The Bible is dangerous for my belief system…lol

Posted on 26 August, 2010 by deneenwhite

I have an addictive personality. There. I said it. My current addiction? Reading the Bible on my phone. It’s a lot better than other addictions. I was joking with a friend the other day, telling her that I want to start a facebook group called “The Bible is AWESOME.”

As I’m reading through, I’m learning a lot…and processing more. I was sad that Moses didn’t cross into the Promised Land after leading those whining Israelites for 40 LONG years. I understand that God is just, but God wanted to wipe the Israelites off the face of the Earth a bunch of times. All Moses did was hit a rock instead of speaking to the rock. I probably wouldn’t taken my staff and beaten some of those people. Just sayin’.

David had more character–even with sleeping with his man’s wife and then killing the guy to conceal her pregnancy and his indiscretion–than I do. He went through some crap….and still wanted to know God’s heart and to bless God. I hit one small speed bump in life and I fall to pieces.

Gideon is well known for two things…testing God with the fleece and for laughing at God when God says that he is a mighty man valor. I just learned that he also rules Israel for 40 years. Made me raise my eyebrows and wonder why sermons stop short of the whole story. I mean…Gideon’s story only encompasses a few chapters of Judges.

Here’s a question that is bothering me. Why are there two books of Samuel? Samuel died before the end of 1 Samuel. Why not just elongate the one book? (This is why most professors would hate me in seminary…lol)

Reading the Bible has also made some “worship” music–and I use that term extremely loosely–vile to me. There are literally some songs that make me angry. Do me a favor. Don’t write a song talking about how wonderful you are in God’s sight. Don’t write a song about all of the things that God can do for you and try to pawn it off on me as worship music. You are worshiping yourself, not God. Please stop mocking my Father. Call it like it is…call it a Christian song. Call it a country western song. Call it a rock song. But please, PLEASE stop disrespecting Abba Father. It is offensive, and it is liable to cause someone to stumble. I believe that somewhere in the Bible it says that it would be better to tie a millstone around your neck than to cause someone to stumble. (Check out Luke 17:1-3)

I’ll stop ranting. For now. Lord, I pray for your favor, your mercy and your grace. I pray for healing for those whose hearts are hurting, and I pray that You would reveal Yourself to those who either don’t know You or who say that You are merely a myth. I pray God that you would make Yourself know. Father, guard my heart in this season, and I pray, Father, that You would have Your way in my life and in the lives of those around me. In Jesus name, Amen.

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90 Day reading plan: days 1 and 2

Posted on 11 August, 2010 by deneenwhite

I started a 90 day reading plan of the bible through Youversion. It’s a great resource if you have internet access (or a fancy mobile phone that allows you to access such things.) I have the propensity for starting these things and not finishing them, so I want to blog my knee jerk reaction to the scripture I’m reading. Since last night, I’ve read a good chuck of Genesis, and here are my thoughts.

  • After Adam and Eve ate of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, God provided for their need for clothing, despite the fact that their need came from disobedience. God shows his benevolence when we obviously don’t deserve it. I certainly don’t deserve anything good from God, but He’s still faithful
  • I love Genesis 5:24–Enoch walked with God, and he was not, because God took him. I want it to be said of me that I walked with God. I pray that God would show me how to have that kind of faith and devotion to Him.
  • Noah blows me away…the faith it took to build an ark in the middle of the desert, gather all of those animals and family, and then to get in, trust God to SHUT THE DOOR? Lord, may I have the faith of a mustard seed.
  • I am always struck by Lot’s wife looking back at Sodom and Gomorrah and getting turned into a pillar of salt. Father, may I not love my past (or my future) more than my present.
  • Abraham and Isaac on Mount Moriah. Here’s my son, the one you promised to me. I’m willing to sacrifice him myself. And then, as the knife is about to fall onto Isaac, God provides a ram in the thicket. Lord, may I trust those I love more in Your loving hands than mine.
  • I wish I liked genealogies. They seriously bore the tears out of me…and speed up my reading as I skim past them. Lord, please show me the value in these passages. Obviously You didn’t allow them in there to put me to sleep…lol

There is so much more than I can comment on. Anything you’d like to add from Genesis 1-28?

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God is into details

Posted on 11 August, 2010 by deneenwhite

So, I’m reading through the Bible in 90 days through a reading plan on youversion.com…more accurately, through the youversion application on my phone. Anyway…

I’m not doing an exhaustive study of the Bible. My goal is simply to read through the Bible. I’m praying before I read each day that God show me what He wants me to see that day in that section of scriptre.

