i was MADE for this

Well, I made it through my marathon day and am still employed   Actually, I had a great day today.  Emotionally and spiritually I was in a funk, but God still showed me His favor.  Though at a few moments it seemed as if things would unravel pertaining to the meeting I was hosting, everything came through in the end.  Now if I can only locate my missing coworker, I’ll be golden.  Haha

I have to learn to balance being detail oriented with being innundated with details.  Lately I’ve found myself missing that balance.  Fortunately, work-wise, the end result is excellent.  I find that other areas of my life dictate more action and less planning, if that makes any sense. 

Yeah…I don’t know if I am making any sense.  It’s probably exhaustion.

Goodnight.  Sleep well.  And as you go out into the world tomorrow, make someone’s day.  Smile.  Say thank you and mean it.  Buy a harried looking woman a coffee.  Be genuine.  Be like Jesus.

My ipod is beginning to pay dividends in my life.  Spiritually that is.  Whoever thought of podcasting deserves a special place in heaven.  Seriously.  Whatever did we do before podcasting?  Oh wait.  I just entered this world in September.  Funny how deeply technology effects one’s life.

Today as I was walking, I was listening to a podcast from Hillsong Church in Australia.  Brian Houston was talking about being an uncomplicated leader.  I never realized how complicated I am.  For me, effective teaching leaves me asking more questions than it answers, looking deeply within my soul.

One of the characteristics of an uncomplicated person is that they are not divided; the uncomplicated person is not looking to be somewhere else.  One issue that I constantly wrestle is my desire to always be somewhere else.  I have not felt settled for quite some time. 

Does that make me complicated?  Does that make me non-committed?  Does that make me a bad Christian, a bad follower of Christ?  Or does that make me a pioneer, a church-planter at heart?  Do I have to qualify the desire that God has placed deep within me to move around, to see the world, to experience many different cultures?  Why is it that I constantly question this part of me?

So, thank you Brian Houston.  Tonight my prayer is that God would search my heart, and that He will work on those parts that need to be repaired.  So if you see me and you see those orange construction signs, you will understand.  I want nothing more than to follow Christ in whatever way He wants. 

But…if the desire to travel, to be elsewhere is heightened, then I will know that this is God and not Deneen.

One more thing.  If you have an ipod or an mp3 player or a computer, I strongly suggest that you find your way over to itunes and find Brian Houston’s podcasts and find the message entitled “Uncomplicated Leaders” (or something to that effect.)  It’s good stuff.

I wish I were the friend who could tell you what you want to hear.  I wish I were the person who could tell you, and fully believe, that tomorrow, when you wake up, everything will be better.  But God has not given me the gift of tickling your ears, of telling you what you want to hear.  I understand that my responsibility is to guide you through the tough times, the desert experiences, the wasteland experiences.  I am the friend who tells you the hard things, in love, so that you can grow from the experience.  If you want your ears tickled, you should probably lose my number.

Today I received a heart-wrenching text message and email.  I wanted to call my friend and tell her that the sun will come out, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there’ll be sun.  I wanted to tell her that everything’s gonna be alright.  The fact of the matter is that God is in control, and I don’t know why He’s teaching her the tough lessons.  I don’t know how long the tough lessons will last.  What I do know is that He is forging her character, preparing her for something that is so much bigger than her circumstances.  I know that God is not surprised at her circumstances.  I know that He is in control.  Now I sound like a broken record.

There are days that I want to cry out to God, “Why me?”  Sometimes I wonder why He allows some people to live to one standard while He holds me to a different standard.  Then He reminds me that I am not those people, and that our relationship is not their relationship.  He reminds me that I was put on this planet to change the world, not to be comfortable or to settle for momentary gratification.  He reminds me that to whom much is given, much is required.  He reminds me that I have submitted my life to Him, and that I have given Him permission to do with me as He wants.  So that means that I cannot jump from boyfriend to boyfriend.  That means that I have to keep Him in the forefront of my mind in EVERYTHING I do, be it stuffing envelopes for a coworker or preaching the gospel to 100,000 people in a stadium.  I have to be the same person on the bus or in church. 

So there you have it.  Deep spiritual insights. 

You know the unsettled, anticipatory theme that has been running through my writing?  This morning I woke up and it was urgent.  Don’t know what is going on…wish that God would send me the Sparks Notes of the next few days, weeks, months.

