Everyday I made made more aware of the fact that my heart has to be cleansed…I need to learn to respond in love. I have to remember that hurting people hurt people. Today my heart aches for so many families that I’ve never met whose lives have been destroyed by hate. My nephew is graduating from high school tonight. How many kids are robbed of that pricelege? Today, I am excited for the class of 2015 but my heart aches for those whose lives were cut short and unable to hear their names announced.

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Lessons in peace

In the depth of who I am you’ll find a caretaker…someone whose deepest desire is to heal hurts and protect those I love from hurts and disappointments. When I am unable to do that, I feel helpless. I know I’m not Jesus. Moments like this make me all the more aware of how He must feel on a daily basis.

Last night, I ran into a situation wherein someone I care about was deeply disappointed. I had no idea how to comfort him, and it caused me to be very restless. However, I know the One who is more than able to be his comfort. As I prayed for his peace, God gave me peace as well.

May today be a day in which we rest in the One who is the author of our peace…and may we bring those around us peace.

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All things new

I’m all nestled into my new apartment. I moved from Bella Vista/Hawthorne to Point Breeze. So far, I have found this neighborhood to be much more friendly and welcoming. Walking down the street, people are eager to engage, share a smile. My new neighborhood certainly fits my personality a lot better than my last. I’m thankful that God led me here because of a bright green kitchen.

For years, I’ve been talking about writing. I love writing. I’ve met a lot of wonderful people through this blog. It is officially time to start putting words to paper. I know I’ve got a story to add to the dialogue that is life. I’m in the beginning stages of freelancing. This week, I’m sitting down, setting goals and making a task list to meet those goals.

I started a page on Facebook. You can check it out here:  https://www.facebook.com/iwasmadeforthis. My page is in the developmental stage, but thus far I’ve enjoyed the interaction.

What’s new in your world? Talk to me!

~d

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Happy 2015 plus 13 days

My New Year’s goal for 2015 was to sit down and write consistently. Here it is January 13 and I’m finally get around to it…lol

So I’ve decided that this blog is going to be changed a bit. The main focus in my life right now is getting healthy. Auto – immune disease, adrenal fatigue, and hypothyroidism have been the focus of my attention and research.

I’m going to share research, what is working, what is not, recipes.

It is also time to get my spiritual life on track. I’ve been so focused on the temporal that I’ve been neglecting the eternal.

Along those lines, I’m also going to share things that God shares with me and scriptures that are inspiring me.

Another of my goals was to exercise more…you know, move the body and burn some calories. I’d Iike to run a 5k this spring and perhaps the Philly half in November.

I’m going to start a Facebook page too…I know a lot of my friends don’t appreciate verbosity, so I’ll share my journey in 140 characters or less…oh wait, that’s Twitter…lol

So, here you have it. I hope that you join me on the bumpy journey that is holistic health in 2015.

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Temporal vs eternal

I’m realizing just how much of my focus has been on the temporal versus the eternal. I’ve been in survival mode. I’m trying to keep afloat physically. My health hasn’t been great and the exhaustion has been overwhelming. I’m trying to keep at least my nose above water financially. Those two situations have taken a toll on my emotions. With all of the doggy paddling I’ve been doing, I’ve all but ignored spiritual things.

Last night as I was attempting to sleep, I had a glimpse of how spiritually barren my life has been. We’re talking desert with no oasis in sight, here.

I’m taking a break from worrying. I’m taking a break from the useless things in my life that add no value. I’m taking time to evaluate and rediscover the dream that used to keep me up at night.

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Hello I’m Hashimotos

A friend sent this to me…and I’ve seen in on multiple Hypothyroid/Hashimotos groups. I thought I’d share it here…
 
