Growing up in faith
I always considered myself an empathetic person…I thought that I understood people’s experiences and circumstances even though I had never walked a mile in those shoes. Boy was I wrong.
I’ve talked to people who had relatives who have cancer. I really thought that I understood since I had two grandparents who had cancer and died. There is something different when it is your mother who is battling the cancer. I loved my nanny and pop-pop, but that was nothing like watching my mother struggle. The emotional turmoil is enough to bring me to my knees on a daily basis. Now she’s talking about quitting treatment when we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. At her last treatment, someone getting chemo died at the end of the hallway. Now she’s scared on top of the fear that she had before.
Going through this battle–and another battle that is much more personal–I think I am beginning to understand why Jesus had to come to earth as flesh. I know that He’s God. I know that He’s omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient…but in order for Him to fully understand what it is to be human, He had to be human. For me to understand what it really means to be the child of a cancer patient, I had to become the child of a cancer patient.
It’s funny. I remember a time when I would welcome these challenges because I knew that God was going to teach me something. Lately, I’ve been feeling like a victim as the challenges have been thrown my way…God, what have I done to deserve this? This weekend, God has shown me how much my capacity to love is growing through these struggles. Instead of writing off my mom or other loved ones, I find myself loving them more even though, logically, I should be running away.
I always thought that I had a pretty deep faith. I was wrong. I know I’m certainly in the running to be named in the Hall of Faith but I also know that my faith has grown exponentially over the past few weeks.
Lord, thank you for the struggles that I’ve been experiencing. While I would prefer my life to be a long season of walking through fields of daisies singing happy songs, I know that this season of pressure is growing me in faith, in integrity, more in your image. I pray that the people who read this blog would see their struggles as opportunities for growth rather than punishment. I pray that you bring people to this blog who need to read it. I pray, Lord, that you bless the eyes who read this. May your annointing flow from my words. In Jesus name, AMEN.
Happy New Year
It is looking like 2010 is going to be a great year.
I have a sense of anticipation about 2010 that goes all of the way to the depth of my being. I have very high expectations of myself for this year and for the trajectory of my life.
This year is going to be a year of change and stability. I sense that a big change is coming in my life…one that even I cannot anticipate, but I also sense that I am finally going to find stability.
I have some goals for the year…I’m not calling them resolutions because they are not necessarily things that I can objectively measure. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to start writing that book. I want to learn how to be in a healthy relationship. I want to break down the walls of “protection” that have been caging me in. I want to do what makes me happy and fulfills me…not what I think I need to do to stay afloat or keep other people happy with me.
I have to grow deeper in my faith in 2010. I want to study why I believe what I believe. I want to be able to answer the questions that are posed to me that seem unanswerable. A trend that I see is that there are consistently people in my life who challenge what I believe. I need to step up to the plate.
There is something that is brewing below the surface, too. A seed that was planted many years ago has started to emerge again…it is kind of freaking me out; I know that it’s not the time right now; but I know that it’s something that needs to be worked on. I’m not making the mistake I’ve made in the past about talking too much about it…I’m letting God be God.
I’m taking 2010 by the horns and going for it.
Hairapalooza
Tonight I had some girl time. I scheduled myself a hair appointment unwittingly on the night that all of the girls in my friend’s salon were getting their hair done for the holiday. I had a blast.
I helped my friend open her salon, way back when. They just celebrated their third year in business. I remember when it was just a whim, a dream. It seems like it’s been the blink of an eye since the day when I first walked through the auto parts store that is now a fantastic, beautiful place of refuge for women.
One of the stylists had her baby in the salon…her 7 week old baby. Yeah. So cute she is. I fell in love with her. I think she kind of liked me too 
I know that this isn’t the right time for me to have a baby…but man, I wish it were. Biological clock going tick tick tick.
On a heavier note…mom’s third treatment went well. We got great news…she has one more short treatment then she is moving on to a track of four longer treatments. The doctors are thrilled that the lymphoma lump is gone. God is faithful…that is for certain.
Fear Factor
Well, mom has her third chemo treatment tomorrow. Have I mentioned how much I loathe cancer? ’Cause I do. The first two treatments weren’t so horrible…residual lethargy and minimal nausea. At this juncture the emotional part is the most difficult.
She thought that she would be fine if she lost her hair. She thought she’d laugh like my Aunt Lorrie did. Not so much. I told her that I’d rather a bald alive mom then a deceased mom with a full head of hair. Then I threatened to buy her a Santa hat with her name in glitter on it. I need to keep us laughing so that I don’t lose my mind.
I never realized the emotional toll that having a parent battling cancer would have on me. I guess I thought that I would be able to roll with the punches and be thankful that she’s alive. Much of the time, I am able to do just that. Other times, I curl into the fetal position and cry my eyes out.
