i was MADE for this

A question was asked today on Anne Jackson’s blog…would you die for someone’s freedom?  My answer to this question is, I believe, the root of my unsettledness.  

I remember being seven years old, sitting on the olive green wool rug in my room when I first had a dream of being a missionary.  I’ve had conversation after conversation with numerous people about this dream.  I was told that I should go to nursing school so that I’d have a reason to be on the mission field.  I’ve been told that I should teach English abroad.  I’m not a huge fan of…the *stuff* that is involved in nursing, so that advice went in one ear and out the other.  I love to write…but teaching English really isn’t something that I’ve ever been passionate about.

Recently, my awareness of the gross injustice of human trafficking, the sex trade and child slavery has become acute.   Until the past three weeks or so, I didn’t know that there was so much information.  I didn’t know the enormity of the situation.  Frankly, I didn’t think that I could do anything.

Today, though, when I read Anne’s blog, God reminded me of one of the first scriptures that was seared into my heart.  Isaiah 61:1 says:

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, 
       because the LORD has anointed me 
       to preach good news to the poor. 
       He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, 
       to proclaim freedom for the captives 
       and release from darkness for the prisoners

That scripture has held me together during the most difficult of times.  Until today, everytime I’ve read it, I feel like my hands are bound, like I’m living my life less than God intended me to live it.  All of a sudden, it made sense.

Another scripture that has held me afloat during the darkest, quietest times is Isaiah 49:5-7

 

5 And now the LORD says— 
       he who formed me in the womb to be his servant 
       to bring Jacob back to him 
       and gather Israel to himself, 
       for I am honored in the eyes of the LORD 
       and my God has been my strength-

 6 he says: 
       “It is too small a thing for you to be my servant 
       to restore the tribes of Jacob 
       and bring back those of Israel I have kept. 
       I will also make you a light for the Gentiles, 
       that you may bring my salvation to the ends of the earth.”

 7 This is what the LORD says— 
       the Redeemer and Holy One of Israel— 
       to him who was despised and abhorred by the nation, 
       to the servant of rulers: 
       “Kings will see you and rise up, 
       princes will see and bow down, 
       because of the LORD, who is faithful, 
       the Holy One of Israel, who has chosen you.”

 

God has chosen me for something rather daunting.  I don’t know exactly where to begin…but I will type away on this laptop about human trafficking and child slavery to raise awareness until God shows me what is next. 

Lord God, let me be your hands, your feet, your servant to the women and children trapped in slavery.

Last night I was talking to one of my friends who is chasing her dream out in California.  She’s made some of the toughest decisions of anyone I know to get out there and stick it out.  To say that I admire her would be the understatement of the world.  She is one of those people who, just by talking to her about the most mundane things, causes some sort of change in my life.

Last night, my friend asked me a question.  Seemed so simple.  “Deneen, where do you want to be?”  I answered, without a second’s hesitation, Philadelphia.  Yeah.  I know.  Who would’ve thought?  Then we were talking about how so many of our friends are all strategically placed in California, living out their dreams.  I found myself saying, “You know what my dream is?  For all of your (all of my friends) dreams to come true.  For me, that would be my dream come true.”

I’ve been called a pillar, a backbone, superglue so many times throughout my life, and each time I laugh out loud.  I fight being those things.  They’re messy, dirty, thankless jobs.  It turns out that John Gamble, my high school principal, had it right when he gave me the “Unsung Hero” award when I was a senior. 

I don’t know where this is going to take me…but it’s the start of something.  City of Brotherly Love–watch out.  Looks like I’m here for a while.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the church.  I love the church.  After all, it is the Bride of Christ, right?  Theoretically it is supposed to be. 

I’ve worked for a few companies over the years.  In general, when there is something going awry in a company, a team of people examine what is not working and try to figure out how to make it work better.  In the business world, the goal is to create new business, many times by snatching customers from competitors.  I currently work for a dental implant company, and our CEO is obsessed with trying to snatch customers from our largest competitors.  We come up with a marketing plan, an aggressive pricing stucture, and we equip our sales reps to take over the world.  Theoretically, our great plans work and we make headway and one day, we’re the #1 company in the world. 

So, there is a problem in the church of America today.  The church is losing people.  Lots of people are leaving.  So, what are we doing to fix the leak?

