i was MADE for this

I’m sitting here in my pj’s on a Sunday morning just like any other Sunday morning.

But there’s something different.  I don’t want to be relaxing today.  I want to be doing.  I want to be a part of something much larger than I.  

I am really upset that I can’t find a church to be a part of here in NJ/PA.  I don’t want to blind-date churches.  I’ve been in bad long-term relationships with churches.  I want a church match-maker to say to me, “Deneen, this is a great church for you to plant yourself in.  Your gifts can add to the congregation in this way.  The church will benefit you in this way.”  If I had a match-maker, I would take his/her advice and see what’s going on.  

Maybe I’m lazy.  Maybe I just need this time of wanting to be a part of a church so that when I finally find a place to be planted, I’ll fully appreciate it.  Maybe I’ve been hurt so deeply that I’ll never fully invest in a church again.

Or maybe I need to think outside of the box and check out an internet campus.  Check.

I love talking with people who challenge me.  I love talking with people who have great questions.  I love people whose questions challenge the core of what I believe.  I love questions that are asked, out loud, that I have asked internally but have never asked for fear of judgment.

For so long, I’ve believed what I’ve been taught.  Or at least I’ve reiterated what I’ve been taught.  Some of the things that I’ve been taught just can’t be found in the book that they are supposed to be based on.  You may have heard of it.  It’s called the Bible.

Before I go on, I have to give a disclaimer:  I’m pointing out my failings, not only yours.  If you take my words personally, as an offense, perhaps you should check your own heart before you come out swinging.  Just saying.

From various conversations that I have had with various people, I am beginning to conclude that the Church is causing people to be agnostic/atheist. 

WHAT?  Did she really just say that?  Why ever would a *gasp* Christian say such a thing?  Obviously she is living a life of sin and depravity and cannot see what the Truth really is.  Let me call all of my friends so that we can “pray” for her.

Oops…sorry…that was an insight into my mind.  Scary place.  I’ve warned you before.

Why can’t the church get together and come up with one story to tell people?  Seriously…why does it matter whether I wear a skirt, jeans, slacks to church?  Do the lights that you have flashing all over really make you more attractive to the people that you are supposed to be reaching, or does the lights make you feel more hip? 

How about this.  Let’s put pride aside and, as a group, look at the Bible, using whatever version you think is holy, and come up with some doctrine that we all follow.  Presbyterians, Methodists, Lutherans, non-denominationals, the other three hundred branches of Christianity there are that I didn’t mention.  Let’s get together and be the church.  We can have different styles of worship, but WE CANNOT CONTINUE BEATING ONE ANOTHER UP.

Let’s stop casting stones.  My Bible says that all sin is equal.  The murders and child molestors in the maximum security prison are no more sinners than you were the other day when you looked lustfully at that person that is not your spouse. 

Jesus wasn’t actually born on Christmas.  Easter should coincide with Passover, since my Bible says that Jesus was crucified on the Friday of Passover.  The sabbath is supposed to be on Friday, not on Sunday. 

Why do we believe what we are told from the pulpit?  Have any of us really tested the words that were spoken?  Have you gone to your concordance consistently on a Sunday afternoon to make sure that what your pastor said stands up to theological scrutiny? 

Some of the conversations that I have had recently have forever changed the way that I see life, that I see church.  I’ve been scarred by the church, but I’ve not lost my faith.  I know some people who’ve rarely set foot in a church who have been run away from Christianity because we can’t get our story straight.  That, my friends, keeps me up at night.  Literally.

Today I headed to a new church (to me) so that I could be a part of One Prayer. 

I love the concept of One Prayer.  Over 900 churches united for one cause.  My prayer is for the church to unite more often. 

I’m trying to find a place that I can call home.  I fear that I am too cynical to ever truly be a part of a church like I once was.  I love God with my whole heart.  But…there is something so off-putting about church. 

In the message that was run in the church I attended today, the pastor didn’t really mention prayer.  Perhaps I didn’t fully understand the concept.  But he did mention, over and over again, how if someone isn’t serving the church that they really aren’t a member of the church.  I totally get that the church needs people to volunteer to keep working.  I understand that the church needs people bringing their tithes to the storehouse for the church to run financially.  What I don’t understand is how telling people that they are slacking by not participating, by chastiaing parents for not taking their kids to children’s church, is supposed to spur people into action. 

