i was MADE for this

Today I went to church.  For the first time since I returned from a dental meeting in Boston.  It’s been a while.  A friend invited me.  Otherwise, I probably wouldn’t have gone.  Just being honest. 

This is how it went down.  She saw that I had changed my “status” on myspace.  She commented me that this guy, Mike Murphy, was speaking.  She mentioned it had be a little while since she had seen me.  I agreed to go.

This is a guy who has opened up scripture for mein ways that noone else has.  And he has ticked me offlike noone else has.  But I knew that I was supposed to go.  Probably because of the butterflies that I get in my stomach when I am good-nervous.

I’m not going to get al super-Christian and say that my life was radically transformed by today.  What I will say is that I needed to be there.  I learned today that I am a piece in some puzzle.  Some weird, unfinished puzzle that confounds me. 

Whatn perplexes me more is that I am not part of one puzzle.  I am a part of many interlinking, interlocking puzzles.  I am a bridge for some, a pillar for other. 

The lesson that I am learning is that I don’t know the role that has been scripted for me in the play that is my life, our lives.  All I know is that I have a part, and I need to be the part.  I cannot deny who I am, but I also cannot overplay my part. 

One of my weaknesses is that I don’t want to play multiple parts.  I want one identifiable role.  I want to know where I stand.  I don’t do well in the grey areas of life.  But life is lived in the grey.  Nothing is black and white.  If it is, there is something wrong.  If I cannot function in the grey, I am in trouble.

The fact is that I do not have one role.  I have many roles.  And through all of my roles, I have to be myself.  All things to all people.  Or something lke that.

This morning, I had an embarassing experience.  Seriously embarassing.  I went to get coffee at my favorite coffee shop, and I had insufficient funds in my account.  I’m not good with finances, I’m the first to admit.  However, I’ve had amazing self-control over the past week.  I purposed to not spend a lot of money so that I don’t squander what little cashflow I have.  A co-worker (who started yesterday….even more embarassing) paid for my coffee and we were on our way back to the office.

You see, a parking lot where I parked for six months, didn’t take payment from my checking account for three months.  THREE MONTHS.  I called the accounting guy for the company, and begged, pleaded my case.  I asked him what he expects me to do, since he took all of my money at once.  He told me that it’s a personal problem that I need to deal with.  I was livid. 

I have a choice.  I can rant and rave against the parking lot.  I could dispute the charges (falsely) and get the money back for instant gratification…I could live outside of my means for the next two weeks, and eventually pay the charges anyway.  Or I can realize that this is a personal problem.  I should be taking better care of my finances.  I should have known. 

So, for the next two weeks, I am going to be a brown bagger.  And I’m going to drink the coffee I make at the office.  There are people in the world who have nothing.  Who am I to complain that I’m broke when the $3 in my bank account still ranks me among the richest in the world?

Something must have happened to me.  I don’t know the “what” but I can see the consequences.  Today, I had more patience.  I laughed more.  I felt more like me than I have in a while.  I see possibilities rather than just the hurdles. 

There are some people around whom I don’t recognize myself.  And then there are the people around whom I remember who I am.  This weekend I was around people who reminded me of who I am.  Because they know who I am.  It was I who lost sight of that.

Today I told someone, with all due sincerity, that I am going to preach the gospel all over the world.  I know that it’s true.  I know that God has a lot of work to do in my heart, in my spirit, in my life for that to happen.  Obviously healing has to take place.  I have to forgive myself of so much.  But, God is bigger than my inadequacies.  If God was able to transform Saul into Paul, Christian killer into author of 2/3 of the NT, then God can certainly do the work in me that He needs to.

I have a new favorite artist.  Sara Groves.  I was introduced to her a few months ago when I was going through some stuff.  I just listened to the song that was recommended yesterday, entitled “This Journey is my own.”  Good stuff.  Check it out.  I wanted to put it here, but I couldn’t find it.  So I give you another song, which I dedicate to my future friends all over the world.  Enjoy.

I made a promise to myself that I would not download my emotions onto my blog.  I am about to break that promise.

This week has been tough.  I worked a lot of hours this week.  We started our new training session today, and it has taken every ounce of my energy and attention.  I worked really hard all week…orgainizing things, getting the flow of the day down, preparing hands-on materials, learning how to delegate.  I wanted so many things to improve over our last session.

I was successful.  Today was much more organized and productive than the first day of the last session.  Of course, I still found things to improve for next time, but I did the best that I could. 

