i was MADE for this

Can I say something?  I’ve been a hurting, judgmental jerk.  For I don’t know.  About 2 years or so?

This morning I got up, and all I wanted to do was spend some time with God…read the scriptures in Acts, worship Him.  A few songs have been going through my mind recently, so I went to the handy iTunes store and purchased a few songs.  Three of the songs I bought were from Hillsong United More Than Life.  I plugged myself into my iPod, began reading Acts,  and I found myself having trouble breathing, having trouble sitting down, having trouble standing.  I was completely overcome by the Holy Spirit.

The cynical, jaded part of me immediately concluded that I wanted to jump up and down because that was scripted for me in my previous church.  It is what scared me off from a wonderfully warm and inviting church in MA.  But then I heard the Holy Spirit say to me, “Deneen.  Have you taken the time to consider that jumping to music that glorifies Me, jumping in specific moments in a song, is not so much scripted as it is people being overcome with passion for Me?  Did you jump because it was scripted, or did you jump because you love Me with everything inside of you?”

I have harbored bitterness in my heart toward so many people, toward churches, toward songs that has been eating away at me like a cancer.  Lord, forgive my bitterness.  Lord, forgive me for being a judgmental pharisee.  Lord, I ask you to replace that bitterness with love, with a passion for your people, with a passion for those people against whom I’ve held so much.  Lord, thank you for lancing the boil that has encased my heart.  I pray, God, that you would bless those who I’ve hurt by holding onto this crap.  And God, I pray that you would give me the strength, the courage, the integrity to reach out to those people.  You know who they are, Lord.  Bless them God abundantly.  For what they’ve spoken into my life, for the lessons I’ve learned from them.  Bless them, God, because they are Your children and because You love them.  Amen.

My spirit longs for mission.  My heart longs to be a part of something bigger than myself. 

I want to sit in a room with the brightest minds of Christianity, of business, of industry.  I want to be challenged by people who believe that they can change the world.  I want to be challenged by people who are changing the world.

I know that God is up to something, but I feel my spiritual muscle atrophying (if that is a verb) and I don’t like it.

Over the past few days, as I’ve been reading the scriptures, everything is about action.  Following Christ is not an adjective; it is a verb.  I want my hands to get dirty by helping those in need, those who do not know the love of Christ.  My heart aches and my spirit comes alive when I am around the dying, the lost, the unlovable.  Around complacency, I feel a fire that will consume anything that does not stand for something.

I don’t know if I make sense as I type through tear-stained eyes.  All I know is that I am not satisfied right now.  And somehow, I feel that God is not satisfied right now. 

Lord, I await my marching orders as I go about doing what it is that you have called me to do right now.  Please give me the strength to continue walking forward.  I know that you are building character.  And I also know that I should buy stock in whatever company produces Puffs tissues.

It looks like I’m gonna be taking classes this fall.  For real.  For seminary.  Liberty University DLP MDiv.  Lotsa letters.  I honestly have no idea how this is going to work.  It looks like, starting in September (you know, when classes get into full swing…) I’ll be working just about every Saturday.  So I guess I’ll be doing my reading and writing…sometime.

I am usually the person who hands things in (not necessarily school work, but work-work and ministry-work) ahead of schedule.  I had two things that I had to do for church in the past week, and I was either a week past my deadline or right down to the wire.  I don’t like that.  I am going to have to learn to manage my time better, or things could get complicated.

Today I asked (told) my boss that I would really like the opportunity to work full time on our training center(s) when that position becomes available.  I love working with our faculty and with the trainee doctors.  Of course I have to learn more about our products, but that should be no problem.  It could be a very busy position (which would be amazing) that could involve quite a bit of travel (hopefully.)

Stuff is happening on just about every front of my life. 

One more thing, then I have to unwind.  I have to make sure that I don’t go into my default “fix” mode.  I am a problem solver.  If I see something that is broken, I want to fix it.  This pertains to actual objects, situations, people.  I cannot fix people.  Only God can do that.  I don’t want to force a caterpillar out of its coccoon prematurely.  I want to allow God to do the work that He has deigned to do. 

Yesterday’s training was a success by all accounts.  We have 15 doctors who are a part of our training.  They are a great group.  I am looking forward to getting to know them over the next few months.

Church today…all I can say is that I serve an AWESOME God.  Seriously.  The stuff that God has been burning out of me, the stuff that He’s been placing into me…it all made more sense today than it did yesterday.  Hopefully tomorrow it will be more clear than today. 

For so long, I’ve thought that it was to me detriment that I really don’t believe what people say about me.  If you tell me I’m awesome, I chuckle, knowing that I’m not.  If you tell me that I’m crap, I chuckle, knowing I’m not.  Today, I understand my suspended state of disbelief at my press.  I’m not making sense?  Read on.

I cannot apologize for the grace of God.  I cannot apologize for the favor of God.  I cannot complain at the unfairness of life.  I cannot love God less for the tough times or more for the good times.  I have done nothing to deserve anything in my life.  I did not ask to be born.  I did not ask for God to love me.  I did not ask Jesus to die on the cross for me.  I did not ask the Holy Spirit to be willing to work with a knucklehead like me.  I did not ask God for the gifts and talents that He has given me.

