I’ll prove you wrong.
I have problems. Haha. If you’ve read my blog more than once, you probably have some pills or a good therapist to recommend. I am conflicted. I am passionate. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Or I punch at you so that you can’t see what I am really feeling. Because, what if you reject me? What if you know the absolute, down and dirty truth, and walk away?
It’s really frustrating for me that there are some people who believe in me. No matter what. People who see my behavior and call me on it. Not in a judgmental, condemning way, but in a loving, I know that the person inside of you isn’t the person who is rearing her ugly head kind of way.
The trend in my life is to reject people before they can reject me. If you are close to me, I try to push you away so that you don’t see the ugly parts. I’d rather go through these things on my own than have other people get dirty because of my dirt.
God has brought these people into my life that see through the ugly. Some I see on a daily basis. Some I’ve never met. some I may never meet. But God has surrounded me, despite my best efforts to push everyone away, with people who will not allow me to remain a broken person. People who remind me of the dreams that God has placed deep in my heart. People who see my potential and will not allow me to remain as I am. People who call me on things that I do in a constructive way–and for some reason, continue to do so.
The other day, I received Zephaniah 3:17 in my inbin:
The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.
Frankly, I’ve been trying to even push God away. Don’t talk to me about what You want me to accomplish. Do You see where my life is at the moment? Do you see how wounded I am by the people that call themselves Yours?
Prove Yourself, I cry out. Show me Your face. Bring me relief. Do SOMETHING! Instead, I get pressed more and more. My mom not only has cancer, but struggling emotionally. I am struggling. How can I hold up her arms when mine are weak? Love me, Lord. Show me your love. Instead, I find myself more alone than ever…surrounded by friends but solitary…surrounded by people but..alone.
The thing is that I know that this is a dark night of the soul. I know that I am not alone. I know that this too shall pass. I know that God loves me unconditionally. I know that this season of pressing is not only character building, but necessary for what I will do in the future. I know that the men in my life who continue to encourage me, remind me of who I am , stick with me when they have every right to leave, are the pillars in my life who will reap one-hundred-fold for what they are sowing into my life. My prayer is that I too can sow good seeds into their lives.
I know that one day, probably sooner than later, I’ll look back on this post and laugh at how close to a breakthrough I was. I know that the dreams and vision that were placed in my heart will come to pass. I know that God is working in me so that I can be the woman, the wife, the mother that He has called me to be. I know that the broken part in me that want to prove to everyone how terrible I am rather than how great God has created me will be ripped out by its roots.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for peering into the depths of where I am right now. It is my prayer that God uses this post to let you know that you are not alone. You may not be in a place that you ever thought you’d be, but be patient. Where God gives vision, He gives provision. God is singing over you with gladness. Prove the broken part of yourself wrong. You are worthy of the call of God–not because of anything that you’ve done but because of what Christ did on the cross.
I’m no cookie cutter
I don’t know if I am a non-conformist, if I have a problem with authority, or if I just don’t fit into any moulds, but one thing I know is that I will never be a cookie cutter person. I always wanted to be. I’ve tried. I have lost many hours, days, months, years of my life in agony, wondering why I just don’t fit it.
This frustration has been most evident in my invovlvment with the church. It always starts out really well. I show up. God moves in my life. I get involved. I make some friends. We’re all lovey dovey. Then, somewhere along the way, I stop listening the my gut and start doing what is expected of me. I start to feel dissatisfied, knowing that something is off. I dig deep, trying to figure out what is off. The dissatisfaction grows deeper and deeper, until I am just angry. I try to step back from the things in which I am involved. But that is easier said than done. Because, you know, people are depending on you, Deneen.
I’m not pointing fingers at others for my personal deficiencies. I have a huge problem saying no. Almost a fear, if I’m honest with myself. However, the church as it is, plays into the fear of saying no and the problem with all of the expectations placed upon its members/attendees to be a part of the church.
