The hem of Your garment

One of the stories of the Bible that never ceases to amaze me is the woman with the issue of blood. She goes to see Jesus with the faith that if she can touch the fringe of his garment that she will be healed (Mark 5).

How many of us possess such faith? I had a terrible sinus infection last week. I had faith in Augmentin and albuterol, but not to reach out and touch the hem of my Savior’s garment for healing.

Lord, forgive my unbelief. 

Posted in random | 1 Comment

YOU are my Rock

Today I got news that was a one-two punch to the gut. It literally brought me to my knees, knocked the wind out of my lungs and made my eyes explode with water. To be completely honest, my knee jerk reaction was to reach for a wine glass.

Instead of numbing the pain, I turned on some worship music and got on my knees and wept. I allowed God to touch me, and suddenly, angst was replaced by peace.

I felt like Peter sitting by the fire after he had denied Jesus three times.  Jesus walked up to Peter, and I imagine Peter being ashamed, bereft, not feeling worthy of Jesus paying him any mind. Jesus, however, asked Peter three times if he loved him. Do you agape me, Peter? Do you agape me, Peter? Do you phileo me, Peter? Jesus met Peter where he was, and that is what Jesus did to me today. My life feels like a complete train wreck. I feel like a complete failure. Yet Jesus met me in my blubbering mess, wiped my tears, and asked me to stand up.

Please keep my family in your prayers. Please keep me in your prayers. Be encouraged. Jesus will meet you by the fire, wherever you are, if you will just look up. He truly is your Rock…or can be if you choose to put your trust in Him.

Posted in random | 1 Comment

Hypo-what? Hashi-who?

Last year, about this time, I spent an entire day and a half in bed, crying and feeling completely miserable.I was having a horrible time sleeping though I was exhausted all of the time. I went to the doctor, had a battery of blood tests, and found out that I had hypothyroidism. I was also diagnosed as being depressed. I walked out with prescriptions for Celexa (anti-depressant,) Synthroid (hypothyroid medicine,) Ambien and Xanax. I thought that my life was going to be all better.

Funny thing. I was taking all of the medicines and still felt anxiety, exhausted and was having a horrible time sleeping. I started eating better and exercising, knowing that I needed to add those things to my regimen, but it didn’t help.

I went back to the doctor, found out that I was severely Vitamin D deficient and my thyroid still wasn’t working. I got a high dose of Vitamin D to take for two months and my thyroid med was increased. Two months later, no change.

I marched myself back to the doctor, told her my issues, donated more blood to the lab, and found out that my thyroid medicine had to be increased. AGAIN. At this point, I was getting pissed. And concerned. More pissed than concerned. I felt like a guinea pig more than a human being. My doctor listened to what I was saying, but I still felt like crap.

I started reading books on hypothyroidism. I started following Hypothyroid Mom on facebook. I stalked thyroid.about.com. I learned about natural thyroid replacement. I started to think that perhaps it was more than hypothyroidism. I started to suspect Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis.

Last week I went to my doctor, and I was a different patient. I wasn’t a passive participant in my health. I was informed. And a funny thing happened. My nurse practitioner was impressed. She thanked me. She complimented me. I got the usual battery of tests–T3, Vitamin D. I also got tested for Hashimoto’s disease. My doctor agreed immediately to transition me from Synthroid to Nature-throid when she got my test results back.

I got my results back this past week. I have Hashimoto’s disease. It is an autoimmune disease wherein my immune system is attacking my thyroid. Not only am I harder on myself than others are, my immune system is killing one of the most important glands in my body. I got the answer I was looking for, but it shook me to my core. I cried myself to sleep with both relief and fear.

Now, I’m staring a new journey. One of the hallmarks of Hashimotos disease is gluten sensitivity, so I’m on a gluten free diet. Gluten is one of my food groups. I love, LOVE beer, bread and pasta. Have you tried gluten free beer? I’d rather drink gasoline and be set on fire! I’m starting a new medicine on Tuesday because (SHOCKING, I know) pharmacies don’t regularly stock Nature-throid because it is not made by a big pharmaceutical company.

The most difficult part of this journey is having confirmation that I truly cannot maintain the pace that I want to and that is expected of me. I can’t work 50 hours a week without being down for a few days. I can’t always have a social life, because there are times that I literally do not have the energy/stamina that it takes. I have to learn a word that is unfamiliar to me–NO.

I am not hopeless, though at the moment I am completely overwhelmed. I know that this is not God’s first choice for me, but I also know that He WILL use it for HIS good. My body may be broken but I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made.

Statistically speaking, I know that there are at least a few of you who are reading this who are in the same boat as I am. Welcome to my new journey. I hope that you’ll continue along with me. I am going to use this blog to document my navigation through Hashimoto’s disease and hypothyroidism. I was made for this…I just didn’t see this coming.

~D

 

Posted in random | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Happy Christmas

In my 20′s it was easy to believe what God said…to believe that He had a plan for my life. As I stumbled through my late 20′s and early 30′s, waiting for the promise to come true, my faith began to diminish and cynicism took over.

Life happens. Bills accrue. Health problems arise. Long hours at work ensue. Time slips away. The desire to sleep outweighs the thirst for God’s word.

One day I wake up a complete mess. Depressed. Alone. Putting on a false front, easily deceiving those who don’t truly want to see.

I sit here, wondering. The what ifs pile up. A still small voice tells me I am not forgotten, tells me that this season will be used for good, that this crossroads will help others.

I see a hawk gliding in the wind, so free. I am reminded of Isaiah 40:31.

