Back in the flow

Posted on 22 May, 2013 by

Writing is as necessary to my health as oxygen. I am a writer. I have a story to tell. I have a unique perspective. I am talented.

That explains my emotional state as of late. I have not written in a long time. Somehow I contracted writer’s block. I relinquished my voice willingly. Why is something that begs to be explored.

It is time to get back into the flow. Time to start writing again and see where this takes me. Please pray for me as I embark on this adventure. I know that God has a purpose.

I’m jumping back on the horse. This is bound to be a bumpy ride for all of us.

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Whispers

Posted on 20 May, 2013 by

I’ve always wanted God to speak to me in a loud, audible voice. Then I realize that if He did, I’d probably soil myself.

Last night I had insomnia. It’s always fantastic not to sleep on Sunday night. This is a constant struggle for me for a variety of health reasons. Anyway…generally I can medicate and solve my sleep disorder but last night I was unable and frankly unwilling. I tried deep breathing. I tried visualization. I tried everything I knew how. Then finally (DUH) I started praying.

I’d love to say I prayed and BAM! I was sleeping like a baby, but I’d be a liar. I spent the balance of the night tossing and turning. Something more spectacular happened, though. God heard the prayers of a wounded, exhausted, jaded woman. God reminded me of who I am but exceedingly more importantly, He reminded me of who HE IS. HE IS I AM.

I live my life in a very guarded fashion. The walls I’ve around my heart make the Great Wall of China look like child’s play. Today I dropped at least a section of the wall and admitted my vulnerability. Today I recognized that my attitude dictates the tone around me. Today I realized that the earth does not spin around the axis called Deneen. Today I remembered that I am not my own. I was bought at a high price…the life of my Saviour. The One who knew no sin took my sin upon His shoulders…and he would’ve done that if I were the only person on earth, just as raggedy and dirty as I am right now. 

Today as I was walking to catch my train, I heard God speak. It wasn’t a loud, booming voice.  It was a whisper…the most beautiful whisper I’ve heard in a long time. 

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Processing Boston

Posted on 16 April, 2013 by

If you know me at all, Boston in my second favorite city in the world, a very close second to London. Some of my best friends in the world live there. So, yesterday, when I got word of a bombing in the city that holds my heart and has for years, I felt to many things. First of all, I was panicked because I thought one of my friends still worked in Copley. My mind automatically went to a bad place. Second of all, I was pissed. How dare someone attack innocent people on American soil on Patriots day, of all days. Finally, I was bereft. People lost their lives. People lost their limbs.

Taking a few steps back, without seeming insensitive to the city of Boston, yesterday would have been considered a good day in Baghdad. I hear of unspeakable tragedy on a daily basis there. Bombs going off daily, killing staggering numbers of people every year. In Africa, there are groups who steal children from their parents, force them to wield guns and murder their loved ones. Right here in the US, there are hundreds of thousands of people who are enslaved…sex slaves, forced laborers.

I am ashamed of myself. It took the city that I love being attacked for me to snap out of my complacency and remember that the life that I live, while quite stressful much of the time, is really an altered, sheltered reality. I have been numbed into silence while people with whom I rub shoulders on a daily basis, are living in perilous circumstances.

What hurts my heart most is that one of my initial reactions was so violent. My Savior, when he was being flogged and when he was hanging on a cross was not to strike back, but to pray for his enemies. Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.

My prayers go out to the victims of the terror attacks in Boston. My prayers also go up for the people who thoughtfully put together bombs and placed them for maximum carnage. I pray for their salvation, and I pray that God would forgive them, because they know not what they do.

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Is it I or you?

Posted on 3 March, 2013 by

It seems that almost daily I get comments on a blog I wrote a lifetime ago when I knew what I wanted out of life. It was a time that I was hopeful and faithful and full of everything that I would like to be a testimony of my life.

Then I walked away from church. I walked away from most of the people in my life. I turned my back on who God called me to be. I was afraid. I was hurt. I was so much inside of my own head that I didn’t realize how my actions affected other people.

Today I sit here on a Sunday morning in my pajamas and on my bed, realizing I haven’t regularly darkened the doorway of a church in over two years. Part of me misses the gathering of the brethren. Part of me misses worshiping within a congregation. A voice inside me asks if I will ever be able to fulfill the call God placed on my life so many years ago if I continue in my current state.

Is it I who is broken, or is it the institution of the church? I have a friend who is Catholic, and he made a great point. There is one Catholic church and tens of thousands of Protestant churches. If Catholicism is so wrong, why can’t Protestants get it together and worship in unity? Please don’t misunderstand me. I will not be converting to Catholicism, but I think it is a valid question.

I am at a crossroads trying to discern what my course of action will be. I cannot continue slogging along in the manner I’ve been for a while, yet I cannot find it within me to join a church that is more concerned with a body count than with actually teaching people the tools needed to survive the spiritual battle in which we are dead center. I’d rather spend my time watching Hollywood than going to a church with a pastor who is little more than a snake oil salesperson, telling his congregants that if you do A, B and C then God will love you and bless you.

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Uncle!!!

Posted on 27 November, 2012 by

Last night my friend called my current season of life a pressing season. I don’t know what season I’m in but I’m calling uncle.

This past weekend was one of the most emotionally difficult I’ve had…and that includes being in the house when my Grandmom passed. Cleaning out her house. Dealing with long unresolved emotions regarding family. First Thanksgiving without her.

God is my strength, but I’ve been mad at him for a week or two, so I find myself on my proverbial knees in a train station waiting for a late train instead of my usual train. I’m mad at him for free will. I’m mad at him because of hypocrisy. I’m mad at him because I’m completely depleted of every ounce of strength.

