i was MADE for this

This weekend I had the opportunity to hang out with some of my best friends in the whole world.  I hadn’t had a visit with them–more than a few stolen minutes at a wedding–in six years.  When Lynell picked me up at the airport, I felt as if I’d seen her the day before.

I’ve been doing a lot of looking backward lately.  Maybe it’s the springtime.  Maybe it’s because I’m on the cusp of something that makes me sick to my stomach and excited.  Regardless of the cause, I’ve come up with some regrets.

This weekend, those regrets were erased.  During what seem, in retrospect, like some of the worst times in my life, I made some of the best friends I’ll ever have.  We laugh together.  We cry together.  We stalk the Gateway Arch together.   

Sometimes it’s tough to remember the blessing of my friends when they aren’t in my daily life.  Whenever I look at this photo, I’ll remember how blessed I am.

I am amazed at my dedication to celebrating a holiday I’ve never acknowledged before.  

I usually live a pretty boring life.  Work.  Consulting.  Gym.  Little leage baseball.  Tanning.  Reading.  Blogging. Occasionally I go out with my friends.  Usually once every two weeks or so.  I like to pace myself.

This weekend, I filled my quota for about three months of socializing.

I made some new friends.  I became a band groupie.  haha.  I got way too little sleep and had way too much fun.  I saw new parts of Philadelphia.  I had some of the best Chinese food in the city.    My face is posted all over facebook.  

I danced.  Willingly.  Don’t tell anyone.  That has to be our little secret.  

St. Patrick, thank you for chasing all of the snakes out of Ireland.  I had a great time this weekend.

With all of the talk of fear this week, I have to give a moment to talk about unconditional love.  The Bible says that perfect love casts out all fear.  The love the Bible refers to is the Father’s love.

Unfortunately, in this day and age, there is very little unconditional love.  I just don’t think that there is enough of it in the world today.  With divorce rates skyrocketing, both kids and adults find themselves unsure of whether someone loves them at a particular moment, let alone unconditionally.

One of my good friends is getting married next weekend.  I thought I would be able to make it, but I’m not.  Telling them that I could not attend the wedding was tough.  Really tough.  You know what I got in return?  Love.  Encouragement.  Sure, we’re all disappointed.  But because we love one another unconditionally, we move forward, our friendship unscathed.

Sure, I have a lot of fears (as you’ll read more about this week.)  But I’ve also been blessed.  Now I just have to learn to receive the unconditional love.  But that is a subject for another blog.

Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend who is living out her dream…I mean the kind of dream that you have when you are eight years old. 

She was trying so hard to explain to me everything–the emotions, the excitement, the dream hangover of the next day.  She was frustrated because the words escaped her to describe the experience.

I found myself giving some of the best advice I ever had–and I can take no credit, because it is contrary to everything that I do myself.  I found myself telling her to stop trying to put labels on the moments but rather to drink in the experience.  Live in the moment.  I guess reading that Eckhart Tolle book is having an effect on me. 

I have to do this myself.  Instead of looking back to what now seems so perfect, or looking ahead to what I want to happen, I have to enjoy the little moments of today.  The less frequent moments where my niece and nephews want to sit with me and watch tv…or spend time with me.  Those times when I know I am learning a lesson that will follow me throughout my life.

She had to make a phone call to show her passion and her thankfulness for this dream moment.  Essentially she had to seize the day and put herself out there…become vulnerable to become stronger and have the desire of her heart become reality. 

For me, vulnerability is a four-letter-word.  It’s gotten me hurt pretty badly in the past.  I have to remember…this experience is not the other experience.  It’s a new situation. 

Carpe diem.

Life is interesting…definitely more cyclical than I realized when I was younger.  There were people that I thought would be in my life forever who have exited stage left.  There were other people that I thought for sure would only be around for a short time who, ten years later, are still in my life.

But…now I am discovering gems in my life that I didn’t realize were there.  Ironically–though that probably isn’t the correct word–some of those gems are from my days as a youth leader.