This morning I was reflecting on where I am and where I have been.  It seems that, for some reason, God has chosen me to be in male dominated fields.  This is fine with me, because, in general, women in groups of more than three (including myself) freak me out.  But, there is something about being around all men that makes me extremely conscious that I am a woman.  Sometimes this is good and affirming; at other times I feel like I am an exhibit in a glass case that occasionally is allowed to participate in the discussion, the activities and the overall “conversation,” if you understand what I am trying to say.

Today I pose a question to all of my biblical scholars.  Why is it that the church, in general, has seen fit to dig deep into some issues, topics in the Bible pertaining to women, such as the idea tha women should be silent in church, while allowing other masogynistic practices to prevail?  I apparently need to study Greek and Hebrew so that I can answer these questions for myself. 

So, chew on that.  I know I will be.  Probably for the rest of my life.

So, today I actually felt like I accomplished something.  I sent out half of the mailers for our direct mail campaign.  For the record, direct mail…sucks.  I think I’ve permanently lost feeling on the tips of three fingers because of having to stick 592 stamps on 148 mailers.  Not to mention the 396 total labels.  Yup.  I only have a thin layer of skin left.

Work is going well.  I am learning more everyday about the products that we sell.  Dental implants are a lot more complicated than I ever would have thought.  Yet–they are also logical, with specific patterns, so I’m finding it easy to comprehend.  Now that I am taking the time to learn.  I have listened to our seminars in the morning, and I’ve engaged in conversations about the implants.  Today I actually took the time to study and I understand the implants.  Now I have to learn about the abutments and the miscellaneous other apparatus that go along with the implants.  Exciting stuff, huh?

Today as I was walking, something occurred to me.  It’s something that I have been wrestling for most of my adult life.  It feels weird to say it out loud, but I have a fear.  Of success.  I don’t know the root of this fear.  But it is real.  I think that it is one of those “this requires prayer and fasting” things. 

Today I also learned the value of reading the Word before work.  I took the time to read John 15 and my proverb of the day, and my day was exponentially better.  

So, there you have it.

I think that Valentine’s Day is a wonderful day that has been set aside to show people that you love them.  Thank God we have Hallmark to remind us, for one day, to love people.  In case Jesus didn’t stress it enough in the Bible.  I don’t know why, but this day seems to bring out insecurities in so many people.  For me, it just increases my cravings for chocolate.  I have a few words that I would like to say to certain people in my life.  Read and enjoy. 

I have friends that call February 14th “Single Awareness Day.”  For those people, I am sorry that you are only aware that you are single on this day.  That shows me that you are not enjoying the season in which God has placed you.  I am aware that I am single every day.  It affects many actions in my life.  I don’t have to find a babysitter before I go out for coffee with friends.  I don’t have to ask my boyfriend or husband for permission to go out for an evening with the gals.  I know that, for this season, I have the freedom to learn who I am in the context of being by myself.

I have friends who are not married but who have significant others for the first time.  I want it noted for the record that I am very happy that they have found someone.  However, I do not appreciate condescending text messages, emails, comments.  Being single is not a disease.  Just because I am single does not mean that I “drink in misery or watch romantic comedies.”  Because that is the way that you react to being single does not mean I need those words expressed to me. 

So, Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.  I hope that you have taken the time to express your love to that special someone in your life.  But my prayer is that you take the time every day to express love to someone…because we live in a love-starved world wherein many people are just hoping for someone to notice them. 

Looking out the window, the world looks so beautiful.  Everything is so shiny…the light reflecting off of the trees would make a breathtaking photo.

But, the reality of it is that when you step outside the door, NJ is a sheet of ice right now.  Taking to the roads (and sidewalks) is very dangerous.  Add to the ice on the streets and sidewalks the rain falling on top of it and the the temerature drop that we are expecting, and you have a recipe for many people to fall, get into accidents.

Isn’t it interesting how a distance of 3 feet can completely change one’s perspective? 

Yesterday, when I received the email that said I was accepted to seminary, I smiled quietly.  But then I continued on with my day as if nothing were different.  I could only fathom the daily impact of my decision:  extra reading, papers, homework assignments. 

Sitting here now, I am beginning to understand the eternal impact of the decision.  God has brought me to the threshold of a dream that is well over 24 years in the making.  I’d go as far as to say it is a dream that has been in the works since before He created the heavens and the earth.

I am going to seminary first and foremost to learn more about the One for whom I profess that I live my life.  I cannot think of a word to aptly describe how I want to get to know Him more.  I want to read the Bible in its original languages so that I can discern the layers of scripture…culturally and linguistically.  It is my hope and prayer that this deeper knowledge of the church, of the Bible and most importantly, of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, will change my life in such a way that others’ lives are transformed as well.