I am one of those people.  I love God with my whole heart.  I love the church with my whole heart.  But when I’ve walked into churches recently, I just don’t feel connected.  To God.  Weird, right, considering that the church is where people are supposed to go to commune with God?  I know I’m not the only person with this issue. 

So, if I love God and I walk into a church and don’t feel connected to God, how must those who don’t yet love God feel when they walk into a church?

There are churches that are growing, and I think that is AWESOME.  I want to see the church grow in number daily-like the book of Acts growing in number daily.  But–if you take a close look at the growth of those churches, how many of those people have been saved from the pits of hell, and how many have left one church to attend another church? 

You see, despite all of the business models that are being applied to the church at large, the church cannot be run exactly like a business.  I love the branding that is prevalent in the church.  People love series because they have a beginning and an ending point.  I love vibrant worship.  People have short attention spans and need to be entertained somewhat.  Churches shouldn’t be snatching people from other churches.  The church’s job is to snatch people from the grubby paws of Satan

Studies (that I cannot cite because I don’t have the sources at my fingertips) show that people today consider themselves more “spiritual” than ever.  But the US is known as post-Christian.  What?  If people are more spiritual, how are we in a “post-Christian” era? 

What I am trying to say is that there is something broken in the church.  I don’t all of have the answers.  There is only One who does. 

I’m not trying to be one of those people who points out the problems without looking for a solution.  If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.  I love the church, and I want the church to be successful.  I’ve read the end of the Book.  I know that we win. 

The question that I pose is this:  How are you being a part of the solution? 

Today I was walking back from lunch with a friend, and she asked me a question that stunned me.  “Deneen, what do pastors do?”  Wow.  How does one answer that question?  Seriously. 

We were talking about school.  I was really excited that I was able to complete my “financial check-in” yesterday.  I’m one of those people that likes to have all of that stuff done early.

Anyway–somehow I got to talking about going to seminary to be a pastor, and she asked the question.  I had trouble answering the question.  Not because I don’t know what pastors do.  It’s just that there are so many things that pastors do that it is difficult to answer succinctly.

So, I said, “Well, they do weddings and funerals.  They counsel people..you know, like before they get married.  The lead people to grow in their faith…blah blah blah.”  (I didn’t say the blah blah blah part.)  I kind of went on and on and on. 

Then she asked me, “Well, what do you want to do?“  I tried to answer the question, succinctly again, but rambled and rambled and rambled. 

But…the question rings in my ears. 

I want to teach.  I want to preach.  I want to plant churches, grow leaders and watch what God does with willing hearts.  I want to travel around the world, getting to know the heart of the Father by serving His people.  I want to write books.  I want to do so many things.  The thing that I desire most in the world is to know the Father’s heart.  I want my heart to beat in time with His.  I want my breathing pattern to match His.  I want my eyes to see as His eyes see.  I want my ears to hear the voice of God, even in the midst of the static noice of my day.

So, next week a group of firends are getting together to do a Bible study.  Nothing formal.  Just grabbing a cup of joe, pulling up a Bible and seeing what God is doing in our lives.

Baby steps, Bob.  Baby steps.

I’m going to write something of substance today.  But while you’re waiting for my time to catch up with my brain, read this post by Tony Morgan.  It’s…yeah.  Just go over and read it.

I don’t know where to begin in trying to describe this weekend.

Whirlwind.
Busy.
Exhausting.
Exhilarating.

I think my favorite part of my 9-5 is our Saturday training sessions with the dentists.  I love being in a classroom environment.  I love learning.  I love being around people who are ambitious and who want to make themselves and ultimately the lives of others (their patients in this case) better.  I love that God has allowed me to be a part of this, and that He uses me to allow our training to run. Sure–on Friday afternoon as I was carrying stacks of papers through August-like humidity, I wasn’t the happiest person in the world.  But the end result…I love it.

Saturday night was great–dreaming, organizing.  I love to cast vision…I love to dream big dreams with friends.  What excites me is that the dreams that we discussed may just come true one day. 