It really affects every area of my life. The other day, I was joking with one of our patients about not being able to commit to a six month cleaning appointment. She looked at me and said, “I just don’t know what my life is going to look like at that time. My husband is battling cancer.” It took all, and I mean ALL of my willpower not to cry. I looked her in the eye and said, “I understand. I have a mother battling cancer.” And we just…understood.
Life isn’t all sadness and cancer, though.
Something great is brewing for 2010…I feel it in the depth of my being. I believe that a big change is coming…I have an idea of what it is, but for now, I’m just sitting back, smiling and enjoying the ride.
Life is funny
It’s the holiday season…do de do…
It feels like an entire lifetime since I last wrote something here…maybe it has been.
My mom had her second treatment today. I spoke with her, and she sounded pretty good. She was good last time until she got the shot…that kind of knocked her out a bit, but she bounced back.
For some reason, this treatment has coincided with Jimmy V week on ESPN. I still remember him calling college basketball games…I always liked him more than Dick Vitale. It feels almost naughty to say that. This morning I was listening to ESPN radio and they were talking about people who lost their lives to cancer. Needless to say, I rationally screamed at the radio and changed the channel. How flipping weird.
Sometimes I wonder what God is up to. Especially now. I had my life all planned out. I was going to adopt some cats, get a mumu and call it a life. Then I start hanging out with this guy I really like. Who seems to like me. Yeah…can you say monkey wrench? It’s been a while since this has happened…and I like it. Bye bye mumus and cats…lol
I’m really interested to see where this road is taking me. It could literally be anywhere. We’re having fun, being goofy, and dreaming big.
I’m doing my best not to analyze what is going on…to just enjoy the ride. Hands and feet inside the car. Ready. Set. Go!
Update…
Quick update…
Mom’s heart works well, so tomorrow she moves onto getting her port and starting chemo. Pray for us…the reality of the whole treatment starts tomorrow…for all of us.
Thanks.
Thanksgiving wildcards
It’s ironic to me that this week is Thanksgiving. So much to be thankful for…so many wildcards in the deck. I’m looking forward to the short work week followed by a whole 7 days out of the office. I may have the shakes by next Wednesday, though…lol
I’m thankful that I’m going to be with my family this Thanksgiving. I’m going to be doing the bulk of the cooking. I love to cook…and I love to feed people. I can’t wait to spend time with my family this year…with my mom’s cancer, I realize how fleeting my time is with them.
I’m looking forward to a very Woodbury weekend. I’m going to a gathering on Wednesday, and definitely heading to the championship game on Saturday.
The wildcards come at the beginning of the week. Monday mom has a test to see if her heart can handle chemo. If it can, most likely, chemo starts Tuesday. She’s starting to be apprehensive about the treatment–she knows that this is the correct decision for her, but she’s worried about pain and the effects that the chemo is going to have on her. My father is worried about my mom.
I’ve been on autopilot about the whole thing lately. Trying to make light of the situation, to laugh and have fun. I’ve been trying to cheer mom up and get her out of the house. I’ve not allowed myself to feel what was going on…I’ve numbed myself. But–on Saturday on my way to work…the emotion hit me like a flood. I bawled my eyes out and I was as honest with God as I’ve been. It was very cathartic…and cleansing…and made me realize that I can’t do this alone.
I’m going to need friends…especially friends who’ve gone through this whole cancer thing. I always thought I understood what others were going through…but this is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. And completely different than I perceived. Oy vey.
I’ll prove you wrong.
I have problems. Haha. If you’ve read my blog more than once, you probably have some pills or a good therapist to recommend. I am conflicted. I am passionate. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Or I punch at you so that you can’t see what I am really feeling. Because, what if you reject me? What if you know the absolute, down and dirty truth, and walk away?
It’s really frustrating for me that there are some people who believe in me. No matter what. People who see my behavior and call me on it. Not in a judgmental, condemning way, but in a loving, I know that the person inside of you isn’t the person who is rearing her ugly head kind of way.
The trend in my life is to reject people before they can reject me. If you are close to me, I try to push you away so that you don’t see the ugly parts. I’d rather go through these things on my own than have other people get dirty because of my dirt.
God has brought these people into my life that see through the ugly. Some I see on a daily basis. Some I’ve never met. some I may never meet. But God has surrounded me, despite my best efforts to push everyone away, with people who will not allow me to remain a broken person. People who remind me of the dreams that God has placed deep in my heart. People who see my potential and will not allow me to remain as I am. People who call me on things that I do in a constructive way–and for some reason, continue to do so.
The other day, I received Zephaniah 3:17 in my inbin:
The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.
Frankly, I’ve been trying to even push God away. Don’t talk to me about what You want me to accomplish. Do You see where my life is at the moment? Do you see how wounded I am by the people that call themselves Yours?