Any good thing that someone sees in me is not me.  It is a reflection of Christ in me.  How then can I boast in the good things?  And, because those good things are from God, how can I then apologize for them?  Let’s be honest.  I have done everything humanly possible to mess up my life.  If I were to receive what I deserve, I would be burning in hell right now, dying of some disease, all alone with noone in my life, penniless, on the streets.  But, by the grace of God, I am alive, healthy, surrounded by people who love me.

So, say all the good stuff that you want.  I probably won’t believe you, because I know what I think most of the day.  Say all of the bad stuff you want.  I know that it is not necessarily a reflection of you or me.

Today, let the joy of the Lord be your strength.  Go forth, and make someone smile.  Just because.

This morning, I woke up and I was fah-reaking out.  I realized, in an instant, that I have, once again, fallen into the trap of finding my identity not in Christ but in the things that I do.  Like work.  Like ministry.  Like being an aunt.  Like being a sister.  Like being a daughter.  I am talking about a serious identity crisis here. 

On my way into work, I plugged myself into my ipod, and listened to some Catalyst podcasts.  They re-ran an interview from a few years back with Bill Bright.  Oh my goodness…talk about God’s timing.  He said in the interview that he would tell people that they had not lost their first love, they had left their first love.  I was literally in the same spot on Market Street, in Philadelphia, as when God spoke this post.  Ouch again.  Some things that he said really made me reevaluate where I am.  Chew on these things.

• Bill Bright was 32 when he started Campus Crusade for Christ
• Bill Bright and his wife signed a contract to be slaves for Jesus Christ
• He refused to take credit when people complimented him because slaves are undeserving of credit.
• When problems arose, he would tell God, “Looks like You’ve got a problem here.”

That’ll put things into perspective for you, eh?

I also read Perry Noble’s blog this morning and was given some fresh perspective.  Apparently he was criticized for being too honest from the pulpit, and was told that he had to give his congregation someone to look up to.  This is his response:

I do give them someone to look up to…His name is Jesus.  If they look up to me all their lives then they will spend eternity in hell–and I just don’t care about looking good in people’s eyes to carry that weight into eternity.

That my friends changed my perspective. 

I find that when I have those moments of identifying with the doing and not the being, it is because my focus has turned in, toward my navel rather than toward Jesus and all of His magnificence.

The fact of the matter is this.  The work will get finished.  Thinking about it and talking about it outside of work will do nothing to help me accomplish what I cannot do at that moment.  What is limited is my time on earth.  The only thing that I can do here that I cannot do when I get to heaven is show people the love of Christ.  In order to show people Christ, I must spend time in HIS PRESENCE so that I can be immersed in Him.  I want more of Him in my life and less of me.

Let’s be honest.  In 30 years time, will anyone remember that I printed 30 kits for a training class?  Or will someone remember that woman who showed them the love of Jesus for the first time? 

I want my footsteps, my life to ring into eternity. 

Am I fah-reaking out anymore?  Nah.  Leave that to other people, who love stress.  As for me and my house, we’re gonna serve the Lord.

This year I enjoyed mother’s day.  No, I’m not a mother, but I enjoyed being in the presence of the women who are the matriarchs of my family.  We went to dinner on Saturday night and we spent the afternoon together yesterday.  I have to give glory to God, because He has healed wounds, deep wounds, within my heart pertaining to my grandmother.  I was able to walk into her house with an open heart, spend a great deal of time with her, and not walk away wounded.  It is true that scar tissue heals stronger than the original tissue. 

Did I mention that my church gave out awesome Mother’s Day gifts?  I love pineapple.  I love hand lotion.  I love pineapple hand lotion

I am thankful that I serve such a loving, wonderful God.  Right now, I am standing in the middle of an eddy, life swirling in every which direction, barely able, on my own to tell which way is up, and somehow I know that God is in control.  I don’t feel the need to grab the reins of my life.  I am not grasping for the proverbial straws.  I am standing.  Standing on a Rock.

I know that there is something brewing.  Right now I wish it were a pot of Starbucks coffee, ’cause I’m tired.  But I sense some kind of movement on the horizon.  And I hear a rumbling.  It will be interesting to see what occurs over the next month or so.

Well, I have to stop typing.  Pray that the HP lady actually helps me today or I may….I may sigh and call back tomorrow.

And for those who were worried.  My lost co-worker is rumored to be in the US.  Perhaps tomorrow I’ll see for myself.

I crack myself up.

I’ve been very punchy lately.  Seriously so.  I can’t seem to find a comfort zone.  I can’t find that comfort in my own skin.  It’s not that I’m not content where I am.  But I’m not content where I am.

So today, as I was walking down Market Street, among the high rises, I asked God why I can’t seem to find peace, to be in a peaceful place.  “Deneen, you’ve forgotten your first love.” 

Ouch. 