Sunday.  Where to begin?  Tropical Storm Barry held off his hand until 3PMish…which was a blessing.  I have to brag on my church.  I spent a couple of hours trying to put people into places where they could serve.  Honestly, walking in, we had a lot of people and a lot of places to serve.  But God opened the door for nearly everyone…all 45 of us…to be free.  I had a group of ladies handing out food to the elderly.  I had a group of gentlemen “monitoring” a fishing contest.  I had a couple of people hanging out with kids on those big, bouncy things.  But then…I had an army of people being the church.  Popcorn was popped and walked around the picnic.  We didn’t wait for people to come to us.  We went to the people.  We gave out loads of popcorn.  Our popcorn poppers were covered in that yellow film…if you’ve ever worked a popcorn machine, you know what I’m talking about.  Nearly everyone had a smile on their face.  We ate.  We kibbitzed.  We had a blast.

I have to admit to you.  At about 11AM, I was freaking out, thinking about everything that had to be done.  At 11:45 I was wondering who killed chivarly as I walked past groups of men loitering as Colleen and I carried the popcorn maker to it’s home for a few hours.  But by 12:30PM, I was amazed by the people that God has placed in this church in this community.  And I was humbled that He allowed me to be a part of this thing.

I learned much about myself this weekend.  I pushed myself physically to the limits.  I think I pushed myself spiritually to the limits.  But I know more of who I am today than I did yesterday.  I have my glitches, but all in all, I am beginning to see the woman that God has told me I am for the past 24 years.  I am beginning to believe, with His help, that all things are truly possible.

I could write so much more.  But I won’t.  I think that this week I will combine the fruit of the Spirit stuff God started with lessons from this weekend.

Stay tuned.

And…go make someone’s day.  Be the man or woman that God created you to be.  Nothing more and nothing less.

Yesterday I posed the question, for what do I (we) stand?

Today, I have some answers. 

I stand for those things that the scriptures tell me I am supposed to stand.  I stand, first of all, for the name, the person of Jesus Christ.  He is the way, the truth and the life.  Point blank period.  I stand for those things that He stood for, such as the release of the captives, the healing of the sick and the confounding of the religious.

I stand, solidly believing that our community can be reached with the gospel.  Sure, the people of our township do not think that they need anything.  They think that their lives are just fine.  (Or do they?)  This is not an excuse for inaction.  There are churches not only surviving, but thriving and growing in some of the darkest, hardest, most self-sufficient areas of our country. 

Look at Washington, DC.  About 4 churches come to mind in the DC metro area that are growing, impacting people’s lives for Christ.  DC is the heart of our country–you know, where most of the powerful people in our country and our world have their offices.  Yet churches are impacting that area for Christ.

Look at NYC.  I heard recently of a church there whose vision is to reach every metropolitan area–ok, not every, only the largest metropolitan areas in the world.  I know a few New Yorkers.  For the most part, they think they are the center of the world.  Yet there are churches sprouting up in NYC.

Look at Los Angeles.  I’d say that Mosaic is making a bit of an impact on what I perceive to be the darkest area of our country.  Not to mention the 10 other churches I could name on the fly who are rocking the west coast.

Even Boston, only a few miles from where the Mayflower landed and religion permeated our soil, a few miles from where the Salem Witch trials occured.  Even Boston has a move of God going on.  One church that I know of opened its doors with over 400 people.  If you’ve ever visited or lived in Boston, you know that is a miraculous move of God.

Please do not read this and think, “Oh, that Deneen.  She’s all about numbers.  She doesn’t care about the depth of the change.”  Puhlease.  Been there, done that, got the t-shirt friends.  I write these things because they challenge me and my way of thinking.  If God can move in these places, he can move anywhere.

God has placed me in South Jersey for this season of my life.  Again.  My personal nightmare.  I have to believe that with the faith of a mustard seed, that God can move mountains.  If I don’t believe that, I have to believe that God has a wicked sense of humor.  I don’t want to be in the belly of a fish, hanging out with nastiness to get that faith. 

I know that God has placed me on earth to release the captives, to heal the sick, to speak life to the dead, to do greater things than Jesus did while He was on earth.  Because my Bible tells me so.  So, I have to believe that He wants to move in South Jersey. 

Are you with me?

Today was an excellent day.  I love watching God move…in the lives of my friends, family, acquaintances and people that I’ve just met.  When good things happen, I know that God is blessing people.  When bad things happen, I can see that God is tearing down one thing to build up another thing.  One thing that I know is that God does not become more sovereign when I am blessed, nor does He lose one ounce of His sovereignty when it looks like life is falling apart.