Prove Yourself, I cry out. Show me Your face. Bring me relief. Do SOMETHING! Instead, I get pressed more and more. My mom not only has cancer, but struggling emotionally. I am struggling. How can I hold up her arms when mine are weak? Love me, Lord. Show me your love. Instead, I find myself more alone than ever…surrounded by friends but solitary…surrounded by people but..alone.
The thing is that I know that this is a dark night of the soul. I know that I am not alone. I know that this too shall pass. I know that God loves me unconditionally. I know that this season of pressing is not only character building, but necessary for what I will do in the future. I know that the men in my life who continue to encourage me, remind me of who I am , stick with me when they have every right to leave, are the pillars in my life who will reap one-hundred-fold for what they are sowing into my life. My prayer is that I too can sow good seeds into their lives.
I know that one day, probably sooner than later, I’ll look back on this post and laugh at how close to a breakthrough I was. I know that the dreams and vision that were placed in my heart will come to pass. I know that God is working in me so that I can be the woman, the wife, the mother that He has called me to be. I know that the broken part in me that want to prove to everyone how terrible I am rather than how great God has created me will be ripped out by its roots.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for peering into the depths of where I am right now. It is my prayer that God uses this post to let you know that you are not alone. You may not be in a place that you ever thought you’d be, but be patient. Where God gives vision, He gives provision. God is singing over you with gladness. Prove the broken part of yourself wrong. You are worthy of the call of God–not because of anything that you’ve done but because of what Christ did on the cross.
I’m no cookie cutter
I don’t know if I am a non-conformist, if I have a problem with authority, or if I just don’t fit into any moulds, but one thing I know is that I will never be a cookie cutter person. I always wanted to be. I’ve tried. I have lost many hours, days, months, years of my life in agony, wondering why I just don’t fit it.
This frustration has been most evident in my invovlvment with the church. It always starts out really well. I show up. God moves in my life. I get involved. I make some friends. We’re all lovey dovey. Then, somewhere along the way, I stop listening the my gut and start doing what is expected of me. I start to feel dissatisfied, knowing that something is off. I dig deep, trying to figure out what is off. The dissatisfaction grows deeper and deeper, until I am just angry. I try to step back from the things in which I am involved. But that is easier said than done. Because, you know, people are depending on you, Deneen.
I’m not pointing fingers at others for my personal deficiencies. I have a huge problem saying no. Almost a fear, if I’m honest with myself. However, the church as it is, plays into the fear of saying no and the problem with all of the expectations placed upon its members/attendees to be a part of the church.
Jesus came to heal the sick. So, why is it that the church doesn’t recognize that everyone in their congregation, from the top down, is broken? Why does the church not realize that along with attending services once a week, that its people have jobs, families and *gasp* friends who are not in the church. I have friends that are black, white, asian, hispanic, gay, straight, catholic, non-denominational, pentecostal, agnostic, athiests, doctors, lawyers, customer service reps. Is the church of 2009 relevant to people who are not in the church of 2009? I’ve been out of church for about a year, and frankly, I question whether it’s relevant to me at this point.
What is difficult for me is that I truly love the church. I want the church to be what God has called her to be. But, I can’t bring myself to be a part of an organism that judges people who are not like them. I want to be a part of a place that allows me to bring my friends into a nurturing environment, a place where they can have educated conversations about their difference in beliefs/lifestyles. I want to belong to a church that is a part of a conversation, not a monologue.
Maybe I need to restart some conversations of my own…I need the challenge again.
If you want to check out the catalyst to this blog, check out Shaun’s blog here.
Pride
It frightens me how complacent I have become. I am sitting in a warm apartment, typing away on a very nice computer. I have running water in three faucets in my home. I have a full stomach. Tomorrow I will wake up and go to a job that pays me well by driving my car. On paper, I have the right to practice any religion, to speak my mind, to bear arms with no backlash from my government.
Yet, I find myself worrying about money, food, bottles of water, how long I wait in line for Starbucks.
Tonight I talked with a woman on facebook from Bangledesh. That is a very poor country. People are killed for not being Muslims. People are killed for being Christian. This woman and her family work with Campus Crusade for Christ. They are bringing the message of Jesus to students. In a country where the penalty for doing that can be D-E-A-T-H.
Yet I am worrying about how to pay my bills this month. Really?
I know that God has called me to be a world-changer. Lately I’ve been feeling like my hands are tied. The desire to travel the world being used by God to heal the hurting, to bring light to the dark places literally keeps me awake at night. I want to be the person doing the going. That is pride. Pride comes before the fall.
What struck me tonight as I was chatting with my new friend is that, though I can’t go at the moment, I can still be a catalyst for others. I may not be able to fund a ministry, but I can let others know…perhaps others who can give.
That being said, I ask you to check out the following website…read to see what God is doing in Bangledesh. Pray for this family. If you are led to do more than pray, do it. https://give.ccci.org/give/View/2830774