Jesus came to heal the sick. So, why is it that the church doesn’t recognize that everyone in their congregation, from the top down, is broken? Why does the church not realize that along with attending services once a week, that its people have jobs, families and *gasp* friends who are not in the church. I have friends that are black, white, asian, hispanic, gay, straight, catholic, non-denominational, pentecostal, agnostic, athiests, doctors, lawyers, customer service reps. Is the church of 2009 relevant to people who are not in the church of 2009? I’ve been out of church for about a year, and frankly, I question whether it’s relevant to me at this point.
What is difficult for me is that I truly love the church. I want the church to be what God has called her to be. But, I can’t bring myself to be a part of an organism that judges people who are not like them. I want to be a part of a place that allows me to bring my friends into a nurturing environment, a place where they can have educated conversations about their difference in beliefs/lifestyles. I want to belong to a church that is a part of a conversation, not a monologue.
Maybe I need to restart some conversations of my own…I need the challenge again.
If you want to check out the catalyst to this blog, check out Shaun’s blog here.
Pride
It frightens me how complacent I have become. I am sitting in a warm apartment, typing away on a very nice computer. I have running water in three faucets in my home. I have a full stomach. Tomorrow I will wake up and go to a job that pays me well by driving my car. On paper, I have the right to practice any religion, to speak my mind, to bear arms with no backlash from my government.
Yet, I find myself worrying about money, food, bottles of water, how long I wait in line for Starbucks.
Tonight I talked with a woman on facebook from Bangledesh. That is a very poor country. People are killed for not being Muslims. People are killed for being Christian. This woman and her family work with Campus Crusade for Christ. They are bringing the message of Jesus to students. In a country where the penalty for doing that can be D-E-A-T-H.
Yet I am worrying about how to pay my bills this month. Really?
I know that God has called me to be a world-changer. Lately I’ve been feeling like my hands are tied. The desire to travel the world being used by God to heal the hurting, to bring light to the dark places literally keeps me awake at night. I want to be the person doing the going. That is pride. Pride comes before the fall.
What struck me tonight as I was chatting with my new friend is that, though I can’t go at the moment, I can still be a catalyst for others. I may not be able to fund a ministry, but I can let others know…perhaps others who can give.
That being said, I ask you to check out the following website…read to see what God is doing in Bangledesh. Pray for this family. If you are led to do more than pray, do it. https://give.ccci.org/give/View/2830774
Period of stretching
I’m being stretched right now. Stretched thin. Financially. Emotionally. Relationally.
I know that these periods are learning times and growth times. These are the times that I will one day look back upon and smile. Right now, it’s taking a lot to smile.
I never thought that moving out would be easy. I love being on my own. But it takes a lot to keep the whole thing afloat 
Cleaning. Laundry. Cooking. Do it all over again.
Relationships require a lot of work. Make sure that you keep yourself smiling and positive, but be honest and let the other person know what’s going on in your head. I’m finding that there’s a delicate balance between letting the other person know enough and too much. You have to keep a happy face on even when you’re stressed to the max. You have to leave work at work and home at home. That’s tricky when work and home or home and work converge.
I’m finding that I’m really sensitive toward anything that involved cancer. I’ve been for along time…but with mom going through it, it’s amplified. I never realize how little compassion I had before until now.
With all of these things going on, I’m still feeling really hopeful. I sense that something good is happening that I cannot yet see. Isaiah 43:18-19 says, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See! I am doing a new thing. Now it springs up! Do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the desert.” I cannot see the new thing, but I can, in face perceive it. Does that make sense?
I am sitting here, shaking in my boots. Or my sneakers as the case may be. Something is brewing. I feel like Tony in West Side Story…there’s something due, any day, I will know, right away, soon as it comes….
Challenging
Life has been challenging lately. Nothing is coming easily. I’m not whining about my life, because for the most part, my life is good. There are just *things* that keep coming up just when I think that life is running smoothly.
I have some great friends. I know that I don’t show my appreciation as much–or as well–as I should. The hard drive on my computer went bad, so I found myself computerless for two weeks. A friend lent me a computer so that I wouldn’t have the shakes from withdrawal…lol.
