences.  Today, I had more patience.  I laughed more.  I felt more like me than I have in a while.  I see possibilities rather than just the hurdles. 

There are some people around whom I don’t recognize myself.  And then there are the people around whom I remember who I am.  This weekend I was around people who reminded me of who I am.  Because they know who I am.  It was I who lost sight of that.

Today I told someone, with all due sincerity, that I am going to preach the gospel all over the world.  I know that it’s true.  I know that God has a lot of work to do in my heart, in my spirit, in my life for that to happen.  Obviously healing has to take place.  I have to forgive myself of so much.  But, God is bigger than my inadequacies.  If God was able to transform Saul into Paul, Christian killer into author of 2/3 of the NT, then God can certainly do the work in me that He needs to.

I have a new favorite artist.  Sara Groves.  I was introduced to her a few months ago when I was going through some stuff.  I just listened to the song that was recommended yesterday, entitled “This Journey is my own.”  Good stuff.  Check it out.  I wanted to put it here, but I couldn’t find it.  So I give you another song, which I dedicate to my future friends all over the world.  Enjoy.

I made a promise to myself that I would not download my emotions onto my blog.  I am about to break that promise.

This week has been tough.  I worked a lot of hours this week.  We started our new training session today, and it has taken every ounce of my energy and attention.  I worked really hard all week…orgainizing things, getting the flow of the day down, preparing hands-on materials, learning how to delegate.  I wanted so many things to improve over our last session.

I was successful.  Today was much more organized and productive than the first day of the last session.  Of course, I still found things to improve for next time, but I did the best that I could. 

However, I have an intense struggle on my hand.  I struggle with perfectionism.  I am not satisfied with great, good, excellent.  I want perfection.  If I see things that can be improved, I see it as failure.  I know that I am like this in every area of my life.  With school, nothing less than an A is acceptable for me.  In church, I have a vision for the way that I want things and if they do not meet my (unreal) expectations, I am continually disappointed.

I thought I had this thing licked.  I remember being in a place where perfection was expected, and anything less than that was punished.  I swore that I would not fall into this trap again.  Yet…here I find myself.  Perfectionism is a horrific master.  There was only One who was perfect.  His name is Jesus.  His disciples were not perfect.  Noone in the Bible (aside from Jesus) was perfect.  So why is it that I find myself putting that standard on myself?  And on others? 

I also don’t really like curve balls.  Today one of my colleagues asked for something, and I completely over-reacted, as if what he was asking for was monumental.  It wasn’t.  It was something that we have available.  As a matter of fact, I over-reacted over the same thing not once but twice, with two different people. 

I could easily blame my faults on exhaustion.  I could blame it on stress.  But frankly, these things are heart issues. 

I’m in the wilderness again.  Satan is tempting me, and I’m falling hook, line and sinker.  I’m human, so all I can do is repent, ask God to forgive me, and keep alert for this behavior in the future. 

I don’t like myself very much right now.  I know that God loves me.  I know that this is a part of His plan for my life.  How can I be a pastor with a heart for people and a propensity for perfectionism?  Being a people person and a perfectionist, in my experience, do NOT go hand in hand.  I need this thing broken into a million pieces.  I need it to be shot in the heart with a silver bullet, never to rear its ugly head again.  I wonder–is this something with which I will struggle for the rest of my life, or is this something that I can allow God to heal? 

Something that God showed me on the way home was that perfectionism is a lordship issue.  If God is the Lord of my life, the One to whom I am completely yielded, I will not struggle with perfectionism because I will understand that I can do all things THROUGH Jesus Christ, not through myself.  Until I yield 100% of my life to Him, I will stuggle with this.

Lord, I yeild my life to You.  I give my life to You.  I ask you to be the Lord of my life–of the entirety of my life.  Lord, teach me to lean upon You and not myself.  Lord, I give you my load and ask for your yoke.  Lord, I love you.  Please forgive me for trying to do things on my own rather than with you and in you.  Fill me with your love and your joy and your peace.  In Jesus name, Amen.