I need to worship like David did…become undignified for the Lord.  I need to love like Jesus did, taking off my cloak and washing the feet of the people.  I need to be who God called me to be, not who God called others to be.  I need to be a fisher of men, not a pleaser of men.  In short, I need to return to my first love.

How did I, again, find myself in a place where my first love is sitting in a corner gathering dust?  The daily grind, the busy-ness of life, majoring in the minors.  

So, I humbly ask God to forgive me of forsaking my first love. 

And I thank God that He will not allow me to be comfortable, to be content when I am forsaking my first love.  If the day comes when I am comfortable being anywhere outside of where God wants me, I pray that He takes me home to be with Him.

This morning I came to a conclusion.  I love my life.  I really do.  I work in a great city.  Today was an especially difficult day.  I had to walk 10 blocks in the sunshine and cool air to visit two doctors that I really like.  It’s a tough life, but someone’s gotta live it.

Then on the way back to the office, I had my choice of about, I don’t know, 30 restaurants for lunch, representing just about every ethnicity that I can imagine.  I had Korean food, since my Korean co-workers refuse to take me to eat real Korean food.  I liked the food…good stuff.  I had a sizzling bowl of rice, veggies and tofu.  Did I mention the kimchi on the side.  OHMYGOODNESS.  Good stuff.

Then I stopped by a tea house for a tea to help me suffer through the rest of my day.

The office was quiet, basically all day, so I had plenty of time to marvel at what a wonderful God it is that I serve.  Sure, I don’t know the “why’s” of working for the company that I do, but I do know that He’s given me almost everything I’ve asked for.  I love working in the city; I love serving His bride; I love spending time with the most beautiful, wonderful Savior; I love that the Holy Spirit is my Comforter, my Helper; I love that God loved humanity so much that He made a plan to send His Son when Adam and Eve messed it up for the rest of us.

Maybe it’s the sunshine and the warm temperatures.  Maybe it’s a heart change.  Maybe it’s bunches of people praying for me.  I don’t know what it is, but I’m having a love fest with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  I thank God every morning that I wake up.  I thank God for so many different things.  Even in the worst of times, I have it better than those who do not know Christ have it in the best of times.

Hello 21st Century.  Glad to meet you!

This weekend I gave into my desire.  I bought myself an iPod nano.  It’s a beautiful thing.  Seriously.  I love it.  I spend about 3 hours per day “commuting,” if you include walking back and forth to the bus and train and actual time in the train and the bus.  Now I can use my time wisely by listening to podcasts, teachings, worship music. 

Today I came undone.  I felt like someone took a seam ripper to my soul and went to town.  I don’t know if all the kings horses and all the kings men put me together again, but I don’t feel quite as…a pile of rubble.  There is just something that happens when you fall to your knees in worship.  I felt as if I were at the feet of Jesus, with my head resting on His legs.  When I sat down in my seat, I felt his heartbeat and smelled Him.  How can one not come undone with in the presence of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords?

I have to take some time, sit down, and write some things out.  I have to write out the scriptures He’s given me, the words that I’ve received and start to make some sense out of this thing that I call my life.  I use the term “my” lightly, because I am aware that my life is not mine.  I signed my life away to God a long time ago. 

Tonight at our small group, our conversation wandered to the martyrs and what their legacy and their last words were as they were martyred.  When I think about the martyrs–ancient and recent–I think about people who are “all in” when it comes to their faith.  When I die, I want that to be said of me.  “The one thing that I know about Deneen is that she loved God with her whole heart, with her whole being, with absolutely everything that she had.” 

Oh yeah.  My blog was the “blog of the minute” for a minute on wordpress.  Kinda weird, eh?

 Today was a great day.  High 70’s.  Sun shining.  People out in droves.  I love working in the city.  I love that I work a few blocks away from Rittenhouse Square.  I love sushi in the park. 

Today a question was posed to me that I could not answer.  Ironic considering who I am.  The question:  If you could live in any city, knowing that you have a job and the money to move there, where would you move?  My problem is that there are many, many cities in which I would love to live.  I would love to live in Washington, DC to have the opportunity to worship in and serve in NCC under Mark Batterson and his team.  I would love to live in Atlanta for so many reasons:  to meet Mr. & Mrs. Chill, to be in close proximity to INJOY & the guys at Catalyst, to go to and learn from Andy Stanley & his church.  I would love to live in Dallas so that I could get to TD Jake’s church (and to be in the city of my beloved Cowboys.)  I would love to move to Boston ’cause I hear about so many things that God is doing there, and because it is one of the most wonderful cities in the country.  I would love to live in LA to be close to my friends and to hang out in Mosaic for a while and learn from Erwin McManus.  I would even love to live in OK for a while so that I could learn from the guys at Lifechurch.  How do you explain that to the managing director of your company?  (For the record, I did not mention Philadelphia because I already live here.)

I guess the short answer to the question is this:  I want to be wherever God is.  God is omnipresent, so I can be happy anywhere.  As long as I have my own bed, some pots and pans and a computer.  And a phone.  Oh yeah, and my Bible.  But that was understood, right?