The same friend keeps challenging the crap out of me. I appreciate–even welcome–the challenges. I still haven’t grown my duck feathers though. When I receive criticism–or a compliment–it has to marinate. I don’t leave the room skipping through a field of daisies, looking forward to the brighter days. I have to process what just happened. There are some changes in my life that need to be made that will be a process. Perhaps a long process. As frustrating as it is for the people in my life to deal with my *stuff* it is for me to have that *stuff.*
Right now I have a lot to process. I’m trying not to be too worried about my mom, but something about cancer freaks me out. Working on Thursday when she was having surgery was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. I know work was where I was supposed to be. That does not make it easy. I’ll go through this again in a few weeks when she goes to her first chemo treatment. And then when she goes through radiation. My mom drives me insane, but I love her. She’s my mom.
Denette and I had a great weekend in upstate NY this weekend. We laughed all the way up and late into the night on Friday. I think we both needed the time to bond. I am thankful that my sister and I are so close. I don’t know what I would do without her, frankly. Saturday we went on a wine tour of Lake Cayuga in the Fingerlakes. Sooooo nice. We discovered a new favorite winery with new friends. We’ve already started planning Winetour 2010–Keuka Lake. I cannot wait.
So, though life is challenging, I have much to look forward to. Next year two of my best friends are getting married. I get to go to UConn for a weekend for one of the two weddings. In autumn. It’s a tough life, but someone’s gotta live it.
Dream dream dream
I am the person that encourages her friends to chase their dreams. You have a dream to make movies and take Hollywood by storm? Go! You want to innovate the news industry? What are you waiting for?! Go!
I have dreams. Big dreams. I want to write a book. I want to travel the world. I want to preach the gospel on every continent.
I’ve been in a season….a very long season…where I’ve been encouraging people in their dreams. But…in this season, I’ve been ignoring the yearning deep in my spirit. I’ve been denying the voice that used to keep me awake long into the night, telling me of the wonders that could be mine were I to take a step.
Right now, I’m living my life. I love my job. I love my family. I love my apartment. I love my friends. But…there is something missing. I wish that the answer were as simple as finding a church and getting my feet wet, getting myself back in that mix. I don’t think that’s the answer.
I need to get in touch with my dreams. I need to remember the promises that God has given me. I have to remember who I was created to be.
Whirlwind of a life
There are so many things going on right now that life feels like a whirlwind. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going…but for some reason, I’m kind of…calm?
Mom’s having surgery this Thursday. I think she’s more frightened for this surgery than her last one. I don’t know why. She’s just emotionally lower this time than last time. I didn’t take off of work for this surgery. My sister and father can handle the day without me. I’m not worried about this surgery. Maybe I’m foolhardy. They’re taking a few more millimeters from the site where the tumor was.
My sister is going through a bunch of crap with her ex-husband. I want her to be with someone who will take care of her and who will make her happy. I want her ex to be with someone who will take care of him and make him happy. They cannot be that to one another. It kills me that she is so stressed about this right now. Her kids will never want for love. They need to see both of their parents happy. They need an example of a good, healthy relationship. I want my niece and nephews to grow up well-adjusted.
My life is interesting. The other day, I overslept for work…didn’t set my alarm or it didn’t go off, not sure which. Anyway…I was 3 hours late for work and had everyone really upset, thinking I was murdered by a cab driver or worse. I’ve been working for over 15 years, and that is literally the first time that’s ever happened to me. I was embarrassed and pissed at myself.
Today, as I was enjoying a day of aloneness, I had time to think. I’ve realized that I’ve been single and independent for so long, part of me is afraid of not being single and independent. I guess I’m the opposite of most women my age who are starting to freak out that they are single.
I am on one of those dating websites. It will one day be fodder for comedy. I had one guy message me asking if I want to hook up, no strings attached. Another guy asked me if I have a webcam. Another guy started talking marriage at the third email…and said that he doesn’t like to work hard and wouldn’t want a woman who works a lot of hours and wants to travel for work. I’m just interested in meeting people, maybe having dinner and a few drinks, seeing what happens.