Hi. My name is Hashimoto’s. I’m an invisible autoimmune disease that attacks your thyroid gland causing you to become hypothyroid. I am now velcroed to you for life. If you have hypothyroidism, you probably have me. I am the number one cause of it in the U.S. and many other places around the world. I’m so sneaky–I don’t always show up in your blood work. Others around you can’t see me or hear me, but YOUR body feels me. I can attack you anywhere and any way I please. I can cause severe pain or, if I’m in a good mood, I can just cause you to ache all over. Remember when you and energy ran around together and had fun? I took energy from you, and gave you exhaustion. Try to have fun now. I can take good sleep from you and in its place, give you brain fog and lack of concentration. I can make you want to sleep 24/7, and I can also cause insomnia. I can make you tremble internally or make you feel cold or hot when everyone else feels normal. I can also give you swollen hands and feet, swollen face and eyelids, swollen everything. I can make you feel very anxious with panic attacks or very depressed. I can also cause other mental health problems. You know crazy mood swings? That’s me. Crying for no reason? Angry for no reason? That’s probably me too. I can make your hair fall out, become dry and brittle, cause acne, cause dry skin, the sky is the limit with me. I can make you gain weight and no matter what you eat or how much you exercise, I can keep that weight on you. I can also make you lose weight. I don’t discriminate. Some of my other autoimmune disease friends often join me, giving you even more to deal with. If you have something planned, or are looking forward to a great day, I can take that away from you. You didn’t ask for me. I chose you for various reasons: That virus or viruses you had that you never really recovered from, or that car accident, or maybe it was the years of abuse and trauma (I thrive on stress.) You may have a family history of me. Whatever the cause, I’m here to stay. I hear you’re going to see a doctor to try and get rid of me. That makes me laugh. Just try. You will have to go to many, many doctors until you find one who can help you effectively. You will be put on the wrong medication for you, pain pills, sleeping pills, energy pills, told you are suffering from anxiety or depression, given anti-anxiety pills and antidepressants. There are so many other ways I can make you sick and miserable, the list is endless – that high cholesterol, gall bladder issue, blood pressure issue, blood sugar issue, heart issue among others? That’s probably me. Can’t get pregnant, or have had a miscarriage? That’s probably me too. Shortness of breath or “air hunger?” Yep, probably me. Liver enzymes elevated? Yep, probably me. Teeth and gum problems? TMJ? Hives? Yep, probably me. I told you the list was endless. You may be given a TENs unit, get massaged, told if you just sleep and exercise properly I will go away. You’ll be told to think positively, you’ll be poked, prodded, and MOST OF ALL, not taken seriously when you try to explain to the endless number of doctors you’ve seen, just how debilitating I am and how ill and exhausted you really feel. In all probability you will get a referral from these ‘understanding’ (clueless) doctors, to see a psychiatrist. Your family, friends and co-workers will all listen to you until they just get tired of hearing about how I make you feel, and just how debilitating I can be. Some of them will say things like “Oh, you are just having a bad day” or “Well, remember, you can’t do the things you use to do 20 YEARS ago”, not hearing that you said 20 DAYS ago. They’ll also say things like, “if you just get up and move, get outside and do things, you’ll feel better.” They won’t understand that I take away the ‘gas’ that powers your body and mind to ENABLE you to do those things. Some will start talking behind your back, they’ll call you a hypochondriac, while you slowly feel that you are losing your dignity trying to make them understand, especially if you are in the middle of a conversation with a “normal” person, and can’t remember what you were going to say next. You’ll be told things like, “Oh, my grandmother had that, and she’s fine on her medication” when you desperately want to explain that I don’t impose myself upon everyone in the exact same way, and just because that grandmother is fine on the medication SHE’S taking, doesn’t mean it will work for you. They will not understand that having this disease impacts your body from the top of your head to the tip of your toes, and that every cell and every body system and organ requires the proper amount and the right kind of of thyroid hormone medication for YOU. Not what works for someone else. The only place you will get the kind of support and understanding in dealing with me is with other people that have me. They are really the only ones who can truly understand. I am Hashimoto’s Disease.
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Trapped

There is a person trapped within me. She is full of joy. She is funny. She is intelligent. She is full of life, ready to hop the next plane to help save the world. She is well-spoken. The whole world is her stage, her story waiting to be written. She is confident, borderline arrogant because she KNOWS that she can do whatever she sets her sights on.

This person is being held prisoner by an immune system that has decided to attack her body, by a disease that is killing her thyroid daily. She is trapped by constant pain that would put most people out of commission. She is trapped by exhaustion so deep and thorough that many would have to quit their jobs to endure. She is trapped by a brain that struggles to do the most basic of functions. She is trapped by a loss of memory that many times causes her to stutter, literally incapable of language skills.