However, I have an intense struggle on my hand.  I struggle with perfectionism.  I am not satisfied with great, good, excellent.  I want perfection.  If I see things that can be improved, I see it as failure.  I know that I am like this in every area of my life.  With school, nothing less than an A is acceptable for me.  In church, I have a vision for the way that I want things and if they do not meet my (unreal) expectations, I am continually disappointed.

I thought I had this thing licked.  I remember being in a place where perfection was expected, and anything less than that was punished.  I swore that I would not fall into this trap again.  Yet…here I find myself.  Perfectionism is a horrific master.  There was only One who was perfect.  His name is Jesus.  His disciples were not perfect.  Noone in the Bible (aside from Jesus) was perfect.  So why is it that I find myself putting that standard on myself?  And on others? 

I also don’t really like curve balls.  Today one of my colleagues asked for something, and I completely over-reacted, as if what he was asking for was monumental.  It wasn’t.  It was something that we have available.  As a matter of fact, I over-reacted over the same thing not once but twice, with two different people. 

I could easily blame my faults on exhaustion.  I could blame it on stress.  But frankly, these things are heart issues. 

I’m in the wilderness again.  Satan is tempting me, and I’m falling hook, line and sinker.  I’m human, so all I can do is repent, ask God to forgive me, and keep alert for this behavior in the future. 

I don’t like myself very much right now.  I know that God loves me.  I know that this is a part of His plan for my life.  How can I be a pastor with a heart for people and a propensity for perfectionism?  Being a people person and a perfectionist, in my experience, do NOT go hand in hand.  I need this thing broken into a million pieces.  I need it to be shot in the heart with a silver bullet, never to rear its ugly head again.  I wonder–is this something with which I will struggle for the rest of my life, or is this something that I can allow God to heal? 

Something that God showed me on the way home was that perfectionism is a lordship issue.  If God is the Lord of my life, the One to whom I am completely yielded, I will not struggle with perfectionism because I will understand that I can do all things THROUGH Jesus Christ, not through myself.  Until I yield 100% of my life to Him, I will stuggle with this.

Lord, I yeild my life to You.  I give my life to You.  I ask you to be the Lord of my life–of the entirety of my life.  Lord, teach me to lean upon You and not myself.  Lord, I give you my load and ask for your yoke.  Lord, I love you.  Please forgive me for trying to do things on my own rather than with you and in you.  Fill me with your love and your joy and your peace.  In Jesus name, Amen.

I find myself at a loss for words.  Surprising if you know me.  Haha.

I guess I can start by trash talking.  Yesterday was, by far, the best football day that I’ve had in a LONG time.  The Patirots put a beating on the Jets   And the Cowboys…yeah, they actually took care of the Giants.  And they didn’t self-destruct at the end of the game.  Go Wade Phillips and crew!

But then I open up my ESPN page (I’m a subscriber….and a girl…I’m some man’s dream…haha) and I see that the Pats have been accused (again?!) of spying on the Jets signs.  Apparently they have some dude who videos the other team giving signals.  What?!  But…why is it illegal to read the other team’s signals?  Wouldn’t that be a part of strategy for the game?  I guess not.  If it is proven true, we can lost a draft pick or something like that.  Nice.  I still love the Pats.  And always will.  Hopefully they will take care NOT TO GET CAUGHT the next time they are spying. 

Had a tough talk with someone last night.  She’s afraid of church.  Of Christians.  We were in a church gone awry.  I left afraid, hurt, bleeding.  But over the past two years, I’ve allowed God to work on those parts.  I’ve allowed Him to go *there.*  I’m not afraid of church anymore.  I’m not afraid of Christians.  I’d certainly be heading in the wrong direction if I didn’t like church or Christians, right?

What makes Christians different than non-Christians?  Is a fear of Christians a fear of Christians or a fear of man?  Or is it a fear of Christ in other people?  Is it a fear of righteousness or self-righteousness?  Is it a fear of accountability?  Do we, who call ourselves Christians, not realize that churches are petri dishes of brokenness?  In and of myself, I am not whole.  I am only made whole by the One who gave His life for my sin. 

That brings me to another topic. Sin.  When did the church become afraid to call sin what it is?  When the government threatened to take away our nonprofit status if we have a black and white view on the world?  When we began to accept relativism as truth rather than the Word of God? 