Some of us took a mission trip to Miami, FL.  It was one of those trips that is an altar moment in my life…and in the lives of so many who were on the trip.  It was one of the toughtest weeks of my life.  I was stretched beyond myself…way behind myself.  Lost luggage, sleeping on a stage with no pillow, no covers, running through traffic handing out ice cold sodas and water in 100+ temperatures and 100% humidity…I could go on and on.  But, the things that God did during the evenings while we were praying formed friendships that cannot easily be broken.  I didn’t even realize that some of the friendships were formed until…well…the past few days.

This weekend my friend Kelley came home from Green Bay.  She’s one of those people who knows me better than most.  We went out with our friend Faith. 

I always liked Faith.  One of my most insane youth moments occured with her in my car.  Short version-we almost got into a car accident and the only thing I could think of telling her was to make sure that my Cinnabon didn’t get smashed.  I was a great youth leader.  Anyway–last week I popped into her coffee shop to visit.  Very randomly.  If you believe in random. 

This weekend, when we all hung out, I realized just how much she means to me.  It was just one of those moments wherein I realized that I was missing something by not having her in my life more.  She’s one of those gems who has been around, never too far, that I have rediscovered.

Life is really interesting.  Everyday I wake up and smile.  I’m really interested to see what each day holds..what will transpire.  This morning I actually took the time to make sure that I was presentable at work.  Our new AA started.  She’s a really nice woman.  When I went into my favorite coffee shop, they all looked at me and guessed that there is a man involved in the way that I look.  I just kind of smiled.  My morning crew at the coffee shop keeps it real….and they keep me grounded….yet they also keep me moving forward.

This weekend at church, my pastor talked about how men and women are different, and about how we have to value the differences and not try to make men women and women men.  I appreciate that so much.  I don’t want a man who is going to be all feminine…I want him to listen to my problems and come up with solutions rather than feeling my emotions and adding to them.  I have one guy in particular in my life who does that.  He will listen to me and tell me, “Deneen, you need to do (((insert advice here.)))  Let’s take the emotion out and look at this situation objectively.”  I value him more than most of my friends, because most of my friends won’t do that.  I don’t get the sense when he gives me advice that he is doing it for his own benefit (most of the time, at least.)  I have the sense that he truly wants what is best for me.  He’s a good guy

The rest of this week is going to be very busy…dinner out Thurs, training on Friday, Happy hour friday, work saturday, dinner saturday night, church on sunday…back to work on monday.  I’m tired just thinking about it.  But….I’m looking forward to it as well.  I just have a feeling….a good feeling. 

I find myself at a loss for words.  Surprising if you know me.  Haha.

I guess I can start by trash talking.  Yesterday was, by far, the best football day that I’ve had in a LONG time.  The Patirots put a beating on the Jets   And the Cowboys…yeah, they actually took care of the Giants.  And they didn’t self-destruct at the end of the game.  Go Wade Phillips and crew!

But then I open up my ESPN page (I’m a subscriber….and a girl…I’m some man’s dream…haha) and I see that the Pats have been accused (again?!) of spying on the Jets signs.  Apparently they have some dude who videos the other team giving signals.  What?!  But…why is it illegal to read the other team’s signals?  Wouldn’t that be a part of strategy for the game?  I guess not.  If it is proven true, we can lost a draft pick or something like that.  Nice.  I still love the Pats.  And always will.  Hopefully they will take care NOT TO GET CAUGHT the next time they are spying. 

Had a tough talk with someone last night.  She’s afraid of church.  Of Christians.  We were in a church gone awry.  I left afraid, hurt, bleeding.  But over the past two years, I’ve allowed God to work on those parts.  I’ve allowed Him to go *there.*  I’m not afraid of church anymore.  I’m not afraid of Christians.  I’d certainly be heading in the wrong direction if I didn’t like church or Christians, right?

What makes Christians different than non-Christians?  Is a fear of Christians a fear of Christians or a fear of man?  Or is it a fear of Christ in other people?  Is it a fear of righteousness or self-righteousness?  Is it a fear of accountability?  Do we, who call ourselves Christians, not realize that churches are petri dishes of brokenness?  In and of myself, I am not whole.  I am only made whole by the One who gave His life for my sin. 