Don’t know why I stepped onto that soap box, but there you have it.

Back to the excellent day.  I had a really chill day.  Mom and I went to breakfast.  Man, was I craving breakfast food.  I had it all, too–eggs, sausage, pancakes, diner coffee.  Yum.  Then I went and got my hair done and my eyebrows waxed.  There is something so reassuring when you walk into the salon, feeling a little less than on top of your game, about knowing that you will walk out on top of your game.  Maybe it’s a chick thing. 

But–that is how I feel whenever I spend time in the presence of God.  I walk in, knowing that in and of myself and my actions, I am not worthy of God’s time.  But, because of the work that Christ did on the cross, giving of His life for mine, I can walk into the presence of God boldly, knowing that He will smile, speak in a still quiet voice to the deep places in my soul, and I will walk away with a new bounce in my step, knowing God a little more and knowing myself a little more.

I wish I were the friend who could tell you what you want to hear.  I wish I were the person who could tell you, and fully believe, that tomorrow, when you wake up, everything will be better.  But God has not given me the gift of tickling your ears, of telling you what you want to hear.  I understand that my responsibility is to guide you through the tough times, the desert experiences, the wasteland experiences.  I am the friend who tells you the hard things, in love, so that you can grow from the experience.  If you want your ears tickled, you should probably lose my number.

Today I received a heart-wrenching text message and email.  I wanted to call my friend and tell her that the sun will come out, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there’ll be sun.  I wanted to tell her that everything’s gonna be alright.  The fact of the matter is that God is in control, and I don’t know why He’s teaching her the tough lessons.  I don’t know how long the tough lessons will last.  What I do know is that He is forging her character, preparing her for something that is so much bigger than her circumstances.  I know that God is not surprised at her circumstances.  I know that He is in control.  Now I sound like a broken record.

There are days that I want to cry out to God, “Why me?”  Sometimes I wonder why He allows some people to live to one standard while He holds me to a different standard.  Then He reminds me that I am not those people, and that our relationship is not their relationship.  He reminds me that I was put on this planet to change the world, not to be comfortable or to settle for momentary gratification.  He reminds me that to whom much is given, much is required.  He reminds me that I have submitted my life to Him, and that I have given Him permission to do with me as He wants.  So that means that I cannot jump from boyfriend to boyfriend.  That means that I have to keep Him in the forefront of my mind in EVERYTHING I do, be it stuffing envelopes for a coworker or preaching the gospel to 100,000 people in a stadium.  I have to be the same person on the bus or in church. 

So there you have it.  Deep spiritual insights. 

Sometimes I wonder if God laughs with me or at me when I take a step back and look at my thought processes.

Deneen, I want you to be a voice in the church.  God, do you realize that I’m only 31 years old?  Yes, Deneen.  I’m God.  Got that covered.  God, do you remember what I did?  Honestly, Deneen, I don’t.  When you confessed your sin and repented, it went into the sea of forgetfulness.  You are the one who remember it.  When will you forgive you?  Ouch.

God, do you realize that I’m still single?  Yes, Deneen.  God, you do realize that I’m already 31 years old, right?  Yes, Deneen.  I do.  I’m God.  Got that covered.

Why is it that when a task seems daunting, I feel like I’m 5 and not allowed to cross the street unassisted?  Why is it that when it is something that I am waiting for, I feel ancient?

God is challenging me in a few areas of my life right now. 

Vocationally, it looks like I’m on a rabbit trail that lead away from the place that I believe God wants me to go.  Talking it out today over lunch, I realized that there are some skills that have to be developed in me that I can only learn on this “rabbit trail.” 

Financially, God is challenging me to give more than is comfortable.  I made all sorts of promises to Him when I was looking for a job, and now He’s calling me on those things.  I have too many excuses about why I should not follow through on my promises.  What is aggravating is that He then says to me, “Don’t you trust Me?”  Ouch. 

Spiritually God is challenging me on a few things too.  He’s reminding me of things that He placed in my heart a long time ago.  Whenever I forget, He gently reminds me.  If you are passionate about Me as you have claimed, then you should be doing the things that I’ve asked you to do without question.  Ouch.