I am in the middle of a marathon right now.  School.  Working six days.  And some nights.  Trying to do the work on my plate while we have trainees in the office.  Camp counselor.  Friend.  Aunt.  Little league baseball cheerleader.  Daughter.  Chruch goer.  Church leader.  Blogger. 

I can’t get away from teeth.  How did a dental commercial get on tv just now?  Weird.

I wouldn’t want my life any other way.  Except maybe enough time to focus on more church stuff.  I would love to be able to do what I love most.  I think that God is teaching me so much more from the chaos of my life than I could learn if I didn’t have all of these plates spinning.  I am learning how to lead…and how not to lead.  I am learning how to follow and how not to follow.  I am learning how to lean on God in a way that I’ve never leaned before.

I’m sorry if I’ve been neglecting you…using my blog more as a vent than a lamp.  I can make no promises that this will change in the very near future. 

Please pray for me.  Along with all of this activity, today I had a heart issue that caught me by surprise.  I’m not going into details (so please don’t ask) because God knows what is going on.  I asked Him to help me through this.  But…I also know that the prayer of a righteous man (or woman) availeth much. 

Thanks…back to work

I find myself at a loss for words.  Surprising if you know me.  Haha.

I guess I can start by trash talking.  Yesterday was, by far, the best football day that I’ve had in a LONG time.  The Patirots put a beating on the Jets   And the Cowboys…yeah, they actually took care of the Giants.  And they didn’t self-destruct at the end of the game.  Go Wade Phillips and crew!

But then I open up my ESPN page (I’m a subscriber….and a girl…I’m some man’s dream…haha) and I see that the Pats have been accused (again?!) of spying on the Jets signs.  Apparently they have some dude who videos the other team giving signals.  What?!  But…why is it illegal to read the other team’s signals?  Wouldn’t that be a part of strategy for the game?  I guess not.  If it is proven true, we can lost a draft pick or something like that.  Nice.  I still love the Pats.  And always will.  Hopefully they will take care NOT TO GET CAUGHT the next time they are spying. 

Had a tough talk with someone last night.  She’s afraid of church.  Of Christians.  We were in a church gone awry.  I left afraid, hurt, bleeding.  But over the past two years, I’ve allowed God to work on those parts.  I’ve allowed Him to go *there.*  I’m not afraid of church anymore.  I’m not afraid of Christians.  I’d certainly be heading in the wrong direction if I didn’t like church or Christians, right?

What makes Christians different than non-Christians?  Is a fear of Christians a fear of Christians or a fear of man?  Or is it a fear of Christ in other people?  Is it a fear of righteousness or self-righteousness?  Is it a fear of accountability?  Do we, who call ourselves Christians, not realize that churches are petri dishes of brokenness?  In and of myself, I am not whole.  I am only made whole by the One who gave His life for my sin. 

That brings me to another topic. Sin.  When did the church become afraid to call sin what it is?  When the government threatened to take away our nonprofit status if we have a black and white view on the world?  When we began to accept relativism as truth rather than the Word of God? 

I don’t want the watered down gospel.  I don’t want watered down truth.  I want the truth, the whole truth, so help me God.  Jesus is the ONLY way to the Father.  Any time I break the divine law, as given by God, I sin.  That means when I judge someone, I sin.  When I lust, I sin.  When I think on things that do not glorify God, I sin.  When I put ANYTHING ahead of God, I sin.  Murder is the same as lying is the same as stealing is the same as homosexuality is the same as self-righteousness.  Sin is sin.  There is no hierarchy of sin.  But…the good news is this.  If I repent of these things, if I turn away, and ask Jesus for forgiveness, I am forgiven.  He gave His life on the cross.  He was beaten beyond recognition.  He died.  He ROSE on the third day. 

So yeah.  Seminary is causing me to think.  And I think that it is messing with my perceptions.  Thank God for that.  Because my perceptions are not so good most of the time.  I want God’s perspective, not my own.

Guess I wasn’t at a loss for words. 