That brings me to another topic. Sin.  When did the church become afraid to call sin what it is?  When the government threatened to take away our nonprofit status if we have a black and white view on the world?  When we began to accept relativism as truth rather than the Word of God? 

I don’t want the watered down gospel.  I don’t want watered down truth.  I want the truth, the whole truth, so help me God.  Jesus is the ONLY way to the Father.  Any time I break the divine law, as given by God, I sin.  That means when I judge someone, I sin.  When I lust, I sin.  When I think on things that do not glorify God, I sin.  When I put ANYTHING ahead of God, I sin.  Murder is the same as lying is the same as stealing is the same as homosexuality is the same as self-righteousness.  Sin is sin.  There is no hierarchy of sin.  But…the good news is this.  If I repent of these things, if I turn away, and ask Jesus for forgiveness, I am forgiven.  He gave His life on the cross.  He was beaten beyond recognition.  He died.  He ROSE on the third day. 

So yeah.  Seminary is causing me to think.  And I think that it is messing with my perceptions.  Thank God for that.  Because my perceptions are not so good most of the time.  I want God’s perspective, not my own.

Guess I wasn’t at a loss for words. 

Sometimes I wonder who it is that I should listen to.  How do you know who is telling you the truth, the whole truth, so help them God?  I’m a discerning person, but there are times when I go against my gut and believe what someone tells me, despite knowing in my knower that I shouldn’t. 

I’ve always poked fun at my mom because of her rose-colored glasses.  You know the person.  Always sees the best in other people, even after they’ve been abused.  I generally don’t trust people until they’ve proven themselves to me.  And once you prove yourself untrustworthy…that’s it.  I’ll be nice, but I’ll keep you are an arm’s length.

But, of course, there are those exceptions.  You know.  The people who you innately know that you shouldn’t trust, but despite yourself, you continue to trust them. 

Where am I going with this?  Jesus had a person in his life that, from all appearances, was one of the men who was closest to him.  He was the one who kept the purse.  Perhaps you’ve heard of him.  Judas Iscariot.  Sold Jesus for 30 pieces of silver.  Betrayed by a kiss. 

Jesus didn’t cut Judas out of his life.  Jesus knew that Judas had to fulfill his part of the prophesy.  Jesus knew that Judas’ actions had nothing to do with Judas and everything to do with what Jesus was placed on earth to do.  Jesus loved Judas through to the end. 

This is my challenge right now.  I know that God has placed certain people in my life for a reason.  God is building or shaping or tearing something out of my life.  I know that the world does not revolve around me, but I also know that every experience in my life has some purpose.  So, I am learning to live my life, loving the unlovely, loving the lovely, loving people who need love, not only the people who crave love.

Technorati Tags: God moment, friends

Life is funny.  I’ve been looking forward to going to Cali for work in November.  I was thinking of heading west for vacay this summer as well.  Turns out, I’m going to a wedding in Cali in October.  I can not wait.  My friend Lynell is getting married.  I’m going to cry (tears of joy) like a baby.

Now I have to hit the pavement.  I want to buy that “little black dress” for the wedding, so my exercise must increase and my calorie count must decrease.  For me, it’s easier to do things with a goal in mind.  I can’t be like Nike and “just do it.” 

Oh my goodness.  I can’t believe that I forgot to mention this.  One of my good friends got engaged recently.  In NYC.  How cool is that?  I get to go to a wedding next summer in St. Louis  

It’s been a long time since I found out that a friend was engaged that I was truly, in the tips of my toes, so excited that I broke out in goosebumps.  I can’t wait to meet my new brother.  I saw the pics of the weekend.  They are so adorable together. 

Ahhhh…..love is in the air.  Engagements.  Weddings.  Babies.  I love spring

The girl in me can’t wait to shop for a nice dress to wear, to go to the shower…I love that I have friends for whom I can get so excited.  I love that God has healed that part of my heart that used to hurt and that now rejoices.

I’m gonna cry.  I’ll have to remember the waterproof mascara and the tissues.

Maybe I’ll even have someone with whom I can enjoy the wedding. 

Shush.  Anything’s possible.

Enough for now.  Baseball time.  Need testosterone balance.