If I had the church’s attention for just a few minutes, this is what I would love to say to them. 

I understand that you have needs.  Seriously.  For years, I was one of the 20% of the people doing 80% of the work.  I started off working hard because I was doing it for God.  But one day, I woke up and I realized that I was doing it out of obligation to the church rather than out of an overlfowing passion for God.  That day I resigned from my activities, and I haven’t stepped back into a position of responsibility.  Perhaps that is irresponsible of me, but that is the way that it is. 

If you want people to serve with joy in the church, make them think that they are missing something fun rather than that they are going to be punished for not serving.  People respond better to positive reinforcement than negative.  Create a sense of excitement rather than an urgent need.  Let us know how exciting the children’s ministry is rather than threatening to close the ministry down.  Heck, create excitment for setting up and breaking down chairs rather than telling me how much I’m going to hate getting up extra early.

So, that is my two cents on the topic of church and getting people involved.  Perhaps I’m jaded and cynical, but let’s be honest.  Most of the “yet to know Christ” or “non-believers” as you like to label them, are.

Earlier this week, I linked to this about what pastors wish their worhsip leaders knew.  Today, I link to this post that tells what worship leaders wish their lead pastors knew.

I think that both posts reflect what I, as a congregant, would like my worship leader and my lead pastor to know

Something hit me today. A light bulb went on. 

Lately I have been eating, drinking and sleeping two things:  church and work.  I’ve probably commented on it before, but I think a lot about these two things.  A whole lot.  As a matter of fact, in church, I was talking to someone about dental implants, about surgery and got the number to the dentist for whom she works so that I can pass his information off to one of our sales reps. 

And then I went to lunch with a friend and we talked almost nonstop about work, about church, about what God is doing in our lives.  We are both passionate about seeing where God is going to take this church to which He has called us.

But…in all of my passion, in all of my Peterness, I think that my dedication to this place in which I serve may be lost in translation.  I want to make this church work.  Not another church.  I want God to use me in this place.  I’m all in.  I want to make my pastor’s life a joy–I want to do whatever I can to free him up to be the man, the pastor that God has called him to be.  But I think that my zeal may have muddied my intentions.

I don’t know where to begin in trying to describe this weekend.

Whirlwind.
Busy.
Exhausting.
Exhilarating.

I think my favorite part of my 9-5 is our Saturday training sessions with the dentists.  I love being in a classroom environment.  I love learning.  I love being around people who are ambitious and who want to make themselves and ultimately the lives of others (their patients in this case) better.  I love that God has allowed me to be a part of this, and that He uses me to allow our training to run. Sure–on Friday afternoon as I was carrying stacks of papers through August-like humidity, I wasn’t the happiest person in the world.  But the end result…I love it.

Saturday night was great–dreaming, organizing.  I love to cast vision…I love to dream big dreams with friends.  What excites me is that the dreams that we discussed may just come true one day. 

Sunday.  Where to begin?  Tropical Storm Barry held off his hand until 3PMish…which was a blessing.  I have to brag on my church.  I spent a couple of hours trying to put people into places where they could serve.  Honestly, walking in, we had a lot of people and a lot of places to serve.  But God opened the door for nearly everyone…all 45 of us…to be free.  I had a group of ladies handing out food to the elderly.  I had a group of gentlemen “monitoring” a fishing contest.  I had a couple of people hanging out with kids on those big, bouncy things.  But then…I had an army of people being the church.  Popcorn was popped and walked around the picnic.  We didn’t wait for people to come to us.  We went to the people.  We gave out loads of popcorn.  Our popcorn poppers were covered in that yellow film…if you’ve ever worked a popcorn machine, you know what I’m talking about.  Nearly everyone had a smile on their face.  We ate.  We kibbitzed.  We had a blast.

I have to admit to you.  At about 11AM, I was freaking out, thinking about everything that had to be done.  At 11:45 I was wondering who killed chivarly as I walked past groups of men loitering as Colleen and I carried the popcorn maker to it’s home for a few hours.  But by 12:30PM, I was amazed by the people that God has placed in this church in this community.  And I was humbled that He allowed me to be a part of this thing.

