Year of discipline

Posted on 2 January, 2012 by

In 2012 I want to become a disciplined person…so I am in the process of setting patterns for myself.

I ended 2011 by starting a Bible reading plan on youversion.com…read through the Bible in 90 days. Usually I fall off the wagon by the end of week 1, but 32 days in, I find myself craving that reading time on a daily basis.

Today I started Weight Watchers and the Advocare 21 Day Challenge. I definitely added some extra steps today…walked to the train station instead of taking the bus (mainly because the bus never showed up…but you know what? It counts!) I’m also going to a train station in the morning that is at the bottom of a hill so that I have to walk myself up a hill to get to work.

I started my 365 day writing challenge and so far, so good. I know that it’s only January 2, but I’m being positive here, folks. I was going to publish my writing, but someone advised me to keep it private until I really get into the groove. As my ultimate goal is to be published, I will probably keep it private for a while…if not until I put it together in a packet for a publisher to look at.

 

 

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Good riddance 2011

Posted on 31 December, 2011 by

2011 is almost over. Thank God.

Looking back, it’s been a roller coaster…a few ups and a lot of downs. I’m going to focus on the ups.

  • My passion for God is growing again. For me this is the biggest win of the whole list. 2009, 2010 and 2010 were craptastic. What I didn’t realize what how those trying years had affected my relationship with and my love for God. I can’t say that I’m where I want to be with Him…but I can say that there is forward progress occurring.
  • My grandmother was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer this year…definitely a down, but we’ve grown closer throughout the year. This is something that I’ve desired for my whole life…definitely a win for the year. She’s doing well…she’s a fighter that woman.
  • After a two month stint being unemployed, I got a job in September. I work with some great people and some quirky people, but overall, it’s a decent job.
  • I’ve reconnected with people in 2011 that I never expected to connect with again. It’s one thing to “like” one another status on Facebook or follow someone on Twitter, but it’s a whole other thing to sit face to face with people, laugh through things and know that, despite the odds, you have a group of friends you can count on.

In 2012, I have a few goals that I want to attain.

  • I’m going to increase my creativity. I’ve started a new blog: deneen365.wordpress.com.  I am going to be writing on there daily. My ultimate goal is that creating the habit of writing will lead to me achieving my dream of writing a novel. Check it out starting tomorrow…
  • I am going to take care of myself physically. I’ve joined a gym and set up an appointment with a personal trainer to get me started. I’ve joined Weight Watchers and have a few friends and family members who are also working toward a healthier lifestyle, so hopefully doing this in a community will help me to be successful long term.
  • I am going to become a positive impact in my community. I don’t exactly know how this one is going to take shape…but it turns out I have a bunch of friends who are philanthropic…I’m going to figure out where I can use the gifts and talents God gave me to change the city of Philadelphia.

Happy New Year. I can’t wait to see what this year has in store for all of us!

 

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Humanity…where has it gone?

Posted on 14 November, 2011 by

Thank God I am not the person today I was in high school. I was angry. I was lonely. I had no self-esteem. I was unmotivated. I know one person whose life I made difficult…and I’m sure there were more.

I am a very judgmental person. I take no prisoners when I feel justified in defending my pack. I’ve built walls around my heart to defend me from more hurt…from men, from ‘friends,’ from church folk, from the general population.

I don’t trust easily…but when I trust I do so wholeheartedly. I don’t live easily, but when I do it is for life…you forever possess a piece of my heart.

Yesterday I learned that a girl I grew up with died in a tragic way…she was murdered in the dark of night in a city she should have avoided. When we were in high school, she wouldn’t have cast a glance my way let alone a kind word.

She was a daughter, however. She was a sister. She was a mother. She was a wife. She was a human being.

The question I pose us this: at what point does one human being decide that another’s life has no value, that it is acceptable to take someone else’s life? Who gives you that right? Further, at what point do I get to decide, not as a murderer but as a fellow human being, oh well, when she was in high school she was mean so, goodbye? She had an addiction, so her life holds less value than mine?

My walls are down. I’m vulnerable. Over the next few weeks, I have a lot of apologies to make. But in the meantime, I will be mourning the death of a mother, a daughter, a wife, a woman whose life was ended prematurely, whose children will graduate high school and get ready for prom and get married without the faintest hope that their mommy will show up.