Yes, I want to get married and have babies. However, I’m not desperate. I like my job. I enjoy my friends. I enjoy my independence. I want to marry my best friend. I want to marry someone who has seen the best and worst of me and still kinda digs being around me. I want to marry someone who I’ve seen the best and worst of, and I still want to talk to him first thing in the morning and before I fall asleep. I know too many married people who tolerate the person they vowed forever to. I’d rather be alone than tolerate someone.
Deprogramming a Martha
The other day, I pulled into my normal parking spot at work. I park near a field, and in the field, there was a family of deer on the woods line. There is something about deer that is just calming. Seeing the deer brought Psalm 42:1 to my mind: As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for You, oh God.
I am a very conflicted person some days. Ok–most days 
I take things personally that I shouldn’t. I get upset with people…sometimes I can’t even tell you why.
The root of all of this is where I find my identity. There are Marthas and there are Marys. (See Luke 10:38-42 as a reference) There are those that find their identity in the doing of things–work, friends, home. There are others that find their identity in who they are…who God said that they are.
I am a Martha. I work, work, work and get myself all worked up about work. I obsess about things that are not worth energy or time. I put expectations on people that they can never meet–because they are unvoiced or they are impossible. I have higher expectations of myself if that is possible.
I want to be a Mary. I want to rest in who God says that I am. I want to really find my identity in Christ. It’s much more than a want. It’s a need. I need to get this area of my life under control.
I also need to learn to count to 10 before I speak. Maybe 20 or 30. Or perhaps I should learn that silence is golden.
Yeah…sooo…
Here’s an update, since I’m being uncharacteristically quiet here on my blog.
Mom is having round two of surgery on Oct 22. The surgeon wants to take another millimeter or two of tissue out from where the tumor in her breast was. She was shocked. Dad was shocked. I was kind of…angry. I know that she’s in good hands, but one would think that they would take more than less to keep her from needing surgery a second time. Chemo starts 3-4 weeks after surgery, so we’re looking at a end time of treatment in May if you take into account chemo and radiation.
I HATE cancer. In case you were wondering. No matter how good the prognosis, it still flipping sucks.
I am amazed that God is putting people in my path, daily, to make me smile just when I need it. One night, someone makes me laugh while pursuing one of his goals. Another night, a friend restores my hope in romance through a conversation about The Notebook. Another night a friend “randomly” pops into town for a few hours, reminding me of God’s faithfulness and the amazing friends that He’s placed into my life.
Basically, what I’m learning right now is that no matter what the circumstances going on in my life, God is giving me the strength–through seemingly random people–to smile at the end of the night.
Laughter in the cancer ward
So, I’m a few days late with the update on my mom. But here it is.
Mom had the breast cancer lump removed on Monday. The lymph nodes on the cancer side tested negative. God is good. She’ll start chemo in a few weeks which will last a few months. After chemo she starts radiation. The chemo should take care of the breast cancer as well as the lymphoma on the other side. The radiation is happening because studies show that, for her type of breast cancer, chemo followed up by radiation equals a lower recurrence rate of cancer.
Dad, Denette and I had a good day Monday. I really believe that the ugly c word is a blessing in disguise as it’s bringing all of us closer together. Denette and I spent a good part of the day laughing. We made friends with a woman whose son was having an operation on his cancer. We got our usual, “Are you twins?” That makes us laugh every time.
Mom is doing exceptionally well. She has a lot of energy, is feeling very positive. She made a list of people for me to call after the surgery and she called every one of those people herself. She walked and talked to our neighbors…it was surreal.
Monday proved to me that God has really blessed me and my family. When I found out mom had cancer, I was devastated. But, after seeing what other people are experiencing, I know that this is nothing. As tough as Monday was emotionally–I thank God for His blessings. He seriously blew me away, and continues to daily.