I’m not romanticizing graduate school.  I know that it, combined with work and my current ministry, will be quite a hearty endeavor.  For the next three years or so, beginning in the summer session of ‘07, I am willingly relinquishing much of my “free time.”  I find it ironic even saying that considering that Iknow that my time is not my own. 

The prayer that I’ve been praying as I wake up in the morning is, “Lord, may every breath I take be glorifying to You today.  May I live my life in such a way that every breath is a prayer to You.” 

Isn’t it amazing how such a seemingly small change in perspective can change the framework of one’s life?

Eight months ago, I moved from Massachusetts back to New Jersey.  My living situation wasn’t too good.  With the stress from my job, the tedium of an hour and twenty minute commute and not being in a church, I wasn’t getting along with my aunt.  I was homesick.  And quite frankly, I was lonely for somewhere to belong. 

When I moved home, I had a few interviews lined up.  One of the interviews was something that I really, really wanted, but, unfortunately, it did not happen.  So, I kept sending out resumes, in bunches, believing that a door would eventually open. 

During this time, God worked in my life, in the deep places of my soul.  I truly believe that He wanted this time for me to get to know Him in a new way, in a deeper trust/faith kind of way.  Though financially frustrated to say the least, I always believed that when the time was right, He would open the door that He wanted me to walk through.

So, a few weeks ago, I had the interview with hte company in Rittenhouse Square.  I love the neighborhood, the vision of the company, the ambition of the company.  The building is beautiful.  But something in me remains unsettled about my decision.  However, I decided to walk through the door because it was the door that had opened.

On Monday, I went in for my “orientation,” and I learned of my many job functions.  Thus far they include ordering office supplies, making coffee every morning, giving interviewees applications and new hires the appropriate paperwork.  I was told I would have a laptop, and I learned on Monday that I would have a desktop.  Which I will have to probably set up on Monday when I arrive to work.  So, again, the unsettledness grew, but, again, because God opened this door, I am walking through it.

Yesterday, though, as I was checking my email, I had the inclination to look through job postings.  I stopped myself, because I have a job, right?  A few minutes later, my phone rang, and I thought it was my pastor.  Instead it was a woman calling about a resume that I had submitted before I accepted my position.  I listened to what she had to say.  She was calling about a marketing assistant position.  The company is located less than 10 miles from my house.  The job would involve interacting with people, coordinating promotions at their 18 locations throughout the tri-state area.  We talked about the job, about me, what I would like to do for over 10 minutes.  So, today I am going on the interview.

I have a really good feeling about this job interview.  I was honest with her and told her that I start a new positon on Monday.  I told her that the job that she described sounds very interesting.  And after I told her these things, she still wants me to come in to talk about the position.

I have to admit that I have been wrestling with this since yesterday.  I don’t want to be unethical.  I want my integrity to remain intact.  But I also want to see all of my options. 

I have one regret professionally.  Two days before I started at Cheng & Tsui in Boston, another publisher called me and offered me an interview.  A big company that anyone in academia would recognize.  I refused the interview because I had a job.  And then my life was a professional hell for the next 7 months.  There were many times that, as I was crying because of being emotionally abused by my boss, that I wondered what would have happened had I taken that interview.

Please note…the men with whom I will be working in Philadelphia (if I do not get this other job) have really sweet spirits.  They love what they are doing.  They are relishing the opportunities that living in the US affords them.  They are really humble people.  So, I am not comparing them with my previous employer. 

However, I cannot live my life in the “what if” mode any more. 

So, we’ll see what happens after this interview. 

Today I received this story in an email.  Some of you will recognize it.  For some reason, this story pierced my heart, so I’ve decided to share it.  I pray that you are blessed by it.

THE SEED

In the Far East the emperor was growing old and knew it was time to choose
his successor. Instead of choosing one of his assistants or his children, he
decided to do something different. He called young people in the kingdom
together one day. He said, “It is time for me to step down and choose the
next emperor. I have decided to choose one of you.”

The children were shocked, but the emperor continued. “I am going to give
each one of you a seed today – one very special seed. I want you to plant
the seed, water it, and come back here one year from today with what you
have grown from this one seed. I will then judge the plants that you bring,
and the one I choose will be the next emperor.”