I don’t want the watered down gospel.  I don’t want watered down truth.  I want the truth, the whole truth, so help me God.  Jesus is the ONLY way to the Father.  Any time I break the divine law, as given by God, I sin.  That means when I judge someone, I sin.  When I lust, I sin.  When I think on things that do not glorify God, I sin.  When I put ANYTHING ahead of God, I sin.  Murder is the same as lying is the same as stealing is the same as homosexuality is the same as self-righteousness.  Sin is sin.  There is no hierarchy of sin.  But…the good news is this.  If I repent of these things, if I turn away, and ask Jesus for forgiveness, I am forgiven.  He gave His life on the cross.  He was beaten beyond recognition.  He died.  He ROSE on the third day. 

So yeah.  Seminary is causing me to think.  And I think that it is messing with my perceptions.  Thank God for that.  Because my perceptions are not so good most of the time.  I want God’s perspective, not my own.

Guess I wasn’t at a loss for words. 

It’s been an interesting day…mostly filled with me finding reasons to drive my car

I don’t know if I explained what a miracle that car is.  The last seven years have been financially difficult for me, to say the least.  I made some rash decisions professionally that led to bad credit, repossession of a car and a lot of other stuff. 

I drove my last car into a deep puddle.  It only had basic insurance on it, so when it became waterlogged…I sold it to my uncle who fixed it up and sold it. 

So, yesterday when I went to the dealership, I went in expecting to be given a song and a dance, and to hopefully leave the dealership with a car that had come a/c and four tires.  What happened blew my mind.  And made me see God in a new way.

I prayed before I went to the dealership that God would place me with the salesperson He wanted me to work with.  And Dan, my sales guy…was awesome.  I wanted the 0% financing deal (who wouldn’t?) but I would have settled for 8% interest.  I got the 0%.  I wanted a mp3  hookup so that I can use my iPod.  I got that and an upgraded stereo system, including power windows, locks, keyless entry and remote trunk opener.

God really showed me His grace yesterday.  I had a tough, tough week.  Anger issues rose up in areas that were just embarassing.  I’m in a transitional place in my life right now…some things need to change, but I need doors to open for them to change.  Friday night I made one bad decision after another.  Even with all of my shortcomings, God moved in a mighty way in my life on Saturday.  He showed me that He truly wants to restore what the locusts have stolen.  What God has in store for me is so much bigger than I am…and he showed it to me through the car and even the laptop on which I am typing this blog.

So, I am thankful for the grace of God.  I am thankful that I AM is in control of my life, not me.  I am thankful that I serve a loving, gracious God who uses utter and total knuckleheads like me, despite me, for His glory. 

Well, the time has come.  I am in the market for a vehicle.  I am looking for something that will allow me to transport things as necessary for work…so that I don’t have to worry about getting things from here to there.  Though I will be making payments, my commuting costs will go down.  Parking will be paid for whereas I pay for my bus/train fare. 

Funny.  It’s been seven years since I’ve had a car that I feel comfortable driving.  I lost my last new car because of some dumb decisions on my part, and I’ve spent a considerable amount of time beating myself up.  The past seven years have been gruelling…trying to make better decisions; trying to find God’s hand in the repairs that have been going on.  But today, I stand on the border of my future.

I am watching God restore what the locusts have stolen.  I am watching God work out all things for the good of those who love Him (me) and those who are called according to His purpose.  I am watching God provide for my needs in ways that I never would have imagined.  I am watching God give me peace where there was nothing but distress and turmoil.  I am watching God bring to the surface gifts that I had buried deeply.  I see the footsteps of God all around my life. 

What I have learned is not to lose hope.  Just when you think that all is lost, God will show up and blow your mind.  Don’t take my word for it.  Take God at His word.

Can I say something?  I’ve been a hurting, judgmental jerk.  For I don’t know.  About 2 years or so?

This morning I got up, and all I wanted to do was spend some time with God…read the scriptures in Acts, worship Him.  A few songs have been going through my mind recently, so I went to the handy iTunes store and purchased a few songs.  Three of the songs I bought were from Hillsong United More Than Life.  I plugged myself into my iPod, began reading Acts,  and I found myself having trouble breathing, having trouble sitting down, having trouble standing.  I was completely overcome by the Holy Spirit.

The cynical, jaded part of me immediately concluded that I wanted to jump up and down because that was scripted for me in my previous church.  It is what scared me off from a wonderfully warm and inviting church in MA.  But then I heard the Holy Spirit say to me, “Deneen.  Have you taken the time to consider that jumping to music that glorifies Me, jumping in specific moments in a song, is not so much scripted as it is people being overcome with passion for Me?  Did you jump because it was scripted, or did you jump because you love Me with everything inside of you?”

