i was MADE for this

I love that there are seasons in life.  Living in the Northeast, I am all too familiar with seasons…and the co-mingling of seasons.  Right now, it is technically spring, but we’ve had a bit of a cold snap.  In two weeks, it’ll probably be 110 with 100% humidity until October.

My life has very distinct seasons as well.  Solomon wrote about it in Ecclesiastes 3.  Honestly, the past season(s) have been really difficult…seasons of want, loneliness, walking through a dry desert.  I wouldn’t trade the hell I’ve lived for all of the money in the world, though.  When I am surrounded by friends, I appreciate them more after the desperate loneliness I expereinced.  When I am able to do something as simple as buy a friend a cup of coffee, I am thrilled because it was not too long ago that I couldn’t buy myself a pack of gum.  

I seem to be entering into a season of prosperity.  Many of the people who disappeared during the tough times have reappeared.  Long-forgotten friends are appearing in the most obscure, unexpected places.  Friendships forged during the fire of the past few years are proving more valuable than gold.  The Bible says in Joel 2:25-27 that God will restore what the locusts have stolen.  I’m seeing that in just about every area of my life.

I don’t write these things to boast.  If you’ve read my blog over the past year (or three) I’ve been extremely transparent about my difficulties in every area of my life.  For me, this new season–in which I am still trying to find my sea legs–is not a testimony to my abilities but rather to God’s goodness.  

I don’t believe in coincidences.  I don’t believe in chance.  I believe that every person I know has a purpose in my life, and I believe that I have a purpose in their lives.  I believe that if you are reading this rambling blog, that God himself directed you to this page.

Please be encouraged if you are going through a rough season in your life.  I know it’s tough.  I may not know the exact circumstances, but I’ve walked through the Valley of the Shadow of Death.  In God’s time, the green pastures will come. I don’t say that as a trite Christian cliche.  Frankly, those make me vomit and die a little inside.  I say that the green pastures will come because I’ve experience it firsthand.  Hold on.  Don’t let go.  If you need encouragement, hit me up via email:  missdeneen at gmail dot com.  Apparently I’m quite good at encouragement.

Every morning, I get an email with a scripture.  Today it was 1 Chronicles 4:9-10.

I remember when the book The Prayer of Jabez was first released.  It was revolutionary in its simplicity.  Based on a scripture that so many people, including myself, skipped over because it’s ensconced in genealogy.  Boring.  

1 Chronicles 4:9-10, courtesy of biblegateway.com:  ⁹ Jabez was more honorable than his brothers. His mother had named him Jabez, saying, “I gave birth to him in pain.” ¹⁰ Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.” And God granted his request.

My deepest desire is to be an honorable woman.  I want God to bless me.  I want God’s hand to be with me, to keep me from harm and free from pain.  I want my tent posts and territory to be enlarged…as my capacity is expanded, my capacity to give increases as well.

The problem is that I get into my own way much of the time.  But I’m working on it.  Daily.

I’m sitting here in my pj’s on a Sunday morning just like any other Sunday morning.

But there’s something different.  I don’t want to be relaxing today.  I want to be doing.  I want to be a part of something much larger than I.  

I am really upset that I can’t find a church to be a part of here in NJ/PA.  I don’t want to blind-date churches.  I’ve been in bad long-term relationships with churches.  I want a church match-maker to say to me, “Deneen, this is a great church for you to plant yourself in.  Your gifts can add to the congregation in this way.  The church will benefit you in this way.”  If I had a match-maker, I would take his/her advice and see what’s going on.  

Maybe I’m lazy.  Maybe I just need this time of wanting to be a part of a church so that when I finally find a place to be planted, I’ll fully appreciate it.  Maybe I’ve been hurt so deeply that I’ll never fully invest in a church again.

Or maybe I need to think outside of the box and check out an internet campus.  Check.

I finally cracked open The Reason of God by Tim Keller.  I bought it months ago, but last night I started reading it. 