There’s something weird going on in my house right now.  I can hear myself think.  For the first part of the week, my parents were vacationing in Montauk in NY.  I saw the pics.  I can’t wait to get out there one day myself…long walks on the beach, the sound of waves lulling me to sleep.  Ahhh….

The parents returned on Thursday, and my sister and her crew rolled out of here Thursday evening for a week in FL.  I forgot what it was like to be able to think.  To have a conversation without being contantly interrupted.  Ahhh…

This week is also officially “girl problem week.”  I don’t know if there is something floating around in the atmosphere.  Almost every woman that I’ve spoken to has had some weird guy problems.  He’s dating someone else and it cuts.  He moves across the country.  He moved in next door.  These are deep heart issues.

This week has forced me to look myself in the eye and, once again, define what I consider to be the norm for my life.  I can’t let a married person define my norm, because being married is their norm.  I can’t let friends determine my norm because I have a different career path, a different set of goals.  I have to wrestle out issues in my own life, see what the Bible says should be my norm and work from that set of data.  And quite frankly, this is something that we all have to do.  If you do not have a center line, you are going to live a life that is constantly striving to be in focus rather than living a life of focus.   

I work with the knowledge that nothing is a surprise to God.  I’m 31 and single, working for a Korean company that is new in the US, serving in a church that is new in its community, living in my parents house.  God didn’t wake up this morning (not that He sleeps, work with me here) and say, “Crap!  How did Deneen get there?“  God is using these circumstances that were not on my life’s goal sheet to prepare me for something.

When I find myself discouraged, frustrated, disillusioned with my circumstances, I go back to the scriptures that God has spoken into my life.  I have four scriptures that are my heart beat; they are the oxygen tank and life support when I want to give up and die.

Right now, the norms for my life are:

• Being single is normal
• Working long hours for a start-up comany in which the primary language is not my native tongue is normal
• Living with my parents is normal
• Serving in a start up church in which they do not speak the same church language as I is normal

My norms do not line up with the norms of mainstream America.  But I do believe that my norms line up with the Bible. 

• God is preparing me for a life wherein living outside of my culture is almost comfortable. 
• God is developing me into the woman that He’s called me to do while I am single so that one day I can have a marriage that is off the charts. 
• God is allowing me to live with my parents so that I can save money and pay off my bills. 
• God is allowing me to serve in a new church so that when I begin planting churches, I know what works and what doesn’t work. 

All in all, I see God in all of my circumstances.

Can I say something?  I’ve been a hurting, judgmental jerk.  For I don’t know.  About 2 years or so?

This morning I got up, and all I wanted to do was spend some time with God…read the scriptures in Acts, worship Him.  A few songs have been going through my mind recently, so I went to the handy iTunes store and purchased a few songs.  Three of the songs I bought were from Hillsong United More Than Life.  I plugged myself into my iPod, began reading Acts,  and I found myself having trouble breathing, having trouble sitting down, having trouble standing.  I was completely overcome by the Holy Spirit.

The cynical, jaded part of me immediately concluded that I wanted to jump up and down because that was scripted for me in my previous church.  It is what scared me off from a wonderfully warm and inviting church in MA.  But then I heard the Holy Spirit say to me, “Deneen.  Have you taken the time to consider that jumping to music that glorifies Me, jumping in specific moments in a song, is not so much scripted as it is people being overcome with passion for Me?  Did you jump because it was scripted, or did you jump because you love Me with everything inside of you?”

I have harbored bitterness in my heart toward so many people, toward churches, toward songs that has been eating away at me like a cancer.  Lord, forgive my bitterness.  Lord, forgive me for being a judgmental pharisee.  Lord, I ask you to replace that bitterness with love, with a passion for your people, with a passion for those people against whom I’ve held so much.  Lord, thank you for lancing the boil that has encased my heart.  I pray, God, that you would bless those who I’ve hurt by holding onto this crap.  And God, I pray that you would give me the strength, the courage, the integrity to reach out to those people.  You know who they are, Lord.  Bless them God abundantly.  For what they’ve spoken into my life, for the lessons I’ve learned from them.  Bless them, God, because they are Your children and because You love them.  Amen.