I have harbored bitterness in my heart toward so many people, toward churches, toward songs that has been eating away at me like a cancer.  Lord, forgive my bitterness.  Lord, forgive me for being a judgmental pharisee.  Lord, I ask you to replace that bitterness with love, with a passion for your people, with a passion for those people against whom I’ve held so much.  Lord, thank you for lancing the boil that has encased my heart.  I pray, God, that you would bless those who I’ve hurt by holding onto this crap.  And God, I pray that you would give me the strength, the courage, the integrity to reach out to those people.  You know who they are, Lord.  Bless them God abundantly.  For what they’ve spoken into my life, for the lessons I’ve learned from them.  Bless them, God, because they are Your children and because You love them.  Amen.

This morning, I woke up and I was fah-reaking out.  I realized, in an instant, that I have, once again, fallen into the trap of finding my identity not in Christ but in the things that I do.  Like work.  Like ministry.  Like being an aunt.  Like being a sister.  Like being a daughter.  I am talking about a serious identity crisis here. 

On my way into work, I plugged myself into my ipod, and listened to some Catalyst podcasts.  They re-ran an interview from a few years back with Bill Bright.  Oh my goodness…talk about God’s timing.  He said in the interview that he would tell people that they had not lost their first love, they had left their first love.  I was literally in the same spot on Market Street, in Philadelphia, as when God spoke this post.  Ouch again.  Some things that he said really made me reevaluate where I am.  Chew on these things.

• Bill Bright was 32 when he started Campus Crusade for Christ
• Bill Bright and his wife signed a contract to be slaves for Jesus Christ
• He refused to take credit when people complimented him because slaves are undeserving of credit.
• When problems arose, he would tell God, “Looks like You’ve got a problem here.”

That’ll put things into perspective for you, eh?

I also read Perry Noble’s blog this morning and was given some fresh perspective.  Apparently he was criticized for being too honest from the pulpit, and was told that he had to give his congregation someone to look up to.  This is his response:

I do give them someone to look up to…His name is Jesus.  If they look up to me all their lives then they will spend eternity in hell–and I just don’t care about looking good in people’s eyes to carry that weight into eternity.

That my friends changed my perspective. 

I find that when I have those moments of identifying with the doing and not the being, it is because my focus has turned in, toward my navel rather than toward Jesus and all of His magnificence.

The fact of the matter is this.  The work will get finished.  Thinking about it and talking about it outside of work will do nothing to help me accomplish what I cannot do at that moment.  What is limited is my time on earth.  The only thing that I can do here that I cannot do when I get to heaven is show people the love of Christ.  In order to show people Christ, I must spend time in HIS PRESENCE so that I can be immersed in Him.  I want more of Him in my life and less of me.

Let’s be honest.  In 30 years time, will anyone remember that I printed 30 kits for a training class?  Or will someone remember that woman who showed them the love of Jesus for the first time? 

I want my footsteps, my life to ring into eternity. 

Am I fah-reaking out anymore?  Nah.  Leave that to other people, who love stress.  As for me and my house, we’re gonna serve the Lord.

Today was an excellent day.  I love watching God move…in the lives of my friends, family, acquaintances and people that I’ve just met.  When good things happen, I know that God is blessing people.  When bad things happen, I can see that God is tearing down one thing to build up another thing.  One thing that I know is that God does not become more sovereign when I am blessed, nor does He lose one ounce of His sovereignty when it looks like life is falling apart.

Don’t know why I stepped onto that soap box, but there you have it.

Back to the excellent day.  I had a really chill day.  Mom and I went to breakfast.  Man, was I craving breakfast food.  I had it all, too–eggs, sausage, pancakes, diner coffee.  Yum.  Then I went and got my hair done and my eyebrows waxed.  There is something so reassuring when you walk into the salon, feeling a little less than on top of your game, about knowing that you will walk out on top of your game.  Maybe it’s a chick thing. 

But–that is how I feel whenever I spend time in the presence of God.  I walk in, knowing that in and of myself and my actions, I am not worthy of God’s time.  But, because of the work that Christ did on the cross, giving of His life for mine, I can walk into the presence of God boldly, knowing that He will smile, speak in a still quiet voice to the deep places in my soul, and I will walk away with a new bounce in my step, knowing God a little more and knowing myself a little more.