Many times, I find myself angry, tired, frustrated and scared. You see, in my mind’s eye I will always be the person trapped inside. I know who I am. When I look in the mirror, I see myself behind the bloated, exhausted,  bleary eyed person who is staring back.

I am fighting this hashimotos thing with everything I have, but there are days that I lose the battle and I have no choice but to wave the white flag of surrender.

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Dating…ugh

So recently I decided to dip my toes in the dating pool. Being nearly 40, it seems like it is time to meet someone. I’m not lonely. I’m an introvert and actually need to recharge my batteries alone. That being said, I would like someone with whom I can share the good and bad things in life.

I met a really great guy. We chatted for 3 months because he lives in MD. He finally came to visit. I was so nervous that I was a sweaty mess…literally had sweat dripping down my face. A few days later, he texted me that he was reconciling with his wife. UM, WHAT? Yeah…didn’t know he wasn’t divorced. Awesome, right?

I could amuse you with stories of another charmer who sent me a picture of his little buddy…use your imagination…or the guy who came to visit with a cooler of refreshments for HIMSELF. Yeah.

The problem that I’m having is that a long time ago, I prayed that God would bring the right man into my life, and that He would crush any other relationships that were not of Him. Be careful what you pray for. The aforementioned married guy seemed perfect for me. He claims to be a Christian. He knows the scripture better than I do. He’s an entrepreneur. But…not the man God has for ME.

I sit here, alone on a Friday night,  thankful that God answers my prayers. This morning, He said clearly to me, “Deneen, do you not remember praying? Why do you not trust me? Have I ever let you down before? Can you trust me with your heart?”

It is not good for man to be alone, but it is horrible to be in a relationship that does not have God at its center. I’d rather die alone than be in a relationship with someone only to be lonely. 

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Heavy heart

I can’t seem to fall asleep tonight. My heart is heavy…so much loss over the past two weeks. So much seems to be on its way to being lost.

I want so badly to be inspiring, to give words of encouragement, of wisdom, but all I feel inside of me is the vast emptiness of broken promises, dead dreams and a sadness that absorbs the little glimmers of hope I’ve had.

I was asked tonight if I am lonely. The answer to that is a resounding no. I am, however, acutely aware that I am alone. If I truly wanted just someone, I could easily have him snoring happily in bed beside me as I wrestle with the thoughts in my head. However, I have chosen to be alone. I’d rather have no one than just someone.

Yesterday at work, I told a patient flippantly, “Ask and you shall receive.” She smiled, grabbed a card and wrote it down. She thanked me heartily. Tonight, I am asking God to lift this heaviness off of my heart, to allow oxygen to flood my lungs, and to turn my mourning into dancing. We walk by faith and not by sight. What I see in ever direction is a bloody train wreck. God sees the end result, not the destruction. Tonight, I ask God to let me see beyond the wreckage…to give me a glimpse of what He sees.

One day I’ll be writing about puppies and rainbows…but tonight is a dark night of the soul. If you read this, please pray. God knows I need and covet the prayers.

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38 has been rough

First, I find out my small little thyroid gland is being attacked by my immune system causing all kinds of exhaustion and other symptoms.

Then, 5 days ago, I woke up in excruciating pain. Three days ago, I was in the ER because of pain. Two days ago, I found myself in a surgeon’s office scheduling a date to have my gall bladder removed.

It was inevitable. I’m one of the few women in my family who has one. But it’s confusing. Up until 5 days ago, I could eat just about anything. I’ve been avoiding gluten due to the thyroid…but everything else was fair game. And now, here I sit, in pain because of mashed potatoes and scallops? Really?

38 has been a health doozey. I can’t wait to be rid of my dysfunctional organ, but I truly can’t wait until my birthday, to say adios to 38.

It could always be worse. My family is healthy. I don’t have a terminal illness. I am a blessed woman over all…just at midnight, on a Friday, I’d much prefer to be sleeping instead of killing time until my gall bladder chills out and we can sleep.

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