It seems that almost daily I get comments on a blog I wrote a lifetime ago when I knew what I wanted out of life. It was a time that I was hopeful and faithful and full of everything that I would like to be a testimony of my life.
Then I walked away from church. I walked away from most of the people in my life. I turned my back on who God called me to be. I was afraid. I was hurt. I was so much inside of my own head that I didn’t realize how my actions affected other people.
Today I sit here on a Sunday morning in my pajamas and on my bed, realizing I haven’t regularly darkened the doorway of a church in over two years. Part of me misses the gathering of the brethren. Part of me misses worshiping within a congregation. A voice inside me asks if I will ever be able to fulfill the call God placed on my life so many years ago if I continue in my current state.
Is it I who is broken, or is it the institution of the church? I have a friend who is Catholic, and he made a great point. There is one Catholic church and tens of thousands of Protestant churches. If Catholicism is so wrong, why can’t Protestants get it together and worship in unity? Please don’t misunderstand me. I will not be converting to Catholicism, but I think it is a valid question.
I am at a crossroads trying to discern what my course of action will be. I cannot continue slogging along in the manner I’ve been for a while, yet I cannot find it within me to join a church that is more concerned with a body count than with actually teaching people the tools needed to survive the spiritual battle in which we are dead center. I’d rather spend my time watching Hollywood than going to a church with a pastor who is little more than a snake oil salesperson, telling his congregants that if you do A, B and C then God will love you and bless you.