This Christmas season is a time to celebrate the birth of our Savior. Therr was a point in His life, in the garden of Gethsamane, when He asked his Father to take this cup from him…and he yielded his will to the Father. Let us celebrate a Savior who chose to come to earth for all of mankind, not just those like him.

Merry Christmas.

Posted in random | 1 Comment

Sad truth

Some days I wish that everyone had to spend a week in a state of depression so that they would know what it feels like. Then again, I wouldn’t wish this on a sworn enemy.

Stop telling someone who is depressed to snap out of it. Stop telling them their negative thought patterns created the condition. Do you think it is fun to want to stay in bed, to not want to interact with people, for your whole body to ache, while being yelled at by a well.meaning person to snap out of it?

The sad truth is depression sucks. Yes, God can heal me in an instant. Instead He is allowing me to go through this for a reason. Instead of sitting in your ivory tower of judgment, pray for me. Reach out to me. It’s not contagious.

Posted in random | Leave a comment

Nothing is inconsequential to God…NOTHING

I’ve sponsored a kid through Compassion International off and on for 4-5 years. I’ve always thought highly of the organization. It is rated amongst the highest for its type of charity. A few years ago I had to stop sponsoring my first kid Peter from Uganda because of financial difficulties, and it was the most difficult decision I ever had to make. Over a year ago, I started sponsoring Jessica. While Compassion has a high rating, part of me has always wondered if my money was really making a difference.

I’ve working in my current dental office for over a year. I’ve been in the dental field for nearly 7 years between working for an implant company and in various dental offices. Most days, I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels, making money but not living the life that God has for me.

My faith has been shaky to say the very least in the past few years. I have good moments, but I have mostly weak moments. I’ve tried to find a church, but nothing has stuck for long. I have deep wounds that need God’s healing touch. I visited a church this past weekend, that I plan on exploring more. I know that do what God has for me to do, I have to be connected to a church, to be a part of a group of believers. Frankly, I miss corporate worship as much as a person who is suffocating misses oxygen.

One of our sweetest, kindest patients was in our office today. I had a collision of Compassion International, work and faith.He was in medical school and recently graduated. When he was in today, I was asking him about school. He told me that he was home in Africa for a few weeks. I asked him where he calls home. Turns out he is from Uganda. I got all excited and started telling him about Peter. He asked me what through what organization I sponsored Peter. I told him Compassion International. Guess who is a graduate of the Compassion program? Guess who had families support him through college? You guessed it. My patient. This guy also travels throughout the US telling the story of how God has blessed his life through Compassion Interational.

What I learned today is that there are times that God expects you to walk forward in faith, knowing and believing that He has your best interest at heart. That is how I’ve spend the majority of my life. However, there are also days when God will give you  a tiny glimpse of the tapestry that He is creating with your life. I never in a million years would have guessed that God would have me working in a dental office in Mt, Airy so that I could meet a medical student from Uganda who is a graduate from the Compassion International program to show me that what I do that seems so inconsequential to me is actually a life huge thing in a kid’s life.

Be encouraged. Those small things that you don’t think matter are changing someone’s life.

Posted in random | Tagged | Leave a comment

one day

i love youi have for quite a long time
i know you feel the same
God has revealed you in my dreams
and I know He’s revealed me in yours
our timing has been off
our locations
one day
I know that we will meet again
at the right time, right place
and the two shall become one
i will wait
there is a hole in my heart
shaped like you
one day
we shall board the plane
until then
my heart, my prayers
are yours

Posted in random | 1 Comment

By Your stripes…

God has been doing a remarkable act of healing in my life lately. I didn’t realize it until the past week or so.

I find myself comfortable in my skin. I am certainly no model, nor do I desire to be one. That being said, I am working hard on the outside of who I am, and the confidence from that work is starting to shine through.

I am taking control of my health. I had a physical, I was as open and honest with my doctor as I’ve ever been with any doctor, and she and I have come up with a plan including a nutritionist, a mammogram (woohoo), the ob-gyn (double woohoo) and a dermatologist. This also includes cutting down/cutting out gluten. This is a problem as I am in love with bread…but I’m willing to take one for the team so that I can feel fully human.

I am less afraid of taking risks emotionally than I was a few weeks ago. I shan’t go into too many details here, but I will say that I have opened myself up a bit more  int he past week or two than I have in a long time. I may just be able to allow myself to be happy.

All of these things may seem simple to the average person. For me, these things are proof that God is alive and well in my life, healing up some deep wounds. I pray that God continues to heal up those deep wounds, and that I will continue to allow Him to work.

 

Posted in random | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Comfort

Most of my life, I’ve not been comfortable in my skin. I’m confident in my abilities. I’m confident in my intelligence. I’m confident in my craft professionally.

If you take me out of my comfort zone, however, I shake in my boots. Yesterday, I had lunch with someone I’ve known for a while. During out lunch, I realized I was comfortable. With him. And with myself.

For me, this was an enlightening aha moment. All of a sudden, the years of hell I’ve survived seem worth it. I can say, finally, I survived and I’m stronger for it.

I find myself looking hopefully forward. This is quite refreshing. 

Posted in random | Leave a comment

Decisions

Sometimes you have to cut things out of your life that you really like so that, one day, you can become all that you were meant to be. Today, I made a decision that I am breaking up with my friends wine and beer as well as all of their relatives rum, vodka, bourbon, etc etc etc. I don’t need them like I used to. I am sleeping well without them. I am able to relax now that I’ve made a new friend, the death machine aka the elliptical.

Why am I writing this? I need accountability. I need to put this out there and be held accountable for my decision. I want to be healthier today than I was yesterday.

So, beer and wine, we’ve had a good run. I’ve enjoyed your company. However, the time has come to say goodbye.

Posted in random | Leave a comment