Knee jerk reaction:  I like it.  I don’t get the idea that he is trying to push his church down my throat, or his ideas down my throat.  He seems, thus far, to be presenting a logical discussion of the arguments against Christianity.  It is tenable for the average person but heady enough to keep an intellectual interested.  I like books that find that balance. 

I remember when I came to a place in my adult life where I needed to make a decision about what I believed.  it wasn’t simple for me.  I asked a whole lot of questions, most of them unanswerable to those I asked.  The first time I felt intellectually stimulated by a church was when I took my first theology class.  My pastor at the time asked questions that I had burning deep within me that I didn’t realize were there.  He was talking about theories of creation and evolution. 

Evolution is one explanation about how humans became what we know as humans today.  The Big Bang Theory explains how a whole bunch of rock and gas somehow became the solar system and the universe.  But what none of these theories answer is where it all came from.  How did the cosmic goop come to being from which the amoeba turned into humans?  Where did the rocks and gases come from?  Basic laws of physics say that for every action there is an equal action.  So, where did everything come from?

I don’t have all of the answers.  The older I get, the more I am aware that I don’t know much. 

Today I went to church.  For the first time since I returned from a dental meeting in Boston.  It’s been a while.  A friend invited me.  Otherwise, I probably wouldn’t have gone.  Just being honest. 

This is how it went down.  She saw that I had changed my “status” on myspace.  She commented me that this guy, Mike Murphy, was speaking.  She mentioned it had be a little while since she had seen me.  I agreed to go.

This is a guy who has opened up scripture for mein ways that noone else has.  And he has ticked me offlike noone else has.  But I knew that I was supposed to go.  Probably because of the butterflies that I get in my stomach when I am good-nervous.

I’m not going to get al super-Christian and say that my life was radically transformed by today.  What I will say is that I needed to be there.  I learned today that I am a piece in some puzzle.  Some weird, unfinished puzzle that confounds me. 

Whatn perplexes me more is that I am not part of one puzzle.  I am a part of many interlinking, interlocking puzzles.  I am a bridge for some, a pillar for other. 

The lesson that I am learning is that I don’t know the role that has been scripted for me in the play that is my life, our lives.  All I know is that I have a part, and I need to be the part.  I cannot deny who I am, but I also cannot overplay my part. 

One of my weaknesses is that I don’t want to play multiple parts.  I want one identifiable role.  I want to know where I stand.  I don’t do well in the grey areas of life.  But life is lived in the grey.  Nothing is black and white.  If it is, there is something wrong.  If I cannot function in the grey, I am in trouble.

The fact is that I do not have one role.  I have many roles.  And through all of my roles, I have to be myself.  All things to all people.  Or something lke that.

I don’t know where to begin in trying to describe this weekend.

Whirlwind.
Busy.
Exhausting.
Exhilarating.

I think my favorite part of my 9-5 is our Saturday training sessions with the dentists.  I love being in a classroom environment.  I love learning.  I love being around people who are ambitious and who want to make themselves and ultimately the lives of others (their patients in this case) better.  I love that God has allowed me to be a part of this, and that He uses me to allow our training to run. Sure–on Friday afternoon as I was carrying stacks of papers through August-like humidity, I wasn’t the happiest person in the world.  But the end result…I love it.

Saturday night was great–dreaming, organizing.  I love to cast vision…I love to dream big dreams with friends.  What excites me is that the dreams that we discussed may just come true one day. 

Sunday.  Where to begin?  Tropical Storm Barry held off his hand until 3PMish…which was a blessing.  I have to brag on my church.  I spent a couple of hours trying to put people into places where they could serve.  Honestly, walking in, we had a lot of people and a lot of places to serve.  But God opened the door for nearly everyone…all 45 of us…to be free.  I had a group of ladies handing out food to the elderly.  I had a group of gentlemen “monitoring” a fishing contest.  I had a couple of people hanging out with kids on those big, bouncy things.  But then…I had an army of people being the church.  Popcorn was popped and walked around the picnic.  We didn’t wait for people to come to us.  We went to the people.  We gave out loads of popcorn.  Our popcorn poppers were covered in that yellow film…if you’ve ever worked a popcorn machine, you know what I’m talking about.  Nearly everyone had a smile on their face.  We ate.  We kibbitzed.  We had a blast.