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It’s funny how far a dollar can go

Posted on 14 September, 2011 by

One of the most powerful sermons that I ever heard was at a Methodist church on the day that my nephew Isaac and my niece Isabella were baptized. As I walked into the church, proud to be my nephew’s God-mother, I received a bulletin with two pennies taped to it. The pastor’s message that day was on the widow who gave the offering of the two mites–two pennies. Here’s the passage from Luke 21:1-4:

 1 As Jesus looked up, he saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury. 2 He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins. 3 “Truly I tell you,” he said, “this poor widow has put in more than all the others. 4 All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.”

On that day, all I had to give was those two pennies…two pennies that someone gave me, having no idea how they would impact my life forever.

The past few months have been challenging on every possible level to me. Someone recently gave me $10. I remembered the parable of the widow and gave $1 of the 10 in our church’s offering this Sunday. I reminded God that I needed a job as I was holding the money, but then I basically forgot about it.

Monday night, I got a phone call at 8:30 at night…a response to a resume that I had sent about a week ago. I’ve sent so many resumes lately that I can barely keep track of them, though, so I kind of smiled and agreed to meet with the person.

Today, I went into the office at 2PM and walked out by 3PM employed.

I hope that my story encourages you. With God, ALL things are possible. I don’t know what you are going through right now, but God does. He has not forgotten you. I don’t believe in formulaic Christianity. I encourage you to spend some time in His word, in His presence and allow His word to guide you. I would be honored to pray with you as well…let me know :)

 

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Earthquakes and hurricanes and unemployment, oh my!

Posted on 26 August, 2011 by

Usually the northeastern region of the US is okay for weather….hot summers, cold winters but few natural disasters. Tuesday I was standing in a building, waiting to give blood for my sister’s class and all of a sudden, I find myself feeling like I’m surfing. I’m usually bad in situations that are jarring to my senses…but I calmly waited it out.

Saturday into Sunday we’re expecting a category 2 or 3 hurricane to come barreling through NJ. I’m staying with my parents in Woodbury–and I find myself completely calm about the whole thing.

You can’t change the weather, right? You do have the option to freak out…but that won’t do anything but shave time off of your life.

Now, what I need to do is apply this sense of calm to the unemployed me. My full-time job right now is to pray, send out resumes, pray and manage my little bit of finances well…not freak out and worry about things over which I have no control.

So, mother nature, I’d like to thank you for earthquakes and hurricanes. I obviously needed them to find the peace that surpasses all understanding.

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And the battle rages

Posted on 15 August, 2011 by

Sleep eludes me. I am battle weary yet my mind trudged along as if I’ve slept all day.

In a few hours, mom will undergo surgery she’s put off for three years. Dad and I will be there for her. I’ll be the one with the dark circles under her eyes in the waiting room, Phillies hat pulled low. Let’s blame the circles on allergies, ok?

Meanwhile in Philly my grandmother is most likely not sleeping, alone by her own choosing, small cell lung cancer running rampant, untreated due to fear.

God is at work. Right now I think He’s insane. He trusts me so much more than He should. When I’m ready to call His bluff, He has another trump card…someone who encourages me, a scripture that strengthens my weakening faith, a sunny day with low humidity.

It’s no walk in the park, but the world better get ready. I’m in training right now that makes the Navy Seals training and CIA training seem like girl scout camp. If I can survive this with my sense of humor intact, I am as strong as He’s telling me I am…and that means that everything that’s been spoken over my life must be true.

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Falling to pieces

Posted on 18 July, 2011 by

Lately, people have been telling me I need to write.

I know that I need to write. I know I need to get on my knees in prayer and beseech God to move. I know all of these things. But I’d rather wallow, watch my Hulu queue and forget about life for a while. I’d rather not have to process my current circle of hell. I thought watching my mom suffer through cancer, watching people I care succumb to cancer and having some idiot I thought I cared about take a ten minute walk and never come back was bad. Nope. That was the warm up.

Don’t get me wrong. There are a LOT of things going right in my life. I am part of an amazing church plant, and I’m watching God move in this city like I’ve only seen through my spiritual eyes before. I have a core group of people about whom I care and who care about me. I have a job which is more than 9% of the population of the United States can say. But–there is this thing that is nagging at me and won’t let me go.

I am under more stress at work now than I was even when I worked for the crazy lady in Boston. Boiled down, God is using a lunatic to break off the pieces of me that He’s wanted off for a long time. While my boss thinks that he is breaking me, he is only succeeding in knocking off the things that God wants us all free from: pride, self-righteousness, self-reliance. I am a Type-A personality. I like to be in control of the process. I like to make things happen. I am in a situation where I am being beaten emotionally to the point of exhaustion on a daily basis…and it hurts like hell…but, at the same time, I see God’s hand in all of it.