One boy, named Ling, was there that day and he, like the others, received a
seed. He went home and excitedly, told his mother the story. She helped him
get a pot and planting soil, and he planted the seed and watered it,
carefully. Everyday, he would water it and watch to see if it had grown..
After about three weeks, some of the other youths began to talk about their
seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow. Ling kept checking his
seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by,
still nothing. By now, others were talking about their plants, but Ling
didn’t have a plant and he felt like a failure. Six months went by — still
nothing in Ling’s pot.

He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall
plants, but he had nothing. Ling didn’t say anything to his friends,
however. He just kept waiting for his seed to grow. A year finally went by
and all the youths of the kingdom brought their plants to the emperor for
inspection. Ling told his mother that he wasn’t going to take an empty pot.
But his mother asked him to be honest about what happened.

Ling felt sick at his stomach, but he knew his mother was right. He took his
empty pot to the palace. When Ling arrived, he was amazed at the variety of
plants grown by the other youths. They were beautiful — in all shapes and
sizes. Ling put his empty pot on the floor and many of the other children
laughed at him. A few felt sorry for him and just said, “Hey, nice try.”

When the emperor arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted the young people.
Ling just tried to hide in the back. “My, what great plants, trees, and
flowers you have grown,” said the emperor. “Today one of you will be
appointed the next emperor!”

All of a sudden, the emperor spotted Ling at the back of the room with his
empty pot. He ordered his guards to bring him to the front. Ling was
terrified. He thought, “The emperor knows I’m a failure! Maybe he will have
me killed!”

When Ling got to the front, the Emperor asked his name. “My name is Ling,”
he replied. All the kids were laughing and making fun of him. The emperor
asked everyone to quiet down. He looked at Ling, and then announced to the
crowd, “Behold your new emperor! His name is Ling!”

Ling couldn’t believe it. Ling couldn’t even grow his seed. How could he be
the new emperor?

Then the emperor said, “One year ago today, I gave everyone here a seed. I
told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me
today. But I gave you all boiled seeds that would not grow. All of you,
except Ling, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found
that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I
gave you. Ling was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a
pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he Is the one who will be the new
emperor!”If you plant honesty, you will reap trust. If you plant goodness, you will
reap friends. If you plant humility, you will reap greatness. If you plant
perseverance, you will reap victory. If you plant consideration, you will
reap harmony. If you plant hard work, you will reap success. If you plant
forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation. If you plant faith, you will reap
miracles. So be careful what you plant, now; it will determine what you will
reap tomorrow. The seeds you now scatter will make life worse or better for
you or for the ones who will come after you. Someday you will enjoy the
fruits or you will pay for the choices you make.

Two thousand years ago someone else told the same story with fewer words,
“What you sow, so shall you reap”. If you know who said this, nothing else
needs to be said.

– Author Unknown

For the past few days, I’ve been edgy.  Really edgy.  Last night my friend Colleen and I went to dinner, and afterward, we sat in the car, unable to put into words the palpable tension we were experiencing.

 There are some tensions that simply are deeper and more complex than words can aptly define.  The closest thing to describing the experience is that something had shifted…if we were chess pieces and God chess player, our pieces were moved to a new spot, closer to the battlefield.  But we did not know our exact location.  We did not know where we were moved.

Last night, I occupied my mind with Walk the Line.  My favorite line in the movie (which has probably been referenced a million times since the movie was released) was when Johnny Cash was discussing with his agent his desire to sing at Folsom prison.  His agent said that the majority of his fans were Christians who didn’t want to hear someome encouraging inmates.  Johnny Cash then said,

Well, they ain’t Christians, then, are they?

Let it appears I digress, allow me to continue.  Today in church, Pastor John began a sermon series entitled, “Saved to Stand.”His sermon drew from James 2 where the scripture says that faith without works is dead.  As he began preaching, the tension that had plagued me was diffused.

You see, God has reawakened a desire to get my hands dirty in ministry.  I mean sweeping streets, wiping tears, digging ditches, building relationships with the overlooked and marginalized.  That is part of the reason that I am so excited to work in the city.  There are so many people of all sizes, shapes, and socioeconomic levels.  The homeless man who wears a second-hand army jackets needs to know and be shown the love of Christ just as much as the high level executive in his Armani suit.  Sure, I’ll have to pay Philadelphia city-wage tax, but I’ll have thousands of opportunities on a daily basis to be the salt and the light of which Jesus speaks in the gospel of John.

My pastor threw down a gauntlet today.  My prayer is that our congregation steps up to the plate.  Last night and this morning, I was awaiting a challenge.  Today, I accept it.