I have to admit to you.  At about 11AM, I was freaking out, thinking about everything that had to be done.  At 11:45 I was wondering who killed chivarly as I walked past groups of men loitering as Colleen and I carried the popcorn maker to it’s home for a few hours.  But by 12:30PM, I was amazed by the people that God has placed in this church in this community.  And I was humbled that He allowed me to be a part of this thing.

I learned much about myself this weekend.  I pushed myself physically to the limits.  I think I pushed myself spiritually to the limits.  But I know more of who I am today than I did yesterday.  I have my glitches, but all in all, I am beginning to see the woman that God has told me I am for the past 24 years.  I am beginning to believe, with His help, that all things are truly possible.

I could write so much more.  But I won’t.  I think that this week I will combine the fruit of the Spirit stuff God started with lessons from this weekend.

Stay tuned.

And…go make someone’s day.  Be the man or woman that God created you to be.  Nothing more and nothing less.

Today while enjoying my PATCO ride (wherein I think that my seat became unbolted) I decided that I needed the living, breathing Word of God to permeate the deepest places of my being.  So, I opened up my Bible and turned to Matthew 5:14-16, in The Message. 

Here’s another way to put it:  You’re heare to be light, bringing out the God colors in the world.  God is not a secret to be kept.  We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill.  If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I”m going to hide you under a bucket, do you?  I’m putting you on a light stand.  Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand-shine! 

This really hit me between the eyes.  God placed all of us on earth to be light, to “bring out the God colors in the world.”  That says to me that my life is supposed to bring out the best in others.  I joke at work that my job is to make everyone look better, to do their jobs better.  There are days that this is a pleasure.  When I enjoy everyone who is in the office.  When I feel good about myself, about my job.  There are days when it is excruciatingly difficult to make people look better.  Like when I believe that I’ve been wronged.  Like when I didn’t get enough sleep the night before.  Like when I’ve not had my daily allotment of espresso. 

That scripture called me to account.  Because I feel like God has me hidden away, in an obuscure place.  I know that He is building character.  I know that He is tearing out and cleaning up the broken places.  I know that He is at work.  God is building patience into me…something that grows sparsely in my garden of spiritual gifts.  God is building perseverance in me…again, something missing from the bouquet of spritual gifts, a gift that I’ve not chosen to cultivate.

I think I’m onto something.  I think that perhaps I’ll begin a study of the fruit of the Spirit.  If you care to join me, check back soon.

This morning, I woke up and I was fah-reaking out.  I realized, in an instant, that I have, once again, fallen into the trap of finding my identity not in Christ but in the things that I do.  Like work.  Like ministry.  Like being an aunt.  Like being a sister.  Like being a daughter.  I am talking about a serious identity crisis here. 

On my way into work, I plugged myself into my ipod, and listened to some Catalyst podcasts.  They re-ran an interview from a few years back with Bill Bright.  Oh my goodness…talk about God’s timing.  He said in the interview that he would tell people that they had not lost their first love, they had left their first love.  I was literally in the same spot on Market Street, in Philadelphia, as when God spoke this post.  Ouch again.  Some things that he said really made me reevaluate where I am.  Chew on these things.

• Bill Bright was 32 when he started Campus Crusade for Christ
• Bill Bright and his wife signed a contract to be slaves for Jesus Christ
• He refused to take credit when people complimented him because slaves are undeserving of credit.
• When problems arose, he would tell God, “Looks like You’ve got a problem here.”

That’ll put things into perspective for you, eh?