But, when I am weak He is strong. When I am freaking out He is my peace. When I am rotten to the core, He still looks at me with love, asking me if I’m ready for His grace. And if He has grace for me, he has grace for all of the other weak hypocrites out there.

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Thanksgiving

Posted on 23 November, 2012 by

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for this year. I am thankful for a Savior who loved me enough to lay down His life for me. I am thankful to be alive. I’m thankful to have a job that pays the bills and allows me to have a bit of fun here and there. I am thankful that I have a core group of friends and family that are unconditionally supportive, no matter what. I am thankful for my health and that I live in a time when I am able to get the medical care that I need.

Despite everything for which I have to be thankful, it is also a very difficult time. We are in the process of cleaning out my grandmother’s house. Dismantling the belongings of a loved one is difficult to say the least. When one considers the rocky relationship that I had with her, it is even more difficult. I regret the time I didn’t spend with her, though I know that in the last two years of her life, I was there with her when she needed me most…up to literally her last breath. There are times when I miss her deeply. There are times when I am very angry with her. There are times when I am indifferent.

All in all, 2012 has been a rough year. Yet, somehow, I find myself thankful for the challenges. I have been able to overcome things that I never thought possible. I’m kicking off 2013 with a 5K, so I’m starting off on a positive note. On January 2, I’ll be even more thankful to be alive…unless my heart explodes when I run…lol…totally kidding…I’ll be thankful for life AND ibuprofen.

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Friends

Posted on 9 September, 2012 by

Last night I had a moment that hit me hard…in the best way.

I went out to celebrate my friend’s birthday and met someone who knows someone I know. He and I got to talking about the circumstances under which our mutual acquaintance and I know one another. The depth of grief I feel is still there…but I’m to the point wherein I am no longer angry. It’s only been 7 years.

A short while after he and I were speaking, in walked two more of my friends from the same era. As we took a picture and made it Facebook official that we were together, I had a sense of peace and God’s purpose.

Yes, we all walked through hell, quite literally. But out of hell came the deepest friendships in my life. As much as I am disappointed in man, I am stunned by the beauty that emerged from a fertilizer time in my life…only by the grace of God.

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Who’s 37???

Posted on 7 September, 2012 by

I remember when 37 was ancient. Now I find myself 37 and so far so good. I am thankful that God keeps giving me another day. I’m fully aware, after losing so many people this year, that I’m only guaranteed this moment.

My prayer for my life this year, my goal, is to abandon my life and to allow God to do as He wishes with me. The clay doesn’t fight with the potter, second guessing his motives as he’s being moulded. Why should I?

The older I get the more I realize how little I know…but one thing of which I am confident is that God is good and His mercy endures forever.

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Sensory overload

Posted on 23 June, 2012 by

Right now I’m going through sensory overload. For the first time in a very long time, I see things falling into place in a way that excites me. There are two new opportunities that seem to be availing themselves that will allow me to live my life in a way that I have desired for a very long time. I will not be a millionaire and live permanently on vacation…but there is the potential that I will be able to make a good living, doing what I do well and what I know well, and help an under-served community. If you know me at all, then you’ll know that this makes every atom in my body sing.

I just got back from an amazing vacation. I had the opportunity to take a cruise with my family to Halifax, Nova Scotia and St. John, New Brunswick. The weather was crisp. The scenery was breathtaking. The company was perfect. For me, it is rare to find people with whom I can travel and who I actually miss when I leave them. God blessed me more than I could have or would have asked. To say that I am eternally grateful would be the understatement of the world.

Today I read this quote by Graham Cooke, and it resonated deep within my soul:

“We serve someone who listens to the secret things in our hearts. God doesn’t listen to the image we give out. He doesn’t listen to the things that we say to bolster our confidence or make ourselves look good. He’s so much better than that!”

Chew on that…until next we meet.

 

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Liar liar pants on fire

Posted on 2 May, 2012 by

I survived a whopper of a cold recently. Actually technically I’m still on the mend, so I think I’ve survived.

As I was laying in bed for two days, I felt completely and utterly alone. Lonely, I guess. I wanted someone to make me tea with honey, chicken noodle soup and to run to the store to buy me tissues, lozenges and a gallon of NyQuil. Being that I’m single and I live alone, that didn’t happen. I had to put on my big girl pants and take care of myself.

Back to the lonely part. I had no contact with the outside world. I talked to my mom for a few minutes here and there, but I had a lot of time to feel sorry for myself.

Sunday night I got a text from a friend, asking me to run on Monday. I agreed and then subsequently backed out and agreed to Quizzo instead. (Yes, I’m a geek. Sue me.)

Tuesday, I got a call from a friend I haven’t spoken to for a while. Another friend called and invited me to lunch. Today I got little notes from friends that I don’t hear from often, but when I do it matters…you know those friends…lifers who, when you see them after five years, you don’t even skip a beat?

The point I’m trying to make here is that we’re not in this thing alone. Satan tried to convince me that no one cared that I was sick. He tried to make me feel unworthy because I’m not married. He’s a LIAR. First and foremost, God was with me through every feverish, coughing up both lungs moment. (And honestly, who wants to be around me when I’m sick? I’m mean and I don’t like to be around people when I’m sick.) When I pulled through, there were people just waiting to interact.

If you are reading this and feel alone, you are not. Abba Father is right there with you, maybe holding you up as you feel faint. Isaiah 43:2 says:

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
 and the flame shall not consume you.

Take a moment to really chew on that…get that tattooed on your heart and you will never feel alone again.

Shalom.

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