I don’t know exactly what God has for me in the future. I do know that God works ALL things for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I know that no weapon formed against me shall prosper.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil for I know Thou art with me. This is a rough season…and frankly, if there were a test on my performance, I would fail.

Fortunately, God’s grading system is different than mine.

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Happy Fathers Day

Posted on 19 June, 2011 by

Today I feel like I’m on the episode of “Survivor” when they remember all of the people who were voted off the island. God had blessed me with some great men in my life…but over the past few years some of the men have been removed from my life.

I am blessed that my father is still alive. I have learned so much throughout the years from him. Hard work, a wry sense of humor, and unconditional live are just a few of his traits I attempt to emulate.

Last year we lost my next door neighbor to lung cancer–Mr. Bill. I walk out back at my parents house and I still look for him…and after a year I’m surprised not to hear a happy “Howdy neighbor!” No matter what he was going through, he always had a smile and a joke.

Two men from my former church are missed as well…Coach and Charlie. Mighty men of God, always there with a word of encouragement and a smile. Coach is bigger than life in my mind…a gentle giant. He made sure I saw the Grand Canyon as we flew over it on our way to my first mission trip. Charlie was like my dad…telling me what I didn’t want to hear and making sure my car was maintained.

As I write this, I can’t help but be humbled. Some people can’t claim to have one good man in their lives. I have too many to write about in one blog. I am a blessed woman.

Happy Fathers Day to all the dads out there. Never underestimate how important being a man of integrity and character is to those around you!

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Forward, March

Posted on 7 June, 2011 by

Forward,march!! Left. Right. Left. Right.

Ok, I admit it. I was a band geek in high school. Mock me if you will, but it taught me life skills…like how to love football. One thing I hated about marching band was the parades. Ugh…I still get anxious in October around Woodbury’s Fall Festival Parade time. The smell of diesel fumes…and the dread of never quite being in step. If you see a picture of a band, inevitably you’ll notice one person with the wrong foot forward. That was usually a chick playing tenor sax named Deneen.

Aside from realizing that I’ll never quite fit in with the crowd, I learned how to mobilize myself. Aside from chiding myself along by saying, “C’mon, White, you can do this!” I find myself saying, “Forward, march!” when the going gets tough and I want to remain sedentary instead of proactive.

I am in a season of proactivity right now, whether I like it or not. I sense forward progress despite the appearance of setbacks.

If you find yourself seemingly stuck in a not-so-ideal situation, I hope you hear my voice or see my words. It’s time to mobilize.

Forward, march!

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People don’t care how much you know…

Posted on 6 June, 2011 by

I read a book this weekend called Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo. My friend highly recommended it to me, and I have to admit. I was reticent to read it. Maybe I’m jaded by endless bookshelves filled with all kinds of claims about Jesus and heaven. Maybe I’m just jaded by life’s circumstances. Regardless of my cynicism, I read the book. In about 3 hours. I’m a quick reader, but I couldn’t put this book down.

If I had to condense the message of the book down to one sentence, it would be, “God loves His children.” I’m sure that you are wide-eyed with wonder at that assertion, wondering if I just stepped out from a rock under which I’ve been hiding since I professed Christ as my Saviour.

Nope.

The scales of cynicism were torn off of my eyes because of the story of a little boy.

I live in a very hard city. Most days I am convinced that Philadelphia was ironically named the city of brotherly love. If you walk the streets of this city, it makes NYC seem like a walk through the daisies. The longer I live here, the harder my heart has become. It is increasingly easy to scoff at the homeless man who daily demands my loose change, to tell the solicitors from Planned Parenthood, Save the Children, and a myriad of other charities where they can stick their petitions.

But, I read the story of a little boy who almost died, who claims to have seen Jesus face to face, and all of a sudden some of the hardness that has become the ground of my heart started to break apart. I started to feel again.

People don’t really care how much you know. People need to know how much you care. I can go into a deep theological debate with someone over the deity of Christ, the triune God, eschatology, dichotomy vs trichotomy, but in the end, all that matters is one thing. God cares about His children. God doesn’t care if you are gay or straight, black or white, male or female, Muslim or Catholic or Baptist or Jewish. God loves everyone on planet Earth enough to have died for you. God loves you so much that He made a way–through Jesus and Jesus alone–for every person to enter into heaven. He loves you so much that He’s given you the option not to love Him back and spend eternity in Hell. Yes, it breaks His heart, but He doesn’t force His love upon you. He bestows it upon you.

In our world, and in my city in particular, no one really cares how much I know. They want to know how much I care. How much do you care?

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