I learned much about myself this weekend.  I pushed myself physically to the limits.  I think I pushed myself spiritually to the limits.  But I know more of who I am today than I did yesterday.  I have my glitches, but all in all, I am beginning to see the woman that God has told me I am for the past 24 years.  I am beginning to believe, with His help, that all things are truly possible.

I could write so much more.  But I won’t.  I think that this week I will combine the fruit of the Spirit stuff God started with lessons from this weekend.

Stay tuned.

And…go make someone’s day.  Be the man or woman that God created you to be.  Nothing more and nothing less.

Blgging is interesting.  Seriously.  Today I think I had hits from just about every continent.  And I never left the East coast of the US.  It is a small world after all   God gave me a vision a long time ago to preach the gospel on every continent.  I assumed I would accrue stamps on my passport.  I never fathomed I’d be accruing hits on a blog.

Anywho.

Apparently I did not commit career suicide yesterday.  Today I was given a pretty big research project.  I’m excited.  I don’t know what this whole “career” thing looks like. 

I’ve had preconceived notions in my head what my life would look like at certain points.  What I am living at 31 looks nothing like my vision.  It’s a good thing that God is God.  ‘Cause He keeps me on my toes.

Sunday is going to be a wonderful day.  I foresee being very, very busy.  The township has added to our activities at their picnic.  I have a popcorn machine in my living room.  The kids are DYING to pop some corn, but I explained that they cannot.  I may see if I can borrow my sister’s camera so that I can post some pictures here.  

Well, I have to get to bed.  5:30 comes really, really early. 

Just found out that my pastor is going to the Exponential Conference in two weeks in Orlando.  He’s going to be around some of the movers and shakers of church planting of our time…I’m probably more excited that he’s going than I would be if I were going myself.

Can’t wait to hear all of the stories.  I’ve already threatened him that he has to blog about his experience.

And tomorrow is opening day for little league.  Can’t wait to watch butterflies chased.  And to be the best cheerer in all of Woodbury.  And to mock 10 year olds.  Life is good.

Gotta run for pizza.  More to follow.  I promise.

You know the unsettled, anticipatory theme that has been running through my writing?  This morning I woke up and it was urgent.  Don’t know what is going on…wish that God would send me the Sparks Notes of the next few days, weeks, months.

This morning I was reflecting on where I am and where I have been.  It seems that, for some reason, God has chosen me to be in male dominated fields.  This is fine with me, because, in general, women in groups of more than three (including myself) freak me out.  But, there is something about being around all men that makes me extremely conscious that I am a woman.  Sometimes this is good and affirming; at other times I feel like I am an exhibit in a glass case that occasionally is allowed to participate in the discussion, the activities and the overall “conversation,” if you understand what I am trying to say.

Today I pose a question to all of my biblical scholars.  Why is it that the church, in general, has seen fit to dig deep into some issues, topics in the Bible pertaining to women, such as the idea tha women should be silent in church, while allowing other masogynistic practices to prevail?  I apparently need to study Greek and Hebrew so that I can answer these questions for myself. 

So, chew on that.  I know I will be.  Probably for the rest of my life.

Yesterday I made a declaration.  I publicly stated that I am no longer afraid of what people think of me.  I have decided to be who I am.  I understand that there are some people who are easily offended, so to try to appease them would mean exerting a lot of energy to not offend someone who wants to be offended. 

Today I had the opportunity to put that into action.  Have you ever walked into a situation where there is an underlying tension that is palpable yet unspoken?  That describes today in a nutshell.  I could sense something but I could not name it.  I could have taken the responsibility for the something onto my shoulders.  Very easily.  I wanted to take the responsibility.  But you see, it was not my place to take on something that was not mine.  So, I prayed.  And I walked away unscathed.  I grew a duckfeather today.  One is better than none, right?

Our yearly church business meeting occured this afternoon.  In past churches, I avoided these meetings like the plague.  Our meeting reminded me of a town hall meeting.  We read the notes that were prepared.  We discussed them.  We agreed upon them.  I think that we accomplished something in the meeting.  Then we went out into the snow and headed home.  Good stuff.

I’m finding that the administrative things in life are…not necessarily my cup of tea.  I enjoy the vision casting, discussing what can be and how to get there.  But the everyday workings, while absolutely necessary…not so much.  I enjoy being a part of the process because I want to know how things work.  Knowing how things work helps in the vision casting.