Here’s what I’m learning about God and the Bible, and some questions that have popped up for me:

  • Leviticus is NOT breakfast reading. All of the sacrifices and sprinkling of blood is enough to turn my stomach.
  • God is a God of the details. God designated certain people to carry certain parts of the tabernacle as they Israelites were travelling around for 40 years.
  • God is the perfect mix of grace and accountability. He holds His people to a certain standard….but He doesn’t want to be angry with us or to punish us. If you don’t believe me, read Leviticus.
  • Reading the Bible daily really changes my perspective on my day. I’m nowhere near getting to the New Testament. I’m reading some of the driest reading that there is…literally list upon list upon list of people, items, who’s supposed to carry what, who’s responsible for what…yet I find myself with the peace that surpasses all understanding.
  • God ordained certain feasts be celebrated forever.  See Leviticus 23. Why is it that the Christian church doesn’t celebrate these days, let alone teach on these things? This question has bothered me for a long time, but now I want answers. And I don’t want the crappy “Well, Deneen, you know, when the veil was torn in two, things changed” answer. That’s a cop out. Is it that it feels better to celebrate Christmas (culturally acceptable but not really Biblical) than Passover or Rosh Hoshanah?

There are just some things that I’ve noticed. Please feel free to start a conversation….

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Messiah complex

Posted on 2 August, 2010 by deneenwhite

There is a recurring theme in my life. It’s been going on since I was a child. It’s called false responsibility. I take responsibility for those things in my life that are wrong…even when there was nothing I could do to change those things….even when I was wronged. I always look deeply and find a reason I deserved that wrong, had that wrong coming to me…you get the idea.

I also take responsibility for other people. For their happiness. For things that have gone wrong in their lives. I want to protect people. I want people to learn from my mistakes. I don’t want people to hurt. I don’t want people to suffer. I want to take on their suffering so that they don’t have to.

If I’m honest with myself, this is a messiah complex. I trust myself more than God. Instead of trusting that God has the best interest of those I love in His mind, I try to beat Him to the protecting game.

I’m failing miserably. I couldn’t protect my mom from cancer, and I couldn’t stop the effects of chemo. I can’t protect my niece and nephews from crazy people at school. I can’t protect my friends from relationships they willing walk into.

I’m not Jesus. I’m not the Messiah. I’m more like the little kid who loves her kitten so much that she holds it so tight that it gets smothered and dies.

I’ve done that to one of my most prized relationships. Will I’m sorry suffice?

Lord, please forgive me for attempting, though I am nothing but filthy rags, to be the messiah for those I love. Lord, only Your blood shed on Calvary can forgive me of the sin of false responsibility. Lord, I give everyone I love to you…I will call them out in our secret place…I pray God that You would have Your way in their lives, and in my life. Lord, I relinquish control to You. You are the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. I trust in You alone oh Lord.

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Messy

Posted on 28 July, 2010 by deneenwhite

I’m messy. I say things that I’m not supposed to say at inappropriate times. I make people laugh uncomfortably. I have a good heart. I truly want the best for those I care about, and for those who are oppressed and treated unfairly.

I have a short fuse and a long memory. My gut rarely fails me, unless I ignore it.  It takes a lot for me to truly dislike you, but once I do, it’s forever. I’m slow to give you my trust and quick to take it away. Again, once it’s gone, it’s gone forever.

I will fight to the death for my family, my friends. When I’m silent toward you, that’s when you know you’re in trouble.

People trust my judgment and seek my approval. I see things that other people don’t yet see. Many times people think I’m negative because they cannot yet see what I’m talking about. Generally, people find out that I’m not just negative or crazy. I am intuitive.

I love God. I want to honor Him, but most of the time I fear that I make Him shake His head. I want to be a part of a body of believers who love God more than they love doctrine and making themselves look good.

Tonight I am reclaiming my voice. I’ve been silent for too long. God’s been doing a lot in my life, and it’s time that I start sharing again.

Much of what I have to say will inevitably tick people off. Church people. Non-church people. Friends. Non-friends. Living a censored life has been killing my spirit. I was not born to be silent. God gave me a voice. God gave me a distinct point of view. God gave me a perspective that He hasn’t given anyone else. For me to be silent is for me to not use the gift that God has given me. I’d rather honor God than honor man.

It’s gonna get messy here, I can guarantee you only that. Buckle up your chinstrap. It’s gonna be an interesting ride.

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Snippets

Posted on 19 July, 2010 by deneenwhite

I want to write something that will make you think, but right now I have more of a splatter of ideas going through my head that I need to get out.

Turns out that there are a lot of voices of dissent rising from what seemed like a group of people who were all assimilated into one culture. The irony of this movement is that being a voice of dissent means following Biblical principles rather than the doctrine of man. That’s a whole blog in and of itself.

God has been challenging me on my morning commutes…instead of listening to music and sleeping, I’m listening to podcasted sermons that are making me hungry for more. Today I listened to Eric Delve from St. Luke’s in Maidstone, England. He is one of those people in my life whose voice alone challenges me to want to be closer to God. His sermon was about the Holy Spirit today…and spiritual gifts. Yeah…two things that I know nothing about…lol…two things about which I am passionate.

This weekend I’m having me some mom time. Dad’s working. Denette’s kids will be with their daddy. Denette will be out. So, mom and I will be bonding. I miss my mom time. I appreciate it all the more since her battle with cancer.