I also read Perry Noble’s blog this morning and was given some fresh perspective.  Apparently he was criticized for being too honest from the pulpit, and was told that he had to give his congregation someone to look up to.  This is his response:

I do give them someone to look up to…His name is Jesus.  If they look up to me all their lives then they will spend eternity in hell–and I just don’t care about looking good in people’s eyes to carry that weight into eternity.

That my friends changed my perspective. 

I find that when I have those moments of identifying with the doing and not the being, it is because my focus has turned in, toward my navel rather than toward Jesus and all of His magnificence.

The fact of the matter is this.  The work will get finished.  Thinking about it and talking about it outside of work will do nothing to help me accomplish what I cannot do at that moment.  What is limited is my time on earth.  The only thing that I can do here that I cannot do when I get to heaven is show people the love of Christ.  In order to show people Christ, I must spend time in HIS PRESENCE so that I can be immersed in Him.  I want more of Him in my life and less of me.

Let’s be honest.  In 30 years time, will anyone remember that I printed 30 kits for a training class?  Or will someone remember that woman who showed them the love of Jesus for the first time? 

I want my footsteps, my life to ring into eternity. 

Am I fah-reaking out anymore?  Nah.  Leave that to other people, who love stress.  As for me and my house, we’re gonna serve the Lord.

Today was an excellent day.  I love watching God move…in the lives of my friends, family, acquaintances and people that I’ve just met.  When good things happen, I know that God is blessing people.  When bad things happen, I can see that God is tearing down one thing to build up another thing.  One thing that I know is that God does not become more sovereign when I am blessed, nor does He lose one ounce of His sovereignty when it looks like life is falling apart.

Don’t know why I stepped onto that soap box, but there you have it.

Back to the excellent day.  I had a really chill day.  Mom and I went to breakfast.  Man, was I craving breakfast food.  I had it all, too–eggs, sausage, pancakes, diner coffee.  Yum.  Then I went and got my hair done and my eyebrows waxed.  There is something so reassuring when you walk into the salon, feeling a little less than on top of your game, about knowing that you will walk out on top of your game.  Maybe it’s a chick thing. 

But–that is how I feel whenever I spend time in the presence of God.  I walk in, knowing that in and of myself and my actions, I am not worthy of God’s time.  But, because of the work that Christ did on the cross, giving of His life for mine, I can walk into the presence of God boldly, knowing that He will smile, speak in a still quiet voice to the deep places in my soul, and I will walk away with a new bounce in my step, knowing God a little more and knowing myself a little more.

This morning I came to a conclusion.  I love my life.  I really do.  I work in a great city.  Today was an especially difficult day.  I had to walk 10 blocks in the sunshine and cool air to visit two doctors that I really like.  It’s a tough life, but someone’s gotta live it.

Then on the way back to the office, I had my choice of about, I don’t know, 30 restaurants for lunch, representing just about every ethnicity that I can imagine.  I had Korean food, since my Korean co-workers refuse to take me to eat real Korean food.  I liked the food…good stuff.  I had a sizzling bowl of rice, veggies and tofu.  Did I mention the kimchi on the side.  OHMYGOODNESS.  Good stuff.

Then I stopped by a tea house for a tea to help me suffer through the rest of my day.

The office was quiet, basically all day, so I had plenty of time to marvel at what a wonderful God it is that I serve.  Sure, I don’t know the “why’s” of working for the company that I do, but I do know that He’s given me almost everything I’ve asked for.  I love working in the city; I love serving His bride; I love spending time with the most beautiful, wonderful Savior; I love that the Holy Spirit is my Comforter, my Helper; I love that God loved humanity so much that He made a plan to send His Son when Adam and Eve messed it up for the rest of us.

Maybe it’s the sunshine and the warm temperatures.  Maybe it’s a heart change.  Maybe it’s bunches of people praying for me.  I don’t know what it is, but I’m having a love fest with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  I thank God every morning that I wake up.  I thank God for so many different things.  Even in the worst of times, I have it better than those who do not know Christ have it in the best of times.