Don’t tell anyone, but I think I’m starting to grow some roots here in Philly. This weekend I spent the entire weekend in the city…Friday night and Sunday night I spent time with people from the neighborhood. I really want to develop relationships with them because if this is where God has called me, then He has called me to make friends in this town. My desire to find a church in which to worship is deepening…please be praying that God leads me where He wants me to be…and that I am obedient.

Sorry for the snippets…I know that it’s time to start blogging again…so be on the lookout for more deep thoughts by Deneen White…lol

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It’s been a minute

Posted on 14 July, 2010 by deneenwhite

It’s been a while since I’ve written. In many ways, I’m at a loss for words.

There are so many things that I would like to write, but none of those things would be beneficial to anyone…just me venting. I could go pentecostal/christian and make “prayer requests,” but that would amount to little more than gossip. Or me venting.

Life has been full of struggles lately…familial, financial, emotional, spiritual, relational. Some days, I feel like an actor in the Theater of the Absurd. I look at people that I love, myself, and I wonder if this is real or if one day I’m going to wake up and realize that the past few months have been a terrible dream.

God is faithful through everything. When I am just about to sit down and give up, He reminds me of something that He said, and I find my feet on solid ground.

For now, please just pray for God’s guidance and my obedience and please, please, please pray for my family.

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Torn

Posted on 23 June, 2010 by deneenwhite

Sometimes, I wish that I hadn’t allowed myself to get so hurt.I wish that I had gone with my gut and protected myself better than I did.

Then I remember some silly time, a good laugh, an adventure, and I realize that I didn’t so much allow myself to get hurt, but I allowed myself to feel, to experience, to be. I wouldn’t trade that for all of the money in the world.

Right now, I am back to guarding my heart with an iron fist. Yes, I am protecting myself from hurt. However, I am also isolating myself from silly times, good laughs and adventures that I cannot yet fathom.

Everyday I believe less in Prince Charming and being swept off my feet. Everyday I yearn more for that person with whom I can have easy conversation and live a good life. Everyday I am one step closer to settling instead of waiting for God’s best for me.

I have to be really honest. I want more than easy conversation and a good life. I want someone who challenges me spiritually and intellectually yet who supports me emotionally. I want someone who loves God more than he loves me or himself or his family. I want someone whose looks toward me cause others to blush. I want someone who can make me have fun even when I don’t want to. I want someone who puts a smile on my face on a bad day. I want someone to give 100% of myself to, who is worthy of that 100%. I want someone who will give me 100% of himself and of whom I am worthy of receiving that 100%. I want someone who is willing to follow God wherever He leads…and who is willing to stay when he is told to stay.

That’s the bar that I’m setting. Those things are nonnegotiable.

Sometimes I’m torn…but I’d rather be alone than settle. I mean, I’ve waited nearly 35 years. Right?

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Dragon slayer

Posted on 19 June, 2010 by deneenwhite

So, yesterday was one of the most difficult days I’ve had in a long time. At one point I felt like Jim Carrey in Bruce Almighty. There’s a scene where he feels like God has destroyed his life, and he challenges God to bring it on. I’m totally paraphrasing and probably remembering wrong…lol…but that’s what I felt like.

I had a talk with someone about everything that I’ve gone through since October. Listing everything was…overwhelming to say the least. Frankly, I got really depressed for a little while.

But, then I decided that I couldn’t sit around crying about what I cannot change. I mean, I could, but who wants to cry themselves to sleep? So, I went to youtube, found myself some comedy and laughed myself senseless. And I watched the Phillies win their second game in a row.

Life is about perspective. Yes, my life has been a living hell for the past 9-10 months. But, even with all of the stress, I have a pretty good life…a lot better than a lot of people.

And…I have something that a lot of people say they have but don’t truly have. I have faith, knowing that God is only allowing me to go through experiences that I need to build strength and endurance in me for what He has for my life. God has shown me things over the years that are my birthright. Apparently, I’m going to need to slay dragons and run marathons emotionally and spiritually….cause that’s the kind of training I’m in right now.

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If only…

Posted on 16 June, 2010 by deneenwhite

I wish I could go back in time about 10 years with all of the knowledge that I have now. Heck, I wish I could go back about a year and a half. There are so many things that I would do differently.

But, I can’t. I can’t even go back one minute to change anything. So, instead of changing the past, I have to change my current behaviour.

I speak my mind. I have no filter. I’m working on developing the filter.

I follow my heart, and it is very fragile. I’ve been hurt, and now I’m afraid to allow my heart to feel again. But I have to take the plunge or I’ll be a crazy cat lady that wears a mumu.

I love my friends and family and want them to learn from my mistakes. I take personal responsibility for their happiness and well-being. But, I’m not God. I can’t do that. I can pray for them, I can take responsibility for myself, but I have to leave others to themselves.

I am fiercely independent. I’d rather suffer than tell anyone I need help. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. But…I need people in my life. I need help. A lot. I need to learn to ask for help. It makes me sick to write that…lol

So, since I can’t go back in time, I recognize my flaws, and I will work on them. I am a work in progress…so bear with me as I figure this stuff out.

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